This Week In Terrible Dude Bumble Bios: May 5

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This is going to start out a little weird, but stay with me. I have a complicated relationship with applesauce. My nightly ritual includes a bowl of a-sauce topped with half a sliced banana, some coconut shavings, and a dash of cinnamon after dinner. Healthy and delicious; the perfect snack. Or rather, it would be perfect if it came in a jar that wasn’t damn impossible to open. Every time I get a new batch, I face the dreaded task of fidgeting with rubber jar openers, getting creative with my positioning (hey-oh), banging it on the counter top (hey-oh again), and running it under hot water. I look like one of those clueless assholes from the infomercials. It’s embarrassing and pathetic. It’s also a lot of work, and sometimes it would be nice to have someone I can simply hand it off to, saying “Babe, do you mind? I am too dainty to prepare my low-calorie snack on my own.”

What I’m saying is I’m lonely. So I open Bumble and…nope. One look at this trash fire and suddenly opening my own jars is the least of my worries. I put away the thought of ever using this app for a purpose other than entertainment and started left-swiping away. Looks like your girl is switching to plastic applesauce cups for now and hitting arms at the gym tomorrow.

I make *camera emojis* movies… Credit score 1298. Gotta be outside… Go travel *airplane emoji* anywhere and everywhere… It’s always better in the *sun emoji*… Rap and *microphone emoji* country no other music exists…

What kind of credit score is that? Granted, my credit isn’t elite, but anything above 750 is solid, right? His suggestion that it can go into the quadruple digits just gave me a gnarly scaries flare up. Whatever dude, you know you’re grasping when your credit score makes the highlight reel. You’d think someone with the sense to make timely credit card payments can also figure out how to use ellipses properly, but maybe that’s just my bitterness talking. Judging by the use of emojis and his taste in music, his impossible credit score is the highlight reel.

If I leave it in blank you won’t like it but if you want to know about myself feel free to ask me questions bcz Answers are what we have for other people’s questions! I never thought I had such an exciting life, before I heard what people talk about me. Lol

I fully understand the motivation behind padding the word count, so I will leave that alone. However, I have to say this is the first time I’ve ever seen a subtweet in a Bumble profile. Actually, I really only see this type of sentiment through my middle-school-aged cousin’s Facebook statuses. At least I know hers have a grain of credibility to them. Junior high rumor mills will rock your whole world if you’re cool enough. At this age, though? It’s just plain depressing. Go get some better friends, man.

I’m 6 foot 4 I climb/camp a lot so if your boring and lazy please just swipe left. I’m looking for a woman who’s not a pussy and likes the outdoors.. I need a strong woman.

There are no words to describe this man’s juevos. Only someone with balls of the most rugged steel can have the audacity to refer any woman as a “pussy” on a platform designed such that only women will see it. I have to give him props for that. The rest of it is weak pudding though. Can’t use the right “you’re” and definitely would make me open my own jars. Hard pass.

*camera emojis* Professional Photographer & Producer
*shamrock emojis* Happy Go Lucky
*peace sign emojis* Good Thrills and Chill Vibes
*smiley emoji* A Jack of Most Trades
*fist emoji, muscle emoji* Fitness Junkie
*world emoji*Traveller
*moon emojis*Night Owl
*zodiac emoji* Scorpio
*paws emojis* Father of 2 fur babies

Or if you would prefer a visual:

It’s been a close race, but I believe we might have ourselves the most punchable bio we’ve seen so far. I feel like Marie Curie pioneering radioactivity, except my scholarly pursuits are pointless. Every element that makes up a terrible bio is found right here. Excessive emojis? Check. Overemphasizing fitness? Check. The phrase “Chill Vibes”? Check. “Fur babies”!? It is almost impossible to screw up mentioning your dogs in your profile, but this fool went and blew those odds out of the water. Fucking Check. I don’t want to say every professional photographer on this app is a horse’s ass, but the data I have gathered supports that hypothesis. Cruelly, as much as this guy sucks, he’ll still get out there and shoot a few frames of some aspiring Instagram model “for the portfolio.”

6’ tall. Animal lover, explorer of cities, consumer of new food and drink. Into tech and business not cars and sports.

Working on getting my own consulting firm up and running this year. #workhard #playharder

Ryan Gosling is my spirit animal. I’m serious

Is Ryan Gosling also an unemployed dweeb who hates cars and sports? Good luck with that consulting firm. I bet your Facebook friends are super amped about it.

I want movement, challenge and not a calm course of existence. I want excitement, risk, danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for love… 6’2

Giving the green light for psycho behavior right from the jump? This won’t end badly at all. This guy is just begging to have his tires slashed after posting an unexplained Snapchat story with his female cousin. There must be nothing in his life worth protecting if he’s out here throwing gauntlets like that. Let’s calm down, alright. You’re finding someone to bone, not auditioning for fucking Shakespeare.

I’m going to achieve massive success so I can inspire & influence; especially those that are as insecure & self-limiting as I once was.

*pursed lips emoji, wind emoji, tree emoji*
Good-hearted
Financially poor; spiritually rich
Personal Development
Doesn’t have a car
Open-Minded
Ambitious
Southern Gentleman
IG: ____

Textbook ”I reject the very institution of money” level poverty. We’ve all been there, bud. In fact, I still find myself right there with you almost every other Thursday. Everyone knows it’s all in how you fake it, though. You give those spiritual riches a shot. I’ll give you a call when your Personal Development gets you as far as my Ford Escape gets me. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Best

Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.

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