======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve been playing relationship chicken with a lovely young lady for a little while now. We had never defined what our relationship was, only that neither of us really wanted to be in a relationship. Well, you can only go sans-label for so long until you realize that you’re actually really into that person, enjoy spending time with them, and kind of want your friends to meet them to be all like, “Yo, how dope is this person I met? Apparently, they’re into me, and I’m not sure why, but I’m going to ride that wave for as long as I can.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, when last Friday’s column was published, I was met with a text that said, “Hey, read your column. We should probably talk about this, yeah?” And we talked, and we’re giving this a shot.
I know. I’m sure this is a shock, and I’m sorry to drop such news on you in such an impersonal way, especially when it’s such a personal matter. However, I want to use this platform to address an issue I’ve been noticing, especially now that I’m in a relationship.
You see, they say that when you first enter a relationship, you start to notice more and more people checking you out, flirting with you, or just generally finding you attractive. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’re thinking it’s all in my mind, but let me tell you, it is real, y’all.
For example, on Tuesday, I went to Jimmy John’s on the way home from work. A typical Tuesday, I was just stopping in to grab a Beach Club before jumping on the Blue Line home. Well, the attraction coming off the female cashier was so palpable, I’m pretty sure it made other patrons feel uncomfortable. When she looked at me and said, “Here’s your change,” with her monotone voice and rolling eyes, I jumped into defense mode and immediately let her know that I have a girlfriend. I didn’t wake up on Tuesday morning planning to break hearts, but you know, sometimes it just happens.
It’s even harder at the gym. One thing I’m trying to avoid is the relationship gut that develops once you get comfortable with your new boo thang, so I’ve naturally been trying to start exercising again. However, it gets to be incredibly difficult to focus on my workout when every time I look in the mirror, I notice people staring at me—undoubtedly because my physique is so unlike anything they’ve seen before.
The thing is, if you want to admire, you absolutely can! Look, if I wear a gray tee shirt that shrank in the wash and barely covers my midsection, hugs my love handles, and slightly raises to show my stomach hair after every squat, I feel like I should be able to do that without people having to hide their desire to jump my bones. Instead, when I make eye contact with people they pretend like they’re disgusted and avert their eyes immediately. It’s okay to look. I’m okay with it.
I think it’s most difficult when I’m at home. Yep, that’s right. Even E, my female roommate, showed some affection over the weekend. We had a ton of people at our apartment on Friday night and spent Saturday and Sunday cleaning up in phases. What made it worse was when I had just gotten home from Lila’s apartment. E and her long term boyfriend were cooking dinner when I realized that all of the bottles had been picked up and the surfaces wiped down.
“Hey,” I said, “Sorry I left all the cups and everything out last night.”
“No worries,” she replied, without turning around from the stove. “I think all there is left to do is vacuum the rug in the living room,” she said matter-of-factly.
I was taken aback. I would never have expected such thick waves of attraction coming off of her—especially with Kyle in the room. I mean, for Christ’s sake, she had just been talking about what kinds of engagement rings she wanted with him the night before. I’m all for being risky with these things, but you have to read the room, you know?
“Look, E, I have a girlfriend now,” I said shyly, “And you have a boyfriend.”
“…Yeah, dude, we were all watching Game of Thrones yesterday morning.”
“I’m just saying that we have to keep that in mind.”
“…Okay? So does that make you incapable of vacuuming?”
That game of cat and mouse has continued to this day.
Being in a relationship is going to be a new one for me. Sure, I’ve done it before, but never in a post-grad world where both parties have full-time jobs and are self-sufficient. I’m taking it day by day and learning the do’s and don’ts, and you know what? It’s been four full days and things are going well. So in the meantime, sorry ladies. I’m taken. .
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
@therescharlie
@herescharlie
herescharlie
congrats on the commitment sex
Sup
This was good.
Thanks
I think I speak for all ladies everywhere when I say…
Congrats! But most importantly: have you changed your Facebook status yet?
Real question from married guy who doesn’t use facebook anymore. Do people still do this?
Well Facebook is mostly wedding and engagement pics now anyway.
Yeah pretty much. Charlie might as well get a head start.
If I recall correctly, the new trend among kids these days is to post a picture of you two together on your Instagram account. I guess that’s the new “Facebook official” (source needed but strong possibility it was a DeFries article where I read that).
I don’t have an Instagram so I wouldn’t know, but yeah that’s definitely up deFries’ alley. He should talk about it in My Fall Aesthetic Part III: Cuffing Season.
I’m looking forward to your article in two months when you realize that you had a girlfriend all along and nothing has really changed except for how you refer to each other when talking to other people.
Same thing happens when you get married, dude. You gotta flash that wedding band to make sure the ladies know you’re spoken for. Otherwise they’ll jump all over you.
Totally. I always catch people looking at me and I’m like “Hey, taken!” and they’re like “You have queso in your beard” and I’m like SMOOTH RECOVERY, PREDATOR. It’s ridiculous.
This was simply beautiful
Great Article Charlie. And Lila sounds like a catch if she’s reading PGP
Another great one off the market. She’s a lucky gal.
Really funny article, nice job Charlie. Congrats on the ship.