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Every day it’s the same story. A tale as old as time for anyone who spends their days at a cubicle farm slowly rotting away under fluorescent lighting. You’ve either got a Nalgene with some tap water in it or you’re lucky enough to have a boss who likes to splurge on Absopure water filters with disposable cups. Either way, though you’re crushing water all day.
I drink as much water as I can during the work day so that I can break my monotonous days up into regimented bathroom breaks. Another reason for my extreme water intake is because my JUUL has yet to arrive for some inexplicable reason. My only other option is water breaks, as it is still far too cold outside to be smoking actual cigarettes, but cigarettes are not the reason why I’m penning this blog today.
Water, as you well know, tends to make you urinate. In an office setting, one does not usually have the luxury of going number one in a standard Gerber, Toto, or Saniflo single flush toilet.
Unfortunately, those standard toilets are usually being used (at least in my workspace) by men over 40 fresh off of a coffee break or trip to Panda Express who drop absolute bombs and sound like they’re about to keel over and die while doing it.
It simply isn’t possible to be going pee in standard toilets all of the time whilst at work. This forces my hand and steers me towards the dreaded urinal. Now in theory, a urinal is a fantastic idea. It saves space, they are cheaper to install and use than a regular toilet, and they also save space within the bathroom.
The problem here is that I have a very powerful stream when I pee. That’s not a humble brag and it doesn’t reflect anything else on my person other than my prostate. I have an incredibly healthy prostate, which means that the flow of urine through my urethra is unblocked and comes out effortlessly.
This, in turn, means that my stream is all-powerful. The best way to describe my stream to folks to who haven’t seen it in person is simple – imagine you’re on the Maid of the Mist, traveling past the American and Bridal Veil Falls. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the mist becomes dense and through a thick, course fog you see the Horseshoe Falls (also known as the Canadian Falls). My stream is exactly like the Horseshoe Falls.
Now that you have a picture of just how strong my stream is, I’ll tell you about my problem. The stream hits the back of the urinal or the cake at the bottom of the receptacle and splashes my shoes and pants. It doesn’t matter where I aim the stream, piss particles hit parts of my clothing and shoes.
In elementary school I used to play a game with other boys where we would slowly back up from the urinals to see how far we could get with our stream before no longer being able to hit porcelain, but those days are long gone. I can’t be playing the back up game at the office urinal. It just isn’t kosher at 26 years of age. So my question is this – how have gotten this far as a society without being able to solve the problem of splashback onto nice shoes and pants? Would it be so hard to install guards on urinals all over this country?
I personally think we should switch back to the trough method, which you see in really shitty, dilapidated sports stadiums like Wrigley Field. With the trough, you don’t have to worry about pee getting on your shoes, and you also get the added bonus of weird old men commenting on your piece. That type of intrusion is something you just don’t get with modern urinals.
It’s not like I can just weaken my stream. My stream is my stream and there’s no way of curbing that. I want to live in a society where my shoes and pants aren’t punished just because I have a really aggressive stream. I don’t think that’s a whole lot to ask of my legislature..
Image via Youtube