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Have you ever had a conversation in the back of an Uber and assumed it was private? I hope not, because it sure as hell wasn’t.
Uber drivers are listening to your conversations, folks. They are honing in on your deepest, darkest secrets and sharing them with their friends for fun. In some cases, they are even posting these secrets online, as evidenced by the Reddit thread below. It’s a modern-day Taxicab Confessional, and it is nuts. Check it out below.
Two girls taking about how they fucked the same guy. Both agreed his dick was too big and he was hurting them by lasting too long, both concluded he was gay.
Two middle aged couples trying to agree to a foursome.
No invite for you?
I met a guy who owns a dispensary in Colorado, but lives in my state. He was drunk. He told me all about cheating on his wife with his girlfriend. His girlfriend got mad when he decided to go back to his wife. So this guy apparently would bring carry-on bags filled with shatter back from Colorado. The angry girlfriend knew about this and ratted him out to the police. They were waiting for him when he got off the plane from one of his trips. He was arrested. I guess he was out on bail or something. I drove him to his apartment. He was hoping his wife would forgive him and let him move back into their house. He kept telling me how much he loved her.
Sounds like a foolproof strategy to me.
I picked up this young overly affectionate couple that spent the entire trip making out in my backseat and telling each other that they loved each other. Cute.
So I drop off the couple and head on my way to pick up my text fare. I hear a cellphone ring in my backseat, realize it’s my previous ride’s, and pick up the phone to let them know I have it and I’ll come back to drop it off. Turns out it was the guys wife phoning to check in on him while he was on a business trip, which he was thoroughly enjoying with his mistress
“Sorry, ma’am. He is currently in a client meeting.”
Once I had an extremely drunk middle-age couple fight for an entire 30-minute ride. They attempted to bring me into their fight many times. I just pretended like I was deaf and didn’t answer when they tried to rope me into it.
Side with the one most likely to tip you.
Uber passenger here: had a driver tell me he was changing his name to Nilrem, because it was Merlin spelled backward and he was a wizard.
You didn’t specify, but I bet he was probably alone.
I know this is the opposite of what you asked because I’m a passenger not a driver.
I had an Iraqi driver tell me he was an engineer in Iraq before the first gulf war and he’d developed a superior means of gilding furniture, chandeliers etc which you can imagine was hot in prewar Hussein-ville. Well Uday wanted to go into business with him but (and this is a direct quote) “First Uday wants to be your partner in business, then he wants to be partner in your wife.”
Words to live by.
Those damn Hussein kids!
Drove UBER one night… it was pretty tame until I picked up two guys who wanted to go to a strip club 40 miles away. As they requested an UberSelect fare I was happy to drive that far. ($80-100) It took them 15 minutes to get ready and into the car and they seemed cool so I wasn’t worried.
As soon as we got on the freeway the guy in the passenger seat started asking about UBER driving and things got dark. After a few minutes he started saying shit like “what would you do if someone just grabbed the steering wheel and ran the car into the median” and “have you ever thought about what would happen if someone in the back seat tried to strangle you while you were driving?” I got a little freaked out and tried to lighten the mood by asking what they were celebrating, etc, but the one guy just kept at it.
I was happy to get to the strip club and get them the hell out of the car. Bonus was the bouncer at the club gave me $40 for dropping them off there. I never drove UBER again. Fuck that.
Bet you got a five-star though.
Picked up a girl mid Saturday. She was a bit upset and a little teary and opened up to me. Turned out a business she had started was failing and she was in debt and had turned to stripping on the side to cover the bills.
She said the pay was good but she kept getting really sick from all the booze she felt obliged to drink (part of her job was making guys spend money at the bar). She hated it and felt trapped and kept asking me what I would do in her situation (I’m a guy, so kind of hard for me to answer). Tried to give her the best advice I could think of like getting the tax office to with hold tax for a while, but couldnt help really. Only thing I could do was end the trip early.
Other one was a couple of off duty cops who didnt want their friends to know they were using it. Uber is still in a legal grey area here.
You should have told her to start driving for Uber, you idiot.
I picked up a guy from a gay bar and he was noticeably coming on to me. He then confessed that he was one of the founders of a very popular gaming company and offered me $2000 dollars to come up to his room. He also refused to leave my car unless I kissed his hand. Fun times.
Gotta take the money in that situation.
Former Uber driver here. Picked a girl up a sweet girl from a bar on a Wednesday night – absolutely hammered, about 10pm. She got into my car, apologized for being so drunk and politely asked if we could just drive around a little while, with the windows down.
I was prepping for a cleaning fee, trying to drive and pull a vomit bag out of the glove box, but no, she just did that airplane thing with one hand out the backseat window. She asked me if I had ever thought about dying, to which I replied, yeah – I guess so.
That’s when she told me that she had cancer. It was in her brain and it was too far gone to consider chemo. I remember my heart just pounding. She told me she was dying and she was going to be okay. Tonight she was celebrating with her work friends who threw her a going-away party. She told them she was taking a position abroad.
“I just didn’t tell them that abroad was heaven.”
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I turned off my app and cried my ass all the way home.
Holy shit. Not gonna top that.
Took this 19 year old kids and what I assumed was his gf back to her house on pride weekend in SF. They made out the whole ride. When I dropped them off, only she got out. He said “Take me to Castro and 18th.” I said “Really?” and he said “Yeah, I only make out with girls when I’m rolling.” Never a dull moment in San Francisco.
Even gay guys get more action than me.
Never overheard a juicy secret, but plenty of interesting pax.
One time I had a group of 3 guys, probably around my age (mid 20s). They seemed nervous, avoided eye contact, and were pretty much silent from the moment they hopped in. I tried confirming the destination, asked how their night was going, etc, but only got muffled mumbling in return.
As always, I worked the situation out in my head in a calm, rational manner. Something like, “Are these guys trying to rob me? Jack my car? Did they just kill somebody? Am I an accessory to murder? Do they have knowledge of the impending apocalypse?”
But as my paranoia routine winded down, I slowly started to realize what was going on. Between the beads of sweat, occasional jaw clenching, and finally – random giggle outbursts… these kids were tripping fucking balls.
Once it hit me I called them out immediately and told them I was cool. They looked so relieved. I started blasting music (some Umphrey’s McGee I do believe) and they just started geeking out by that point. Fun ride.
At the end of the ride, the guy that sat up front tossed me a bag of shrooms. Good times.
I bet that car ride was so damn fantastic.
A lesbian woman and a gay man, who were best friends, literally confessed their love for one another. It was something they kept from one another for years, and it was beautiful.
That would be one extremely complicated relationship.
I am not an Uber driver but I have one that was told to me.
This driver told me that he picked up his last fare for the day and it did not have a final destination. The dude gets in the car coked out of his mind yelling on the phone. The guy says “drive to Vegas, here!” and the guy tosses $500 bucks at him. That is on top of the Uber fare which apparently was surge pricing.
So the guy drives him to Vegas (from Los Angeles takes about four hours.) The whole time the guy is talking/yelling on the phone to his mom. They get to Vegas and he drops the dude off at some mansion where his mom is outside waiting to yell at him.
Apparently the guy forgot about giving him the cash because he tossed another few hundred bucks at him, got out of the car and split.
This is the Uber driver’s dream right here. This is why you lace em up every day and fire up the app.
Picked up 2 dudes. They were talking about how they were going to keep hiding their relationship from their wives and children. Pretty messed up stuff.
But not from their Uber driver, I guess?
Two dudes discussing how much fun they had at one of theirs bachelor party. The fun consisted of “the most cocaine I’ve ever done” and ” I can’t believe I fucked a prostitute right before I got married”
What happens in Vegas?
Picked up a girl to take her straight from work to the hospital to see her dad. Her mom had called her work to make her end her shift early because it was serious. Her dad had cancer. I dropped her off and was like “God, I hate this job cause I’ll never know how her night ended.” wrong. Next night, I’m taking people home from bars and her two guy friends took her out to get wasted cause her dad had died. They were being drunk idiots, so when I took them to get pizza, she came outside and we talked about it a little. That was probably the one ride where I felt I had a positive impact on someone’s life beyond getting them home safely.
Uber drivers are always there for you. Especially when it’s surge pricing.
I had an indepth conversation about first time’s in the drive through at Jack in the Box with a girl who just lost her virginity in a one night stand with a dude she had the hots on.
I turned off the meter and added her on snapchat, we became mega bros immediately.
This is what Uber is all about.
Not my story, but I had an uber driver tell me this one, so I hope it counts by proxy:
Uber driver George is doing Uberpool one night in Austin where you pick up multiple people en route to the destination. First Girl #1 gets in the car alone and sits in the back seat on the passenger side. Then a couple (guy and girl) comes, and there’s not enough room for everyone in the back, so girl #2 sits behind the driver and guy sits up front. The two girls in the back start chatting and seem to be getting along well. Girl #1 asks what they’re doing tonight, and Girl #2 says, oh, me and my boyfriend Josh are going out to celebrate. Josh works at XX and just got a promotion. At this point, George notices Josh is crouching down in his seat and looking guilty. Then, Girl #1 says, that’s funny, my boyfriend is also named Josh and works at XX. I wonder if they know each other. Then Girl #2 starts tapping her boyfriend on the shoulder and bugging him to turn around to meet Girl #1. At some point Josh can’t avoid the introduction any more, and is forced to turn around. He does so with a look of utter horror on his face, as it slowly dawns on both girls that they’re dating the same Josh. Anyway, both girls start screaming and kick Josh out of the Uber. Not sure what happened after that, but you can bet Josh never took Uberpool again.
WE HAVE A WINNER, PEOPLE.
To read more UberCab Confessionals, click HERE. .
Image via Shutterstock