This Week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: April 8

This Week’s Most Basic Bumble BFF Profiles: April 7

Read last week’s Basic Bumble BFF Profiles.

“Do you know anyone who would want this Widespread Panic ticket?” I was asked on Monday night after a friend backed out of the concert scheduled for this Friday. I racked my brain attempting to think of any friends who 1. weren’t already going and 2. didn’t have other plans. And it was at that moment I realized that my group of friends is, well, limited. Outside of my tight-knit group, I’ve got… well, not a lot.

I sat and wondered, “Do I need to branch out?” No, because I feel like I do a pretty good job mingling as it is. “Do I need to be more open to people who make a bad first impression on me?” Nah, I’ve got a pretty good taste of character. “Do I need to join the male version of Bumble BFF?” Okay, okay, let’s not be crazy here. I’m not that desperate.

Let’s get to this week’s batch.

Live in [redacted]. Looking for some pretty lil gals to drink wine with and complain about stinkin’ boys. I love reading, art, road trips, and being outdoors.

Usually, when you’re looking for a friend, you’re really looking for someone who leads with the fact that they like to complain, right? That doesn’t sound like the start to a miserable friendship at all, does it? Luckily, she likes reading (meaning she brings a book to the beach to look smart but never actually reads it), road trips (she did one road trip in 2012 with her friends after college and hasn’t talked to them since), and being outdoors (she got a Patagonia pullover for Christmas).

I’m a slight workaholic *hair flip emoji* I absolutely love my dog *dog emoji* I love food, adventures, the gyms my friend and if you have a GIF keyboard we’ll be great friends *smiling emoji*

This girl is desperate if her base requirement is a GIF keyboard. Like, if you hit this girl with a Kimoji, does she just immediately buy a set of friendship bracelets or does she save that for Bitmojis? At least she admits to being a workaholic, though, because those entry-level marketing positions don’t just fill themselves.

New to the area, from New England. My friends say that secrets are always safe with me because I’ll forget them anyways if that gives you an idea about me.. I’m easy going, please take me to yoga or mostly anywhere with good food and hot boys.

Man, this girl sounds like a hell of a friend. You always love having the friend who you talk to only to have everything you say go in one ear and out the other. And while I don’t respect her for the yoga piece, I do somewhat respect her for just going all-in on “good food” and “hot boys.” If I were making my own profile and said, “Take me anywhere with a lotta beers and loose women,” people would think I’m a scumbag.

I like to lift weights I like vodka champagne wine *maple leaf emoji* talking about shitty tv and asking too many questions about shit that doesn’t even matter. I eat pretty well and work out often. You can join me or make fun of me. Either way I don’t care *smiling emoji* lets do shit and laugh about it when we are old *champagne emoji*

A girl who will endlessly talk about her workouts when she’s getting hammered on every fast-acting type of alcohol? Yeah, sign me up. That won’t get old at all.

I also fundamentally don’t understand why anyone in their right mind says that they enjoy “shitty” television. This goes for Bumble, at happy hour, or pretty much anywhere else. Sure, I’ll admit that I’ve got some guilty pleasures, but I’m not going to say that I wholeheartedly enjoy anything blatantly “shitty.” Just a blatant lack of self-awareness. But I guess that’s what you’d expect from someone that puts a random maple leaf emoji in the middle of two sentences that have nothing to do with leaves in the first place.

Art Hist. grad student. Always down for concerts, drinks, hikes, shopping, dog play dates, & brunch *champagne emoji* [Insert Instagram handle] You’ll find photos of my love of traveling, good food, and wine *red wine emoji*, my dogs *dog emoji*, family & friends, & my boyfriend, Tom. Denver|Dallas|NYC|Paris|Austin

Ah, yes, the rare girl on Bumble BFF with a boyfriend. We all know this girl — her travels to NYC and Paris? They’ve probably happened, like, once. One of which being a class trip in high school. And her boyfriend, Tom? What’s going through this dude’s head when he sees that his girlfriend is on a matchmaking app for friendship? You can’t trust a girl with no friends. Everyone knows that, Tom. Clean it up.

Image via Unsplash

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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