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Okay, I have a confession to make. It’s one I’ve been holding in for a long time, because quite simply, I’ve been afraid. Afraid what people will think of me, afraid that my friends will ostracize me. But it’s finally time for me to come clean, to be honest with people. Are you ready? Here it is.
I don’t like brunch.
Wait. I’m still dancing around it, not telling the full truth. And if you are going to make a confession, you need to be completely honest.
I hate brunch.
Phew, ok. There it is. I put it out there into the universe, and there’s no getting it back now. But before you go “this bitch is cray,” hear me out – I have some pretty legitimate reasons.
Limited Options. For a meal that supposedly combines two meals, you would think that the menu options would be endless. But it turns out they are not…if you don’t like eggs. As someone who has hated everything about eggs – the taste, the consistency, the smell – since she was a little girl, the choices at brunch are extremely limited. Almost everything involves an egg. Hell, even the brunch burgers come with an egg on them. So for a long time, I was relegated to the world of side ordering: “I’ll have a side of bacon, a side of hashbrowns, and a side of toast.” And then I went low-carb…so I’ll just be over here, munching on my three sides of sausage.
The Cost. When I was a kid, I used to go to breakfast after church every Sunday with my gran. While there was no booze (aside from that nip she poured in her coffee to make it Irish), I’m pretty sure the entire bill never topped $15.00…which is now approximately the price of one drink at the modern-day brunch. Even accounting for inflation, I’m pretty sure the cost of eggs, bacon, and bread hasn’t gone up that much, but yet none of us can escape brunch now without paying at least $30 for a single drink and an entrée. So why are we getting hosed on our eggs benny? Because we are stupid enough to keep going back and overpaying.
Bloody Mary’s Are Actually Disgusting. Yeah, I said it. You know you all think it, but are afraid to admit it because bloodys are so “in.” I love vodka, but not mixed with the world’s grossest juice. I don’t care how much shit you pile on it, it can’t disguise the revoltingness underneath.
Sorry, Friday’s. I’m still 100% down with endless apps, though.
The People. Honestly, this is probably the biggest one for me. I could happily eat my plate of bacon and knock back some mimosas if I wasn’t surrounded by holier-than-thou hangover assholes who are willing to pay $28 for a meal you can get at Denny’s for $6. So let’s all be honest: we are the ones who have ruined brunch.
Brunch originally emerged because we were too hangover to make it to the restaurant during breakfast hours. So instead, this meal-in-the-middle became the time when we got together on a weekend morning to recount the ridiculousness and/or find the missing pieces from our evening out over a cheap meal because we had spent all of our money on booze the night before. But now, it’s full of people in sunglasses and sweatpants bitching about their lives, staring at their phones and trying to one-up each other while overpaying for toast with avocado on it. What used to be a cheap, simple meal of friendship has become the symbol of expensive pretentiousness.
So here’s my bottom line: until the prices come down, they stop putting eggs on everything, and the pompous assholes go away, I’ll be hitting up the grocery store for bacon, OJ, and champagne and eating my brunch at home. Join me, won’t you? .
Image via Unsplash
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Thanks for joining us on this fine Tuesday morning, Satan.
Is this grounds for dismissal at Grandex?
Maybe it’s her way of putting in her two weeks.
Well that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
You don’t like eggs? I guess you probably don’t like freedom either.
Patiently waiting for a response from Chill.
I don’t necessarily like brunch, but I do love drinking an obscene amount of champagne mid-morning.
You’re so unique.
Solution: have your friends come over to your house for brunch. Then, you can just have your pancakes and sausage for a reasonable price, and not have to deal with people you don’t like.
Or you could skip the “inviting friends” part, cook enough pancakes for 8, and devour them all with no recourse or judgment. Still a good time either way.
Or go the diner route. Seems like everyone forgot who the real breakfast MVP is: your local, greasy diner that’s populated almost exclusivelyi by Vietnam vets, the Elk’s Club, and your grandparents. They’ve got every type of food your heart desires and whip up a bomb breakfast/burger/wings platter to soak your body in grease and begin the day’s recovery.
+1 for greasy spoon appreciation club.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Just baffling. Find a place that has a bottomless deal.
You don’t even have to look very hard for places that serve plenty of non-egg bottomless food options.
I’m right there with you on the Bloody Mary’s. I’ll never understand why people love those. It’s cold tomato soup with vodka in it. I’ll pound some mimosas and be on my way
Cooking food and drinking at your place > going out for brunch