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This Is Not A Drill: We Have Our New Bachelor

Arie Luyendyk Jr.

First, I was convinced Wells was going to be the next Bachelor. Then, I was kind of back on board with team Peter. And the more I thought about it being Peter, the more stoked I was. The show was going to be Mount Krakatoa lava fire flames. But that’s not who the next Bachelor is, either. You ready for this?

Arie Luyendyk Jr.

WHO?!

He finished runner up in Emily Maynard’s season back in 2012, which, sure, was only five years ago. But in Bachelor years? That’s like half a millennia. He’s a race car driver, he’s a good looking cat, and yet I have zero interest in this upcoming season with him at the helm. Do you?

Via Yahoo:

Producers of The Bachelor promised fans a truly “shocking” announcement — and for the first time in forever, they weren’t exaggerating. This January, Arie Luyendyk Jr. — best known to fans as the runner-up on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette in 2012 — will be returning to the fold as the Bachelor.

The news, announced on Good Morning America this morning, came as an actual shock to fans and Bachelor scholars. Even infamous Bachelor spoiler sleuth Reality Steve was predicting up until Wednesday that Peter Kraus, the salt-and-pepper haired runner up from the 2017 season of The Bachelorette, would be the one handing out the roses. It seems that Kraus was, in fact, in serious discussions with ABC to be the Bachelor, but something unexpected apparently derailed his “journey” to Casa Bachelor. Good Morning America had promised to announce the new Bachelor on Friday, Sept. 1 — but that plan was scrapped, leading to lots of fan speculation about behind-the-scenes drama, including some concerns that ABC might be about to cancel the long-running romance franchise.

They honestly could cancel the franchise – or at least put it on hiatus for a while – just to rejuvenate this shit. They really had to go get some dude from five fucking years ago? Shit, pick someone from Jojo’s season. How about we get Ben H. for a second go around? Literally anyone we’ve heard of.

This Arie guy could be the cat’s pajamas, the bees knees. I’m sure he’s a swell and dandy dude. But nobody knows him. There’s no investment in his story line. The girls signing up for the show? They aren’t looking for love with him. They’re all looking to boost their Insta following so they can become “bloggers” and sell Fit Tea. (News flash, sis, this is what a real blogger looks like.

So, do I have high hopes for this show? No, but I never really do, so that’s fine. I just wish we had a familiar face to watch every Monday. The show needs to know that it got wayyyy more popular in the last like, two to three years, and going into archives to throw some axle grease in Arie’s creaky joints, blow the cobwebs off of him, and send him into the national spotlight, was in, in fact, not the move.

Anyway, should be a hell of a ride. Can’t wait for January.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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