My dryer is my second dresser. PGP.

Sent a picture of the girl I’ve been dating to my dad. He said “…Her? Well I’m glad we didn’t raise you to be shallow…” PGP.

Kinda wishing all weekday sporting events are blowouts so you can turn it off and go to bed. PGP.

Having a legitimate plan of action if I win the powerball. #PGP

I put clean clothes on the bed. When I sleep I put the clothes on the chair. I repeat this process until all my clothes are dirty again, then restart. PGP.

I’m better prepared to get Ebola than to get someone pregnant. PGP.

My date didn’t want to come home with me, but she endorsed me on LinkedIn. So I wouldn’t count it as a total loss. PGP.

“I’m gonna be so hungover at work tomorrow.” PGP.

My co-worker said he had the “gift of gab,” but really he has the “curse of not being able to shut the fuck up”. PGP.

Swiping right on what is an obvious Tinder bot just so you can have at least one match this week. PGP.