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As millennials, we all like to pretend that we’re an evolved species. I believe the kids called it “woke” but if I’m being completely honest, I’m far too white to ever feel comfortable saying that out loud.
In a lot of ways, I actually think we have come a long way especially in regards to being a woman in these modern times. There’s still room for improvement, no doubt. But this isn’t a column dedicated to calling out the social, economical, and political shortcomings we still need to tackle. You’re welcome.
Regardless of your political affiliation, and regardless of your level of “woke,” I think there’s still an area that we all hush up about when it comes to gender norms.
And that is the social pressure for men to be the bread winners. The wallet. The one bringing home the bacon. The one who, in terms of the relationship, makes and has more money.
I’m not shy in admitting that I do pretty well for myself. I was extremely lucky and grew up in a family where education was a possibility for me that didn’t simultaneously saddle me with a ridiculous amount debt. I got to spend a summer interning. I spent time abroad. I’ve been able to afford living in a big city for most of my time post-grad. My company where I work now started me at a salary that was more than reasonable with a healthy bonus. So with that coupled on top of two promotions and raises in under a year, then another at my one year, I’m sitting in a financial position that a lot of 20-somethings are not.
I don’t say all of that to brag, I promise. So if it comes across that way, know that it’s not my intent. It’s simply to set the scene.
I work in upper-level management at a tech company along the West Coast. My boyfriend is currently getting his Master’s in Education. He’s planning on being an English teacher, ideally at a school in the city. It’s all very Dead Poet’s Society and romantic and swoon-worthy and whatnot. We’ve read the Modern Love column out loud to each other. Yes, that is to brag. And yes, I hate us too.
But all of that aside, the difference in our incomes is pretty noticeable. Until he’s out of school, I’m making over double what he does. After he’s settled in his career, I’ll likely still out earn him by 40% at the very least. And that’s not taking into account what he’ll be paying off in student loans for X amount of years if we’re still together after he’s out of grad school.
I really like this guy (despite his affection for vastly inferior technology). And I will not lie to you, internet. It does not bother me one bit that we’re in different tax brackets. I don’t mind picking up the tab and grabbing a couple of nice bottles of wine before he comes over or booking plane tickets because I have miles to use. I sincerely, really, honestly do not give it a second thought.
What bothers me, is that it clearly bothers him.
He never wants to spend time at his apartment, because I live alone while he still has a roommate. He gets visibly shifty when I reach for my wallet after suggesting that we got to a restaurant on my dime. He tries to justify walking whenever I offer to get an Uber. Always blushes when I get him something “just because” because in his mind “I really, really shouldn’t have.”
I’m not irresponsible with my money (much). I’m not spending outside of my means. I like spending money on and doing things for the people in my life that are important to me – him 100% included.
But I can’t help but wonder, is this going to be a continual problem? Are we woke, but not woke enough, to truly deal with it when the gender norms take a drastic switch, and the girl is the one with the bank account and the guy is the one letting her foot the bill?
Admittedly, I haven’t really brought this up yet. Because, similar to how it came with a disclaimer above, I’m not sure how to approach it without it seeming belittling or worse, braggy. I know communication is key and whatever, but hey! I admitted I’m not as woke as I’d like to be. Talking dollar signs is still awkward for me too. Even when I’m the one who has them.
So basically…
True Life: I make more money than my boyfriend.
And I really hope it’s not why we end up breaking up. .
Image via YouTube
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Wage gap? TOTAL myth perpetrated by the very DISHONEST main stream liberal media. Does not account for all factors. Forbes confirms. Won’t see that on the completely failing CNN or New York Times. Sad!
This is gonna be a comment that isn’t popular but here goes: as men we desire to be leaders, heads of households (obviously I don’t mean this tyrannically speaking). This is innate in all men, whether we know it or not. That’s why men feel uncomfortable when their wives or girlfriends make more than them. I get uncomfortable when my girlfriend pays for meals. I allow her to because I know financially speaking it is better for both of us, but it still bugs me. Ultimately, it’s just about being in agreement with each other. As long as you and him both recognize that, yes it is uncomfortable for him, it is still better fiscally in certain situations. It just happens that way. And it’s happening more and more. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, if I could I’d be a stay at home dad, but it’s simply recognizing the psyche of men to be leaders that is different. NOT SAYING WOMEN CAN’T LEAD, just simply saying it’s an innate thing in men.
^This.
I think you can broaden it to more than just the heads of house holds. Men also “shouldn’t” be the emotional ones, and women should be the caretaker of families etc.
I also make more than my boyfriend and can’t cook worth shit, making me “terrible wife material” in the eyes of some. I HOPE these norms become less and less prominent going forward.
Unfortunately, teaching high school Catholic theology, we have to discuss gender roles, and all these kids hate it when I say “Men simply aren’t typically as good at nurturing because biologically, testosterone keeps us from being as emotionally mature as women as women aren’t typically as strong as men because estrogen doesn’t encourage muscle growth.” It’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean women are better than men or vice versa, it’s just understanding who we are. Nothing wrong with that.
men have a hard time expressing themselves emotionally, so one of the ways I show my family I love them is by providing for them a good life. I work my ass off so my family knows how much I care, even if it’s hard for me to put it into words.
Truly, you are #blessed.
Jesus, I thought you just needed a few loaves of bread and a few fish to feed an entire crowd. And you must save hundreds from changing your water into wine.
Nah, I just want to feed people your great Chicago sausages
You need to learn that if you bring home the bacon as a woman you should be able to cook it and make a sandwich with it too.
I’d disagree with it being an innate thing in men. Most specific behaviors are nurtured rather than natural, and I’ve known plenty of people who don’t think it’s strange for a woman or a younger person in a relationship to make more money- I would personally love it. Granted, I do have self-esteem issues and a set of hobbies suited for the ideal trophy husband so I may be slightly biased in my opinions.
What’s it like being a beta male?
This sounds like a plea for help, join the army.
Sometimes it’s not so much a gender thing as it is a pride thing. I don’t ever feel comfortable when other people spend money on me either.
This. It doesn’t take a particular gender to feel uncomfortable with being provided for or not “pulling your weight”
For a time, my wife made more than me. That was glorious. She spends (a lot) more than me, too, that’s less glorious.
At least she’s flexible though.
You have to talk this one out. I work as staff at a state university on the west coast. My fiance is a marketing big wig for a tech company. She makes roughly 4 times what I make. When we first started dating, it was definitely a bit embarrassing and a hit to my pride that I couldn’t be dropping bills on presents or really nice dinners aside from major events like her birthday. But mostly, that seemed to have been rooted in how I thought other people(her friends mostly) would view our relationship and not in how we actually worked and felt about it together. If you are serious about this guy, then you need to talk it out and find a good middle ground. She makes a lot more than me, but also has significantly more of a time commitment to her job. So, I am able to get home a couple hours before her and cook a nice meal every night and take care of the house, etc. If we have kids down the line, I will have more time to be with them instead of dumping them in daycare or after-school programs. While these areas certainly fall more under stereotypical “feminine” roles, it is still a way of providing for her. I wouldn’t say that makes me “woke” just that I had to re-frame how I view the ways in which I can be a provider for my fiance and our, hopefully, future family.
Also, if you play the teacher thing right, they can get great benefits in educational opportunities for you and your kids(not saying that this is any where on the horizon for you guys, but something to think about). But, my mom was teacher at a boarding school back home in Minnesota. On top of a free apartment on campus, free food, free golf, and unlimited access to an ice rink, she also got free tuition(~$30k a year each) for my brother, sister, and I. So that quickly bumped up her roughly $45k salary to well over $100k a year if you factor in what my parents didn’t have to spend money on. So, there is more to factor in that just base pay.
TL:DR talk about it. It might take some time for him to come around, but if you are seriously into each other, it will become less of an issue. If not, keep crushing your professional life and move on.
Goals. Lots of respect
my sister is a doctor and her ex-bf is a teacher. they used to joke that it would be good for their future kids because he would be a stay-at-home-dad for the summers lol
I think regardless of who in the relationship makes more money, if the gap is significant, it’s going to be a least a little awkward or contentious.
I’ve thought about this before. As a teacher, the reality is whoever I am with will probably make more money than I do (unless I end up with another teacher). But I’ve worried if I met someone who makes significantly more money than I do, will it be an issue…
its only an issue if you make it an issue. Ive been on both ends of the specturm. I made far more than my girlfriend before and ive had a girlfriend thats made much much more money than i could ever hope to. Its all about a balance and paying for stuff because the other person did before. Going back and forth and just dating… not really thinking too much about it.
Granted as a guy i insisted on paying for everything when we first stared dating, but when were in the groove of things it evened out. Just acting on the same level despite being on opposite ends of the financial spectrum
You can bet that I’d be at home playing Xbox and going on weekday hunts with the next gen if my better half could sustain the lifestyle. No questions asked.
The lady friend makes significantly more and yet I pay for seemingly everything. Part of me is cool with it. And part of me thinks it would be nice if she could foot a bill more than “every now and then” with that extra $$.
How long have you been together? I think regardless of how much progress we’ve made as a society, there’s still a pressure for men to pay for most of the “courting” stage of a relationship. (right or wrong) After about a year of being together, that pretty much stopped in my relationship. Whoever has the cash or offers to pick up the date pays and no one gives it a second thought.
My favorite teacher in high school’s wife was a doctor. He used to take a ton of shit from people about how his wife made a ton more then him. Then he would tell them to fuck off, get into his BMW, and laugh his ass off all the way home.