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If you really want to know someone, what do you do? Watch how they treat wait staff? Yeah. Observe their interactions with strangers. Sure. Make sure they hate the same things you do? That definitely helps. But one trait often overlooked is how that person acts in an airport. And the gross majority of the time, they suck. Just like everyone else.
You see, if there’s one thing on this planet I know I do better than 99% of the population, it’s airporting. My job requires that I travel across the country for a living, which means I’m constantly surrounded by infrequent travelers who quite literally lose all sensory knowledge and fine motor skills the moment they step foot in an airport. So to avoid this fate, follow my directions:
Pre-Flight
Choosing the right security line could mean the difference between comfortably making your flight and questioning every decision you’ve made in your degenerate life. You should always go for lines that don’t have families – especially ones with new parents. They probably left their middle child at the ticket counter and will make you wait as they attempt to mask the lifelong traumatizing pain they’ve just inflicted on their kin.
For women, always avoid lines with the female TSA members. Their testosterone levels far exceed the normal range, and with a worse government-sponsored job than Melania, they’re looking to take it out on whoever crosses their path. Do homegirl a fave and shove all the expensive Tumis ahead of you into the conveyer belt with all your might. All the businessmen will call you a cunt under their breath and she’ll give you a solid wink. It’ll be the best piece of positive feedback you get that week.
During Flight
According to research, the average American says that they need at least 3.1 feet of personal space between them and a stranger in order to feel comfortable. When this is reduced to a mere fraction, it’s understandable tensions run high on flights. But tensions run higher when a few things happen:
1. Someone brings hot food on a plane. You’re a horrible human being and if this plane crashes, I hope you die a millisecond before me.
2. Someone just “half” stands up when you try to get out of the row. The second we hit turbulence, I’m now giving you a lap dance while on-lookers stare horrified and shame me all the way to the bathroom and back.
3. The aisle or the window seat claim ownership of the shared-middle armrest. Jesus be damned, if I have to politely shove one more man-spreading asshat off my armrest, I’m going full-on United on that B.
Post-Flight
Post-flight is when us humans hark back to our gorilla roots. Brains are half the size, people grunt and shove their way through a tiny aisle, and you might even see an Asian person climb their way forward from row 28 if you’re lucky. After de-boarding, I want to get out of the airport as fast as humanly goddamn possible. My patience is lower than Trump’s approval rating, and I’ve been known to kick children out of my way. A little trick when leaving the airport is to always wear high heels and walk as loud as possible. That way, people can hear you coming and scurry off before you ram them with your 18-wheeler of an attitude. It’s the modern day Moses parting of the seas.
So the next time you travel, please use these tips appropriately. And for the love of God, don’t ever ask me to switch seats with you. I’m way too selfish for that. .
Respond
If I see that person from row 28 trying to run down the aisle to exit first, I’m getting in their way without hesitation 10 times out of 10
Get TSA Pre-Check…..Also, avoid anywhere with families especially with small kids. They fuck up everything, including their own family. If you have a kid below 4 years old, leave them home so the rest of us can somewhat enjoy an already miserable experience. Can’t find a babysitter? Well, you don’t get to go on your little trip. Should have thought of that before selfishly making a carbon copy of yourself that’s just gonna fill up space in a cubicle and be dead inside when it grows up
I had pre check once. Then I forgot my gun in my backpack after a hunting trip until I was going through security for a Christmas trip. Needless to say, I’m no longer pre check and I’m always “selected at random” for bag searches.
I wouldn’t think a gun that fits in a bag is really hunting appropriate but what do I know?
Depends on what you’re hunting if ya know what I mean
I hunt in south Texas. If you’re not walking around with a pistol on your hip to practice your quick draw on rattlesnakes, you’re wrong.
Side arm, champ
I don’t hunt bears, but some people use large handguns for it, and I don’t think it’d hurt to carry as a sidearm just in case.
TSA clear is also worth it for consultants since it let’s you skip the TSA pre check line. Also carry on bag’s only
I like that there’s now a level above pre check cause the cats out of the bag about pre-check
Bravo
I kept waiting for this article to get started and then all of a sudden it was over.
As was I, but she was trying too hard to make sure we knew where she stood on politics.
You’re right… Everyone knows Trump’s approval rating is 99.99%
Soon to be 100%
You might consider yourself good at “airporting” but clearly are awful at “fonting.” Don’t need a whole article in mostly italics.
Be humble. Sit the fuck down once we’re at the gate and the pilot turns off the seatbelt light. Patience is key and we don’t get off the plane faster if your ass is in my face. Plus, if you’re in the aisle, your neck will be stuck at a 45 degree angle until people move.
You neglected many, MANY deeply revealing airport moments, that, at various times in my career, have left me sobbing at a gate or drunk at at an airport bar. They include:
-How someone reacts when their flight is cancelled
-How someone reacts when the airline lost the pilots and/or flight attendants
-How someone reacts when their flight is placed in a 3-hour holding pattern and/or diverted to Harrisburg, PA
-Whether someone can find their gate without cluelessly staring at the departure board for 5 minutes
-How someone navigates through crowds. If they stop abruptly and turn around and knock into 17 people, CUT ALL CONTACT IMMEDIATELY
-What food and drink choices someone makes while waiting for their flight
-How flustered someone gets when going through TSA. Are they calm? Do they have their ID and boarding pass ready? Are they making loud, passive aggressive statements about how terrible air travel is? Do they try to take their shoes off in the pre-check line?
-Whether someone flies wearing any of the following: mom/dad jeans, fanny pack, oversized hoodie with “[DESTINATION LOCATION]” in 1990s Gap font
Once you get through security get your bags and your shoes and take them off to the side! I hate seeing the line being held up by somebody trying to shove their liquids back in their bag/ lace up their shoes as soon as they exit the body scan.
If we arrive at the gate and you instantly stand up, even though we have 20 minutes before you can move, you’re scum
Seriously, it takes a minute to get the plane door open and for them to bring up the jetbridge anyway. Like, it’s going to be a minute. Chill.
Nothing makes my blood boil like a MF’r who thinks they can cut ahead of people during the deboarding process. I’d say this is 1 of 4 scenarios that i could justify starting a fist fight with someone as an adult.
Get on the PGP Columbus Reddit thread
There were so many blatant “I’m better than you” references throughout this article it left me wondering if Shkreli is freelancing for PGP from prison.