Uber Hookups, Strip Club Ghosting, and STD Scares: The Worst Stories From This Weekend

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

A great man once said, “Always take the early flight home.” That “great man” was me on The Sunday Scaries Podcast. My Achilles’ heel is that I rarely take my own advice.

Here I sit in my parents’ basement because my Labor Day Weekend return trip was straight cancelled last night. No delay, no rebooking. Just straight up cancelled. It’s okay, though. Luckily I’m a yuppie scum blogger who can work remotely.

Because you were probably out being a total shithead all weekend (myslef included), you probably missed the most recent episode of The Sunday Scaries Podcast on iTunes. This week’s episode was a certified heater, so I implore you to give it a listen either on iTunes or below.

Now let’s get into this weekend’s crop of stories. As always, you can email me your own stories at will@grandex.co. I keep them anonymous for you because we aren’t trying to ruin any careers here.

So I recently started a new job in a new city and I don’t know anybody but my buddy who lives an hour away. I text him and he comes over Thursday night and proceed to get absolutely pickled out of nowhere. The plan was to go have a couple beers at some breweries and ride our bikes home and that turned into drinking straight whiskey at 2 am at some college bar. We tried to ride our bikes home, I lost him along the way, fell off a ledge, and lost my house key. Friday I wake up at 10 am, still drunk, and 2 hours late for work.

That night was pretty relaxed, some mutual friends of my roommate and I come up to go mountain biking. Saturday we go in the morning and I got my ass kicked by the climb up and everyone else left me in the dust. I once again fell off the bike a couple times, luckily not on the way down. Silver lining of the whole weekend was Saturday afternoon hanging out on the lake, good time.

Saturday night rolls around and once again I get after it with my friend. I looked like a pitcher in the batters box cause I struck out with everyone I talked to. Wake up Sunday and my ex who I recently started talking to again tells me she is seeing someone new and doesn’t want to ruin things with the new guy but still wants to talk to me (we didn’t have bad breakup, it was just bad timing and long distance wasn’t working). I feel like an idiot for reading the situation wrong and now I am caught in a blender of emotions.

I write this to you sitting at my desk reading changes to test procedures and trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my life. Any good advice?

Uh, any advice? Yeah, stop riding bikes under the influence. You’re pretty much begging for two (2) broken wrists and a concussion. I once told my friend not to ride her bike home drunk because she’d break her wrist. I didn’t hear from her for three weeks until she showed up at another party with a cast on her right arm. What happened, you ask? She broke her damn wrist the night I told her not to ride her bike home.

Coming to you live from my burner email address I’ve had since middle school (yes, it is hotmail). I love this column and honestly always get a little sad when the sober scaries are written about because I always think “this isn’t what this article is for! I want to hear about drunk hooligans making fools of themselves” However I quickly changed my tune when I experienced it for the first time. I had a chill weekend, watched soccer with my sister on friday, ran errands on saturday, nothing wild. Had plans with my sister and brother in law to go to brunch and celebrate my belated birthday since they were out of town for the actual day. I wake up feeling kind of weird but figured I just didn’t get enough sleep/I’m 25 now so I’m just going to be in some form of pain for the rest of my life. We get to brunch and order a pitcher of Mimosa’s. Have about 1 and a half (not nearly enough to make me ill) and immediately know I need to puke. Somehow casually make it to the bathroom without causing suspicion and let it all out. I feel better so go back to the table like nothing happened. Had a great brunch catching up with the family and felt fine so I figured my body was just saying fuck you for no reason. Get home and feel weirdly full, I didn’t eat or drink that much so it wasn’t right but I felt like I had eaten a whole pizza and a 12 pack of beer. Immediately sprint to my bathroom and let it out again.This happens a good few more times continuing into around 2:00 AM. All the while my roommate is banging on the door asking if I’m ok, which is nice of her but I’m literally puking, don’t have time to answer right now. Chills start to set in as well as body aches. Turns out I have the flu, which I didn’t think was possible in August. Luckily my boss is chill and is letting me WFH but haven’t been able to keep anything down but yet am still starving. What was supposed to be an awesome Sunday Funday with bottomless mimosas turned into me in the fetal position in bed with the flu. Happy 25th birthday to me!

At least you’ll look skinny when you return to work?

I had Swine Flu during that whole epidemic and when I returned to work 14 pounds lighter, everyone raved about how good I look. Actually, kind of hope I get it again.

LTFT but this past Saturday left me reeling. I am one week into grad school at a university where my buddy is a fifth year. Being that this is the week before classes begin, we decide to get a bit boozy. The local bars here do a promotion they call “beat the clock”. This means well drinks are $2 from 8-9, $3 from 9-10 and so on. Naturally the play is to show up early and save your money. This makes getting 3 vodka sodas at once a reasonable idea. Some time passes, more drinks are had and I black out. I black back into my buddy and I climbing the fence to his neighborhood pool complex. Once inside, we decide the water was too cold and drink beers in the sauna instead. Stumble back to his place where we drink some more. Next thing I know, I am being awakened from a slumber by a stranger and I am completely naked (not sure why). He tells me I can’t be sleeping in his bed like this (reasonable). I find my clothes right next to me and pass out on the couch. I fall asleep briefly to be awoken an unmistakable repeating thud of. I turn over and there is a couple on the other side of a sectional couch going at it. I don’t know anyone there or any of my buddy’s roommates so I just pretend to be asleep and hope it ends soon. Well, turns out the one kid was too drunk to finish and proceed to try for 45 min. Finally, they give up and I am able to get some much needed rest before dipping early in the morning. Well before I get my chance, they’re boning again. Now they have to know that I’m there, so I shuffle around and it make it seem like I’m waking up. They went stopping so I decide to endure the awkwardness and turn away. Luckily the kid finishes quick this time. Almost immediately after that I dip the fuck out of that house knowing full well I might have to TA one of those kids…

PS. The Sunday Scaries podcast helped me tremendously

Okay, I know this isn’t the point of the story, but I LOVE the idea of a “Beat The Clock” promotion at a bar. Gets you nice and sauced up early and as cheap as possible. If there are any of these going on in Austin, hit me up.

Saturday night I am closing a popular bar and was waiting for my Uber to pick me up. Lots of people were waiting for rides and it says that mine is 15 minutes away. So I am standing there waiting when this beautiful lady in a green dress walks up to me and starts chatting it up. She had come from a wedding earlier in the night and thought that I had come from the same wedding. I had actually been at a work dinner and that is why I was in a jacket and tie.

We continue chatting and my Uber calls me to tell me that he is pulling up and out of nowhere this chick asks if we can share an Uber. I decide to say yes and we get in the Uber. On the ride to my place which is at most five minutes away, her phone dies, but I see she has another one. The second phone, she can’t get the passcode right and disables it. At this point I have no idea where this chick is going so I ask if she wants to come upstairs and charge her phone and she says yes.

Get upstairs put her phone on the charger and continue talking. I ask where she was from and few other questions before I ask if she has a boyfriend and she immediately responded with no. She continues to make herself and proceeds to ask me if I am going to make a move, so I went for it.

We proceed to mess around and then start hooking up when she decides to tell me that she has a boyfriend.

Being the nice guy that I am, I stop. I feel like shit now, but how could I have known. I tell her that she can sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the couch. At this point it is 4:30 in the morning.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I wake up at 8:30 am and she had left. I also see my phone charger on the floor so I look around for my phone and can’t find it, but see her extra phone by my bed. I immediately open my computer to see that I have a text from my mom and my dad at 6:00 am asking me if I am okay, because I apparently called my mom at 5:00 am.

I put two and two together to realize that she mixed up the phones and then disabled my phone when she left and called my ICE number on my phone my mom. Pull up FindMyiPhone and see that my phone is 20 minutes away in another state.

I panic. I don’t have her number, I don’t know whose phone I have, and I have no idea what is going on. Luckily this phone has a few missed calls from “My Baby,” so I decide to call it. Call goes to voicemail and its the chicks!! I begin to panic more, because I now realize that I have her boyfriends phone!!

I send a co-worker a message from my computer and he was nice enough to go with me to get my phone because I was scared I was going to get jumped or beaten to a pulp. The dude and I switched phones and as far as I know, he has no idea about the night before. I just hope that she doesn’t have hickies on her neck or one of my shirts that I gave her, because that would be an awkward card ride home for them.

So that is how I ended up Sunday morning with the chick I hooked up with the night before, boyfriends phone.

Okay, this is absolutely wild. I thought this was going to turn into the best meet-cute of all-time, but instead this girl just cheated on her boyfriend and left a phone behind.

And this guy definitely knows that his girlfriend was fooling around, but he’s just trying to ignore that it happened because ignorance is bliss. What an idiot.

I’ll make this short. I moved from NY to New Orleans (about 1400 miles and 21 hours of driving) to attend Tulane School of Medicine only to arrive at an apartment with no toilet. Got ’em. So now I’m living out of a hotel and classes already started. Luckily a classmate of mine needed a roommate but I can’t move into that apartment for a week. I also had to put all my stuff in storage because the uhaul was past due. If anyone saw someone in a Subaru outback pulling a trailer through New Orleans like a fucking mad man during rush hour, that was me. Afterwards I got absolutely housed in the French quarter with my new classmates, only to wake up in a shitty hotel with a throbbing headache and a parking boot on my car.

Ugh. I have to move this weekend and this was NOT what I wanted to hear.

LTFT, love the Sunday Scaries pod.

So yesterday was my last day as an intern at, lets call it “bank X”, and my bosses and I went out to our last company happy hour together. What started out as an afternoon of casual drinks quickly turned into a different beast all together. So I thought I was being responsible starting out with liquor, then IPA’s and slowly going down in drink intensity till I reached a nice coors light to close out the night (even threw a glass of white wine with an ice cube in there). One of my bosses on the other hand was not as responsible as I was and come the time to leave he was HAMMERED. So we leave the bar and he proposes to go to a strip club. I didn’t want to go but wanting to get a full time offer I oblige.

We get there and my boss gets a dance and I’m not just gonna sit there and wait for him so he brings a girl over and he says “Don’t worry, it’s on bank X”. At this point I realized that maybe I wasn’t so responsible with my drinking cause I’m really feeling it. After my subpar “experience” with the stripper I ask her how much and it turned up to be a $300 bill. So assuming my boss will go pay for it I go looking for him. Turns out he blacked out and either Irish existed or got kicked out and I’m left to pay $300 to a stripper I didn’t want in CASH meaning I can expense this to bank X. Keep in mind I was an intern so I’m not rolling in a lot of dough here. To top it off I lost my Juul in the booth, pretty sure the girl took it.

Now I’m incredibly hungover and the Sunday Scaries came early cause it’s Saturday. I need to move back to my college town today (shoutout to the younger readers) cause classes start Tuesday, I have 4 fulls bags of stuff to carry, no car, and I’m down $300.

Took an Adderall to get through this. T&P’s cause I’m gonna have multi day Scaries

Yeah, you only went to the strip club because “you wanted a full-time offer.” Sure, bud.

I write to you before 6am this fine Labor Day with the perfect storm of drunk and sober scaries that aren’t letting me go back to sleep.

The obvious portion here is that the last three days have been a bender, the likes of which haven’t been seen since college grad week. Three days of 12+ hours of drinking. My best friend was in town, and Saturday was game day at my alma mater that I live down the street from. Truly a recipe for disaster, and my body is finally starting to shut down.

The real scary part is I lost my job a couple weeks back, and the funds are not good, Will. Savings got wiped out from vet bills (the dog is fine now—knew you’d be concerned). I start my new job tomorrow and have to scavenge for food in my house until that first direct deposit. Do I regret spending the rest of my money on debauchery all weekend? Maybe a little.

Wish me luck tomorrow and pray that this Friday is pay day.

Honestly, yeah, I’m just glad the dog is okay.

Passed out in the uber. Forgot my phone in it couldn’t get it back until 4 o’ clock the next day and I also had to pick up my car from the bar I left it at, clean the pool and pick up my dry cleaning. Scaries were at an all time high.

As psychotic as it may sound, always ride in the front seat of your Uber if you think you’re going to pass out. It helps immensely.

Just had a 5-day weekend including 4 days of straight day drinking. Nothing too crazy happened except for a guy dropping trou in the driver’s seat and me giving him road head and now certainly having herpes of the mouth variety. I’ve got a potential promotion on the line this week, so it’s imperative I’m on my A game but I just don’t see that happening based on the last 96 hours of my life.

Just hope the outbreak occurs after the promotion.

Coming down from what can only be described as a bender. Please see below:

Friday- rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding
Saturday- cousin’s wedding, in which I was the best man
Sunday- drive from southern Ohio to Lake Norman in North Carolina
Monday through Friday- lake vacation with a bunch of buddies from college who haven’t been together in a long time. Lots of time on the water and on the golf course.
Saturday- drive back to family lake house in southern Ohio
Sunday- lake and grandfather’s birthday
Monday- Labor Day

The scaries and shakes are all too real this Monday night as I lay in bed.

Honestly, that’s a tight weekend. Glad you’re alive.

Bachelorette weekend in New Orleans From Saturday until Monday (today). Prior to 11PM I had an altercation with the uneven streets of the French Quarter, skinning my temple (yes, I literally fell on my face on Bourbon Street).

Currently sitting in a hotel room off of I-10. I move into my new apartment tomorrow. I start my first real full time job in about a week.

Here’s hoping my face heals by my first day.

If you fell on your face on Bourbon, I have bad news for you — you have a better chance at having face herpes than the girl who gave road head.

I just moved to a new apartment in a new state, I start grad school tomorrow, and I can’t unpack fully because my dresser doesn’t arrive until next Saturday. Kindly kill me

I’d feel bad for you but I am about to move into an apartment where I don’t have a couch for a couple weeks because it’s not ready yet. Just sitting in bed for the next half of a month.

My cousin got married this past weekend. I’m the next one in line to get married in my family and at the reception, a family member came up to me and asked me when is my wedding going to be. I am single and nowhere near to having a stable relationship.

Par for the course. You need to get a girl in the rotation for future family weddings, even if she’s just a friend. It’ll stop a lot of the whispering.

So besides about 4 hours, I’ve spent the past 3-ish days in bed. All because of Friday. I got a text that week saying “come meet my boyfriend” and I just had to go, because she also told me he bought bottle service at a very popular club/bar. The people watching there was A+ but after “working” all day Friday, I was a little tired from doing nothing, so I started drinking a vodka red bull. then another. Then another. Then idk how many more until last call. Needless to say, too many vodka red bulls.

I then stayed up until 9:30 AM Saturday morning because I couldn’t sleep. During that time, I watched almost every single Twilight movie. Team Edward all the way. Both are terrible people and Bella is making a terrible choice, but Edward is always cold and having a pillow thats always cold to sleep on would be amazing. Needless to say, I’m still recovering from being up so late.

On the plus side, I only spent money on ubers, delivery, brunch, and Sushi this weekend, so I’m about hit the internet stores.

Just the thoguht of drinking a bunch of RBVs gave me heart palpitations and heartburn. Yes, I am old.

Well, it was a long weekend and this was a long edition of Worst Weekends. I have to say, it helped by Scaries immensely. To everyone out there, I hope you enjoyed and have enough in your tank after this short work week to do it again next weekend. See you then. .

If you haven’t already, cure your Scaries from your own Worst Weekends with The Sunday Scaries Podcast. I promise it will help. Money-back guarantee.

36

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

• @willdefries
• @willdefries
• defriewf
• will@grandex.co