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We are now mid-June. Playoff sports are over, the baseball doldrums are in fine form and football is a distant visage. This can only mean that we have officially entered Summer. For the majority of readers, that means wistfully remembering the easygoing unpaid internships while currently working at your demanding unpaid internships.
Most of you find solace at night in the swimsuit pics of your exes on summer vacations from years past. You are sad and directionless. But hey! You’ve sort of got some PTO and you’re about to get evicted anyway so that means you can plan your summer vacation!
But where to? Fyre Fest has come and gone. Vegas is played out. Your mom got the beach house in the divorce, and Jax the pool boy just moved in, so that’s out as well. You need a cost effective destination that is both desirable enough to post on your snap story as well as obscure enough to prove that you are on the cutting edge of millennial trends.
Never fear! We here at PGP are here for you. Behold, the summer vacation destinations du juor of today’s millennial workforce. So request that time off (or put in your two weeks), book your ticket on the budget airline of your maxed out credit card of choice and get ready for the time of your life!
1. Grand Rapids, Michigan
As the self-described “Beer City, USA” and fictional locale of the American Pie series, this is the perfect location for your summer getaway. There are lots of breweries with subpar offerings sold for cheap. There is a favorable exchange rate between the American Dollar and the local currency of fried cheese curds. It is within driving distance of one of the Great Lakes, and hotels are cheap enough that even with a DUI fine on the way home you’ll still come out ahead.
2. Pascagoula, Mississippi
You’d like to go to New Orleans, but after Katrina, lousy Dave Matthews and the bros over at Unicorn Booty have gentrified the area to a level we like to describe as “can’t afford the vrbo no mo.” Never fear! Just down the road is pastoral Pascagoula. Imagine, if you will, a Cezanne painting. The bulbous and pale naked bodies, the murky waters in the background. Now imagine that eighty percent of them are dudes and there are like three fistfights going on. Now imagine there’s a casino around the corner. Take whatever cash you can advance from your newest credit card, bet it all on black, and let sweet lady fortune determine the next five years of your life!
3. Pahrump, Nevada
Long a favorite habitat of dishonorably discharged Air Force officers, extras from the California Love music video and conspiracy theorists, Pahrump is the optimal port of call for the millennial with even a smidge of foresight. Street signs and neighborhoods don’t matter, because every homestead in the town is on wheels. There’s a semi-famous gun range in town, but that’s not all. Pahrump boasts an equal number of brothels and craft wineries, which is perfect for you, since your skills with the opposite sex and taste in wine can both be described as “pretty close to Death Valley with notes of nuclear fallout.” And wait, is that Steve Jobs? No you idiot he’s dead, that’s Apple Co-Founder Ronald Wayne (the poor one). He owns some land in the area.
4. Broken Bow, Oklahoma
Broken Bow is the melting pot of interests and perspectives that make America great. Progressive ideals and modern living arrived in southeastern Oklahoma with the “We Need To Put That Indian Thing In Writing And Also We Need A Dam To Give Us Electricity And Stop These Floods” Act of 1961. Since then, the area has flourished, in part due to natural beauty but mostly due to the fact that it’s the only place in a 50 mile radius where people can buy alcohol or vending machine cigarettes. Be sure to bring your sock full of coins, not because you need socks but rather you’ll need a weapon to fight the locals off your campsite and also because the nearby casinos only have slot machines, no table games.
5. Ingleside, Texas
Are you ready for an explosive time?! Good, because the water is literally – not figuratively – filled with bombs. Welcome to the self-described Mine Warfare Capital of the World. That is, of course, until the Navy base there closed in 2009. What exists now is essentially an array of empty warehouses and a speakeasy all-nude strip club that exists somewhere in the ether of dilapidated billboards and the foggy memories of those lucky enough to wake up on the part of the beach walking distance from that deserted Sonic with a little Taaka still left in that plastic bottle. The cherry limeade juice is still good, so top off that bottle, shake it up, and figure out your way home. Which deserted Sonic? The one on the north side of the bay. You know the one.
Book your ticket today to any of these exotic locations and get a discount code at Man Outfitters!*
*There is no discount to anything associated with any of these destinations..
Image via Shutterstock