Do you need an intro? You read the title, right? That’s why you clicked on the column. Why am I wasting your time?
1. Top 40
You prefer zoning out and listening to the same songs on repeat once every hour rather than engaging with the world. Your Starbucks order is so sweet that it’s barely considered coffee, and your key ring has some colorfully unique pendant hanging off of it that seems to get in the way more than it looks good. If someone were to ask you who your role model was, you wouldn’t be able to answer, because the different sides of your brain would fight each other too hard, going between Katy Perry and Ke$ha. Don’t worry, I get it. They’re edgy, sexy, independent women who definitely write their own music and totally aren’t just the voice of the day channeling the song of the moment. It’s tough to choose.
2. Sports Talk
You’re in so many fantasy football leagues that you basically own every player in the NFL. This means that on Sunday, you have to pray Matt Ryan ends up with a shit ton of passing yards, but not to Julio Jones, because the guy you’re playing this week has Julio Jones on his team–except SHIT, you own Julio Jones in your work league, and you’re already three place behind. So…what do you do? Well, you’re basically fucked, but either way, you’ll still somehow find a way to listen to Colin Cowherd spew nonsense for three hours. You briefly consider calling in to argue with him sometimes, except you know he’ll just cut you off, and your cell phone reception isn’t that good. And oh, that’s right, the Falcons have a bye this week. Guess you’ll have to pick up Andy Dalton off the waiver wire. Do you ever wonder how many times you’d have been promoted by now if you focused the attention you give to sports stats on your job?
3. Your Own Playlist
Your music taste is incredible. Like, why aren’t you a DJ? Seriously, the way you put songs next to each other that mesh together is second to none. Granted, all of the songs on your playlist have appeared on the new music section of Spin’s website in the last two weeks, but you were the one who arranged them in order. What’s the job title for the guy who gets to pick songs to put in movies? You should look that up when you get home, because you could blow that job out of the water. I mean, Scorsese is pretty good at incorporating rock music into his movies, but do you think he’s heard of the Black Keys? He’s old. I bet he hasn’t.
3. Gossip/Pop Culture Talk
You’re much more engaged and sophisticated than that stupid Top 40 person, right? I mean, sure, Ryan Seacrest is still playing basically the same playlist they hear, but you don’t tune in for the music. You’re there for the conversation! Ryan’s a super smart guy, and he always asks his guests really interesting questions, never mind the fact that they’re an Australian boy band you’ve never heard of. Apparently those kids didn’t get the memo that boy bands are dead. Wait–is One Direction technically a boy band? They’re doing pretty well. Better wait to see if that’s what Ryan calls them when he has them in next week. You wouldn’t want to jump the gun and form an opinion for yourself.
4. Shock Jocks
You’re a street minister for the church of Howard Stern. It blows your mind that the comedic genius that is Stern isn’t listened to by everyone in the country. You feel like you’re the only one who gets it, in spite of the fact that at least two million people tune in every week. Fart jokes are your currency, and business is good. You’ve made yourself laugh just by pronouncing the word “fuck” in a goofy way. Your favorite movie is “Talladega Nights,” even though you slightly suspect that Will Ferrell is making fun of people like you. I’m not saying your bumper stickers are tacky, per se, just that you’re REALLY proud of them.
You’re so much better than those plebeians with their shallow pop culture obsessions and affinity for bubblegum pop hooks. You want something meaningful to enter your ears in the morning. I mean, you’re the most insightful person you know, right? Who else could’ve found those vintage sunglasses hidden in the back of that thrift shop? Nobody, that’s who. I bet you would impress the shit out of Ira Glass if you ever managed to get an invite to any decent New York parties. Is this green tea supposed to taste like that or has it gone bad? There’s really no way to tell the difference between good green tea and bad green tea. Guess you better just drink it up. Don’t forget to reorganize your vinyl collection when you get home.