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I have two goals in life: to be a featured cast member on The Real World and be the subject of someone’s Missed Connection ad on Craigslist. While I’m too old looking to be on The Real World, my dream to be a missed connection is still alive and well. The only problem? I’m not sure I can compete with what’s going on in the world anymore.
Just look at this Missed Connection ad from Craigslist New York:
Train Fister – w4m (M Train, around Marcy)
You are an unassuming looking guy, probably around 30. You were sitting across from me on the M train this morning. I was reading my book when I looked up for a second and realized that you were staring pretty fixedly at my face. You then proceeded to shove your ENTIRE FIST into your mouth without breaking eye contact. You kept it there for the remaining stops (all three of them) that I stayed on the train until I had to transfer. All the while, fist firmly in your mouth, your gaze unwavering. When I got out, the fist was still in your mouth. Maybe it still is, as you read this. Maybe that’s just what your life is now.
Who are you, train fister? What is your life? What are your travels? What is your mission? Have you been training for this day, or was it a pretty remarkable impulse based physical feat? Moreover, was this a come on? Has this worked for you in the past? Was it just my sheer chance placement in front of you that made me the intended audience for your weird and massively unsettling face fisting, or was there something about me that inspired you?
You are an enigma wrapped in a mystery, train fister. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all day. Either your act was just so fucking weird that it knocked my sense of the world out of alignment slightly, or I love you. Maybe both.
Train fister, I yearn to know your secrets. Tell me your stories. Show me your ways.
Say what you want about Train Fister, but this dude has game. Just look at this from an impartial perspective: Train Fister saw a girl he liked, he took the proper actions to get the girl to notice him, and now said girl can’t get Train Fister out of her head. Hell, she went home and wrote four paragraphs pretty much begging for this dude to reach out to her. The last time I had a girl pursue me like this was never.
While I don’t completely understand Train Fister’s game, I can’t help but respect it. While everyone else is looking at ten people a day on Hinge, this Romeo is going no holds barred lips to wrist. The craziest part? It’s working. .
Image via pcruciatti / Shutterstock.com
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Brian?
Looks like JayTas is at it again…
Will said he fisted his mouth, not his ass.
I’m guessing this is one of two this: 1) He lost a bet with some buddies and had to do this to the next girl he made eye contact with on the train. 2) He randomly decided to see how many people he could freak the hell out for fun.
Hahaha. My thoughts exactly, Pepto.