Okay, I have a confession to make. It’s one I’ve been holding in for a long time, because quite simply, I’ve been afraid. Afraid what people will think of me, afraid that my friends will ostracize me. But it’s finally time for me to come clean, to be honest with people. Are you ready? Here it is.
I don’t like brunch.
Wait. I’m still dancing around it, not telling the full truth. And if you are going to make a confession, you need to be completely honest.
I hate brunch.
Phew, ok. There it is. I put it out there into the universe, and there’s no getting it back now. But before you go “this bitch is cray,” hear me out – I have some pretty legitimate reasons.
Limited Options. For a meal that supposedly combines two meals, you would think that the menu options would be endless. But it turns out they are not…if you don’t like eggs. As someone who has hated everything about eggs – the taste, the consistency, the smell – since she was a little girl, the choices at brunch are extremely limited. Almost everything involves an egg. Hell, even the brunch burgers come with an egg on them. So for a long time, I was relegated to the world of side ordering: “I’ll have a side of bacon, a side of hashbrowns, and a side of toast.” And then I went low-carb…so I’ll just be over here, munching on my three sides of sausage.
The Cost. When I was a kid, I used to go to breakfast after church every Sunday with my gran. While there was no booze (aside from that nip she poured in her coffee to make it Irish), I’m pretty sure the entire bill never topped $15.00…which is now approximately the price of one drink at the modern-day brunch. Even accounting for inflation, I’m pretty sure the cost of eggs, bacon, and bread hasn’t gone up that much, but yet none of us can escape brunch now without paying at least $30 for a single drink and an entrée. So why are we getting hosed on our eggs benny? Because we are stupid enough to keep going back and overpaying.
Bloody Mary’s Are Actually Disgusting. Yeah, I said it. You know you all think it, but are afraid to admit it because bloodys are so “in.” I love vodka, but not mixed with the world’s grossest juice. I don’t care how much shit you pile on it, it can’t disguise the revoltingness underneath.
Sorry, Friday’s. I’m still 100% down with endless apps, though.
The People. Honestly, this is probably the biggest one for me. I could happily eat my plate of bacon and knock back some mimosas if I wasn’t surrounded by holier-than-thou hangover assholes who are willing to pay $28 for a meal you can get at Denny’s for $6. So let’s all be honest: we are the ones who have ruined brunch.
Brunch originally emerged because we were too hangover to make it to the restaurant during breakfast hours. So instead, this meal-in-the-middle became the time when we got together on a weekend morning to recount the ridiculousness and/or find the missing pieces from our evening out over a cheap meal because we had spent all of our money on booze the night before. But now, it’s full of people in sunglasses and sweatpants bitching about their lives, staring at their phones and trying to one-up each other while overpaying for toast with avocado on it. What used to be a cheap, simple meal of friendship has become the symbol of expensive pretentiousness.
So here’s my bottom line: until the prices come down, they stop putting eggs on everything, and the pompous assholes go away, I’ll be hitting up the grocery store for bacon, OJ, and champagne and eating my brunch at home. Join me, won’t you? .
Image via Unsplash