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I travel more than the average bear. In fact, by the end of the year, I’ll have flown 100,000 miles in 2017. As somebody who’s obsessed with status, that 100K mark is a big, albeit meaningless accomplishment for me. Unfortunately, due to being unemployed for half the year and having to burn precious airline miles on some trips to save coin, I’ll only achieve Platinum status on the PR disaster in the sky known as United Airlines.
Before you get all hot under the collar and chime in that YOUR particular airline is better than mine, trust me when I tell you that I both believe you and don’t give a flying fuck (get it?). Every airline has its drawbacks. United has hubs in both my home cities of San Francisco and Chicago and has regular flights up and down the coast for my day job. I’m handcuffed and I can’t escape now.
Despite the fact that I’m a loyal customer whose airline allegiances will probably never change, this doesn’t prevent me from complaining to United at every single misstep they make. And boy, do they fuck up often. This isn’t done in the hopes of them improving their quality of service (which has gone downhill big time these past four years). It isn’t even done because I’m looking for an apology. Nope, I lodge nonstop complaints to United Airlines in the hopes of gaining the coveted ETC: Electronic Travel Certificate. An ETC is essentially a gift card that can be used to pay for flights and earn miles toward status just as you would with cash.
I don’t take the traditional route that comedians on Twitter do with their airline issues, which is to complain to their airline’s support handle and try to spin it into content for the amusement of their followers. Instead, I’ve had to hunt and claw my way into the bowels of the United Airlines Customer Service section of their website that contains a page called the Customer Care form. They make it impossible to find and the page regularly times out and reloads, causing you to lose all your work. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m using this form to bleed their stockpile of ETCs dry.
Two-hour delay with no explanation besides “maintenance issues?” You bet your ass I’m filling out a Customer Care form. According to me and me only, I had an important client dinner I missed and United needs to compensate me accordingly. Wifi on the plane isn’t working on a cross-country flight in the middle of the workday? Turns out I had an important business document I needed to send to a colleague and it’s now United’s fault it didn’t get there. There’s no limit to the opportunities you can use to your advantage. Tray table not working? Tell the flight attendant – they’ll email you a $75 ETC I’m not joking. Did the gate agent tell you one reason for the delay and the pilot come on the intercom after taking off three hours late and give you a different reason? That’s poor communicating on United’s behalf and I demand to be compensated accordingly.
Here’s an example of something that happened to me just last week. I was scheduled to fly from SF to Newark early on a Tuesday morning. We were told the flight was delayed due to catering needing to be brought onboard. Once that delay was settled and we had boarded we were told by the pilot that we needed to deplane and were delayed two more hours due to bad weather in NY. Two and a half hours later when we were finally airborne and I asked if I could order food, I was told there was no food available onboard. So why then were we lied to and delayed that first hour, causing us to run into the bad weather and be delayed even longer? This is just a perfect example of every airline’s proclivity to lie and take advantage of their customers due to the unrelenting need for their services. Before we’d even landed I had a scathing Customer Care form locked and loaded and within 24 hours was sent an ETC for $250 from United’s Customer Care team. Thanks for the free Thanksgiving flights you stupid clown car of an airline!
It’s gotten to the point now where I fly looking for mistakes I can complain about. Before you ask, no, I don’t ever conjure up mishaps out of thin air. However, they’ve become so commonplace that I just see dollar signs when they happen. I’ll put up with any number of delays and broken tray tables if it means at a later date I’ll end up traveling through the sky at hundreds of miles per hour FOR FREE.
For those who think this is an unethical practice or simply that I’m abusing my frequent flier status, do a quick Google search of “United Airlines” and click “news” (NSFW). I’m not flying Momma and Poppa Airline and taking cash out of the register when I pick up my boarding pass. This is a monstrous, faceless organization that only cares about the bottom line and not an ounce about their customer’s comfort, well-being or sanity. They’ll make the seats smaller and the food more expensive as they get bigger and more gluttonous. They’ll delay flights longer and raise ticket prices and blame it on the cost of fuel. They’ll grab hold of us like a python and squeeze every dollar and shred of dignity out until we succumb to their bullshit. I plan on doing both my duty as a human being and as a guy with a little too much time on his hands to make sure I go down swinging.
P.S. I’m writing this from a plane where the wifi “is only working for half the users onboard, apologies!” Looking forward to that free trip home for Christmas too, United. .
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Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
“Dear United,
There was a god damn baby on my cross country flight that was screaming in terror for 6 straight hours. Please disallow babies from traveling on planes as well as their parents. They aren’t even intelligent enough to have a conversation or realize that life will continue to become more increasingly terrifying. If I had to be “this tall” to ride a Ferris wheel as a kid, we should bring that logic back for planes. There’s no need for babies to travel, they won’t remember the trip they’re being taken on, and they won’t remember the relatives they are being carted to go see. If people can’t afford a babysitter to keep their baby at home how can they purchase an overpriced seat on this careening Sky death trap? I want to idly sit in my seat with my shitty bag of peanuts and vodka and try not to think of bad thoughts as I look out the window. I hope you can accommodate my request for a baby ban and also please get better food and WiFi.
Love,
Devin
You knowingly got on a 6 hour flight without headphones? I’m having a hard time finding sympathy for you.
Oh, there were head phones. Baby cries are transmitted at a vibrational frequency that penetrates air further and can also pass through membranes such as plastic. It’s like radiation but except giving you cancer years later, it makes you want to commit acts that the global elite commit while dressed in hooded cloaks in dimly lit pentagram candle structures in the basement of some high profile church somewhere
Try noise canceling headphones…
I still can’t get over the fact that anyone commutes to their day job via airplane.
Also, I bookmarked this article for later use next time I fly.
About to hit Diamond on Delta and I fully endorse this article.
Do you remember Song airlines? It was part of Delta I think. So bummed it went away because I loved it.
Platinum Mediallion/Million Miler/Skyteam Elite or bust.
The fact that anyone flies any airline besides Southwest blows my mind
Honestly have rarely had problems with southwest. Need to change your flight date? No problem. Wanna arrive on time? Usually can make it happen. Not the cheapest airline always but has been the most hassle free for me.
Open seating is overrated. I’ll take an assigned seat on a different airline all day. Except United, fuck them.
I wish I had that Southwest money #TeamFrontier
Under 2.5 hours and Frontier is the way to go… over that and it is worth paying more. Plus, most frontier flights are direct which is the only way to fly.
Only flown southwest once and it was truly the worst experience I’ve ever had on airline — cancelled direct flight for no reason, put me on a layover flight across the country and charged me $250 to make a change once a seat opened up on an earlier flight that still would have gotten me there later than my original. Too scared to fly again now
Southwest is great, unless you’re flying in/out of SFO. Then again, SFO makes every airline horrible
The fact that anyone flies Southwest blows my mind.
Alaska or Delta is the only real way to go. Plus Alaska offer’s free beer and wine for some of their shorter flights on the west coast.
I just really need to know what the fuck your day job is that you were 6 months out of work and still flying regularly, Hickey.
Escort
Advertising and tech sales. I flew regularly those six months I was out because I had accrued over 300K frequent flier miles the previous two years from flying every week
Goddamn. Yeah, that’d do it.
This cracked me up. But honestly as a frequent flier myself, if you expect your flight to go well, you’re nuts. Plan for delays. Get the early flights. Be aware of the time of year you’re flying. Aisle seats toward the front of the plane or bust. And don’t even get me started on people who refuse to carry on luggage. Catch me laid up with my venti Starbucks coffee & a good book on my iPad… or at the nearest airport bar. No worries.
100% agree on the early flight. I’ll take the 6:05am out of JFK, please and thank you.
Also… if you don’t pack a shit ton of snacks wyd?
I’m a United fa I really hope you’re never on my flight…
Wow, can you say entitled douchebag?
Somehow I don’t believe that you reserve this asinine behavior solely for 30,000 ft.
I’ve been slinging Coke’s in the air probably longer than you’ve been alive and I’ve seen every scam, “neurosis” and “special needs” (not refering to those who TRULY do have REAL neurosis or special needs) that affects human kind! I should have my PhD in Psychology by now. Sweetheart, there was no Wifi, cell phones or laptop computers in the good old days, everyone was served a hot meal, sometimes even on short hops. Humans used to dress up or at least put clothes on to fly unlike these days. Also, humans used to have a sense of dignity, say please and thank you and acknowledge my presence as a fellow human being as I slogged my trolley down the aisle. Children used to behave and there was just an overall sense of propriety and manners.
All this “change in the air” began in the 90’s with the advent of airphones (no longer a thing, replaced by cellular phones) laptops, Gameboy, iPod, fare wars, blah, blah!!!
Then there was this day in history,
9/11/2001 specifically for some of you spoiled millennials who don’t remember what happened on that ill fated day that completely stopped air travel in its entirety for a week with catastrophic financial consequences for some airlines not to mention the horrific loss of fellow human’s lives!
Enter TSA stage right….. WAR etc.
So, here’s the breakdown of my rant.
Humans now want to get from point A to point B for the least amount of $$$$. How do you think the airlines can give you all these modern conveniences, pay off all of you petty complaining douchbags not to mention the legitimate complaints, lawsuits, employees AND afford to operate????
I’ll give you three guesses ……
If you said less leg room and overhead space you are correct! If you said less staff and or less staff who gives a shit you are correct (mind you most starting airline wages are meek and benefits are considered part of our living wage). If you said soaring gas prices , inflated CEO salaries and TSA once again you are correct!
Lastly I pretty much have only one thing to say to you Humans who feel the need to complain about every minutiae, crying baby, broken tray table, didn’t get blank….insert here, spoiled, entitled, your mommy and your daddy didn’t love you….to charter your own fucking airplane the next time and let us civil, behaved, ethical humans fly in peace!
May I remind you that flying is a privilege and is still considered one of the great modern miracles!
Peace out.
Sincerely,
An old Trolley Dolly
Thank you FlyBot!!
I use this same tactic any time my food order is incorrect. All major companies have an area hidden on their website for customer feedback. I’ve been given gift cards for countless free food at Chick Fil A, Cracker Barrell, and O’Charleys to name a few.
People eat at O’Charley’s?
Pure genius…