======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
The best way to avoid being called a creep is to not be a creep. Plain and simple. And while some dudes know they’re being gross and just don’t give a fuck, I think others are genuinely good guys that are unaware of what girls find creepy.
Our society has historically done a bad job of raising women to be assertive about their boundaries. While it should be simple for a girl to say, “Hey, this is making me uncomfortable. You need to stop,” I know firsthand that this is difficult in certain contexts, such as with a fellow employee that you have to see every day or with someone who acts like they’re just being friendly, even though you get a gut feeling that they have ulterior motives. Sometimes I’m made to feel that addressing it will be more uncomfortable and consequential than just letting it happen and brushing it off, and it’s a challenge that I’m continuing to work on in my late 20s.
Even though it’s my responsibility to enforce my boundaries, it would also be nice if guys just didn’t put me in these situations to begin with. And, as we’re seeing with the wave of sexual harassment claims in Hollywood, there’s huge problem with the systemic normalization of this shit. As a former Hooters girl, I’m all too familiar with organizations that normalize harassment and incentivize girls to reduce themselves to their sexuality. At the time, I thought it was totally fine – I grew up in the era of Girls Next Door, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team where I learned that the best way to get ahead in life was to be a sexy hustler of men. But as I’ve continued to grow, I’ve realized that when my value is dependent on my desirability, I’m shortchanging myself, and I don’t like how other people think they’re allowed to treat me. So, personally, I don’t think this shit should fly in any organization, and now that the curtain has been ripped down, dudes are more likely to be exposed moving forward.
Here’s how to avoid that situation by not being a creep.
1. Don’t fucking push it.
Girls love to say something along the lines of, “I’ll come over/ You can come over if you don’t try to fuck me.” And guys love to take this as a suggestion. While it’s more effective for her to just initiate a hangout in public if she wants to avoid this, you should also be able to respect her wishes regardless of the environment. So if a girl tells you this, it doesn’t mean come over and try to fuck her anyway. It means to be prepared to act like a gentleman or avoid the hangout entirely.
If she says she doesn’t want to have sex and then gets drunk later and seems down for it, she will feel a lot better about herself and you in the morning if you don’t use her intoxication as an easy-in. “No” means “no.” Even though we’ve all heard it a million times, some guys seem to think that “no” means “try harder.” Do not assume that the girl is just playing hard to get. If she is playing games, that’s a lesson about the importance of being open about her feelings that she needs to learn. If you’re unsure of her feelings, why don’t you ask her? Then, respect her answer. If, at any time during a sexual encounter, she says she’s no longer into it, that’s her right. Drop it, bud.
If she only has sex with you because you won’t stop harassing her, it’s not because she wanted to. Unfortunately, there have been times where I felt that it would be less stressful to just let a guy fuck me and get it over with than to be harassed all night. As I said before, girls are socially conditioned to accept a certain level of harassment. We navigate all kinds of uncomfortable situations trying to balance what we can and can’t handle and the consequences that come along with it. And while, as women, we have to work on clarifying the shit we don’t want to put up with, you still don’t want to be the kind of guy that corners us in a situation where we have to wrestle with uncomfortability.
2. Pick up on the cues she doesn’t want to talk to you.
There I was last week, waiting in line to board an airplane, minding my own business with my headphones in listening to the 6th Harry Potter book (I’ve rededicated myself to finishing them) when a dude (who had on a wedding ring, by the way) starts talking to me about my trip. At first, I give him the benefit of the doubt. I take a headphone out and engage in some small talk while making it clear that I’m meeting up with my boyfriend at my destination. Then, I put my headphones back in and stare at my phone making what I think is an obvious sign that I’m done with this conversation. AND THEN HE KEEPS FUCKING TALKING TO ME.
This is where I start to get annoyed. If he’s so friendly, why doesn’t he talk to somebody else about their trip? And, as I suspected, he asked for my LinkedIn information later, just in case, you know, I got into any dicey situations in Mexico. Nice try. I have now returned to the States and the only situation that made me uneasy was this guy. As I said, I want to get to the point where I have no problem saying, “Hey, I’m busy and can’t multitask,” or better yet, “Hey, I want you to stop talking to me,” but the anxiety of hurting his feelings if he was just being nice or having to potentially deal with this person later on the plane, in customs, and in baggage claim kept me from laying down the law. If a person as outspoken as I am feels this anxiety, I know other girls do, too.
So if you don’t want to be a creep, learn the signs that she doesn’t want to talk to you:
– She goes back to whatever activity she was engaging in before, such as putting her headphones back in.
– She all of the sudden starts to get really busy, such as having an intense interest in her phone or reading material.
– She gives your questions very short responses and doesn’t ask you any/ doesn’t do any work to further the conversation
– She focuses her eyes anywhere but on you.
– She completely turns her body away from you.
If she’s engaging in one or more of these actions, let it go. She’s not interested.
3. Don’t get too familiar.
I’m talking about Sweetheart, Darlin’, Honey, Gorgeous, Baby, etc. If you’re a guy that’s a stranger, an acquaintance, or even a friend, calling me any term of endearment weirds me out. These are reserved for motherly figures or someone I’m dating. You may argue that you live in a part of the country where this is more common, but I’m not convinced that it’s actually wanted because I grew up in Texas, went to college in the SEC, and it still makes me cringe. If you still think it’s socially acceptable in your culture or geographic location, my advice is to ask five girls that you know (that will give you an honest answer) how they feel about it, and use that as a guideline.
And while we’re at it, don’t cross the line when addressing a girl by her name. When I’ve held jobs in the past where I’ve worn a name tag, I hated it when anyone would look at my name tag and then use my name like they had known me for years. I can also tell when a dude is using my name excessively to try to convince me we’re closer than we actually are. Watch it.
And for the love of Buddha, don’t you dare make sexual jokes, innuendos, or references towards a girl that you’re not dating and/or hasn’t made it 100% clear that she’s interested in this type of interaction.
4. Don’t stare.
I don’t care what she’s wearing – when you’re talking to her, your eyes better not drift down her body. There are plenty of opportunities to check someone out. Don’t do it when she’s standing right in front of you. And, goddamn, don’t keep staring. I was in a line recently when I noticed a dude staring at me every time I looked up. He even had his body turned to get the best view. So, I positioned myself behind someone else. He repositioned to be able to see me. I once again moved out of view. He once again repositioned. I felt the hatred building inside my chest because this dude was making me feel like I couldn’t escape, so I stared back at him with a look that said, “I will burn your fucking house down,” until he lost the staring contest and looked away. Mutual eye contact can be an indicator that a girl is into you, but this is only if the look on her face is inviting and friendly. If she avoids your gaze, quickly looks away, or gives you a death stare, shift your sightline elsewhere.
5. Don’t touch.
Personal space is important. Violating it is a typical creep move. Let’s say a girl is in your way. The best way to get her to move isn’t to grab her by her hips or the small of her back and caress her a few inches out of your path. Just ask her if you can get by. Girls are tricky because there are things that we’re cool with if we find somebody attractive that we’re not cool with if we don’t find someone attractive, and sometimes it can be difficult for a guy to know which category he falls into. Here’s a tip (disclaimer: this still may not be true for ALL girls): If she’s making a lot of flirtatious eye contact and is making it clear that she’s into you and/ or has already initiated physical contact with you, you can try a light touch. But (this is true for ALL girls) if she stiffens up, backs away, brushes your hand off, starts to be less friendly, or straight-up says, “Don’t touch me,” that means hands off, and don’t try to go further.
Like I said, good guys can be creepy without knowing it, and, of course, people of all genders and sexualities can cross the line. I’m writing this because it’s a conversation that we don’t have enough and don’t have with clarity. We need to do a better job of educating everyone about what is and isn’t consent and harassment and how to implement and respect boundaries. If you’re not sure, ask. If you’re not comfortable, speak up. And, if you’re engaging in the above behaviors, rework your game plan. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
hannahrose
Excuse me, but I've got some shit to say. @xohannahrozay on IG and Twitter.
@xohannahrozay
@xohannahrozay
People are fucking weirdos.
Literally.
People are fucking them.
Bizarre.
It’s truly bizarre.
Weirdos having intercourse.
People like haiku?
Girls actually text people “you can come over but please don’t try to fuck me?” That’s awkward enough damn
I’ve never come out and said it that bluntly, but (in my experience) it’s hard for some guys to realize that she may want to hang out with you without having sex, so you do sometimes have to lay things out this clearly.
Exactly! I’ve had guys who came over, and then when I didn’t want to have sex, they said “well why invite me over?”. It’s the worst thing in the world hearing.
I guess that’s more prevalent than i had previously thought
Can confirm. Have been on the receiving end of “you can come over but we aren’t going to have sex” text. In reality I just wanted to come over and play with the dog but I guess it was taken the wrong way.
She maybe needs to reconsider who she is inviting over.
Thank you. I agree with NorthernGrad, get to know a person first. Sure there are guys out there who are assholes and creeps, but guess what, there are women out there who are also overly aggressive and come off unwelcomed as well. There are a million guys out there who are honest, well intentioned, genuine guys who don’t act like that even unintentionally. Yet you’re painting a picture that in our society men as a whole have a problem doing this, when that is simply not true. And don’t get me wrong I will be the very first person to show up at some dude’s house who violated a female and beat him to shit, but our society continually conflates the exact things you list in your article and treats them with the same degree of disgust as rape. It’s not, and you’re doing a disservice to actual rape victims by making yourself a victim of victimless crimes.
This is how SAPR briefs happen
PostGraduateDolphin you’re a military dolphin??
Bromulus, I was a ROTC dolphin six weeks out from becoming a bootenant when a very poorly timed drunken misadventure put that on ice. I’m waiting on a waiver to enlist then in a couple years I’m gonna try to go enlisted to officer.
Gotcha, good luck man, and you are totally correct. This is why we have so many SAPR briefs (and can’t have nice things)
Thanks friend, much appreciated. Best of luck with the aviation pipeline
I had a dude come over and told him a minimum of 5 times we weren’t fucking before he came over. We started making out and then I stopped him and said again “we’re not fucking” and he promptly started swiping on tinder. Men ain’t shit.
The fuck?
In college a girl crashed in my bed and said no sex, so I went to sleep. Middle of the night, she initiates the sexy time. Girls are confusing at times.
Also, if a girl (or a guy!) has indicated she doesn’t want you to touch her, talk to her, or she just wants to be left alone, the appropriate response is not “Why are you being such a bitch?”
This. A female being assertive should not equal being bitchy.
Commenting twice on one article because this line bothered me so much – “It’s because, unfortunately, it’s sometimes less annoying to just let a guy fuck you and get it over with than to be harassed all night”. Sorry but this is just bullshit. I’m not fucking an annoying creep just because he won’t leave me alone and I don’t know any other girl who would. That’s the exact opposite of a normal reaction, which is to tell him to fuck off or just to leave the area yourself. Find a different bar or party but Jesus, don’t reward that terrible behavior.
To provide a different perspective, I’ve been in this situation before and made that call. It’s nearly impossible to predict what a guy’s reaction to rejection could be, especially when he’s been drinking or if you don’t know him well. I don’t think the author meant she takes home some creepy dude at the bar just to get him off her back. But it’s all too easy to find yourself in a situation alone with a guy you aren’t comfortable with who feels entitled to sleeping with you. Then you aren’t sure if you tell him to fuck off that he’ll actually fuck off OR potentially get angry and/or violent and put you in an unsafe situation. It’s not a reward for terrible behavior, but more of an instinctual survival tactic based on your read of the situation.
I disagree. I’ve definitely done this. Sure I could say no, but I’m also 5 foot tall, and what if he doesn’t take no for an answer?
I can think of a few times when I’ve crashed somewhere with a guy since I had no where else to go/ no safe way to get home and felt too uncomfortable or unsafe to say no. You never know how they will react
I think I found that line the most messed up in this whole article as well. What kind of lunacy leads one to “Its less annoying to just let a guy fuck you”? I guess if one is working in the escort/dancer business, but seriously…
I completely agree. I think that if you don’t want to have sex with someone, you should always tell them to fuck off. When I made this statement, I wasn’t necessarily referring to somebody who could easily be dismissed as an “annoying creep.” I was talking about a guy that you would have sex with in the future/ have had sex with in the past but just don’t want to fuck at the moment. As I said, if you don’t want to have sex with someone, you should always tell them to fuck off, but, personally, I have been in situations where I felt pressured to just let someone fuck me rather than suffer them continuously trying to, and I have other friends that have felt this same pressure. I’m not saying that it’s something that you should do, and I think you’re absolutely correct that when you let this happen, it reinforces the behavior. Also, I know people that have been in situations like the woman who commented above where they ended up in an uncomfortable situation, were unsure of how the guy would react if they reject him, and did not necessarily have a safe way to leave or get home. I think that, in addition to society’s failure to hold men to appropriate treatment of women, enforcing boundaries is something we’ve also not done a good job of teaching women and is something we need to improve on. I apologize if my words were interpreted to mean that this interaction is normal and acceptable, and I have reworded the article to reflect my personal experience rather than make a generalization.
Definitely, agree with Hannah. It’s critical that we hold dudes accountable when they cross clear lines, either that women draw themselves or are just generally considered unacceptable by society at large (see Matt Lauer and Louis CK). Most guys are not going to side with someone who knew what he was doing was clearly unwanted, and if they are not they should absolutely be held accountable for that.
However, guys are not mind readers. We don’t always know if you’re uncomfortable because of us, because you haven’t had sex in a while and are nervous, because you’re really attracted to us, or you just had three vodka-Red Bulls and are just amped up. Do NOT be afraid to clearly and emphatically say “no” to a guy whenever you are feeling uncomfortable. 90% of guys will stop. The other 10% deserve to get buried under the prison.
Totally empathize with your comment, 100% agreed that both men and women need to do better. However, if you look at the scenarios you listed above the potential risk in the case of a worst case scenario (ie: she ends up with the aforementioned 10% who deserve to get buried under the prison) is higher for a girl who clearly and emphatically says “no” than the risk for a guy to pick up on body language, stop doing whatever you’re doing for a second, and check if she’s still into it. Absolute worst case scenario in most cases she will think he’s weird for asking that, or she will reconsider and say no. I think that is why so much of the conversation around consent tends to put a majority of the burden on men because in most cases the natural power dynamic is shifted in their favor.
Louis CK had consent to masturbate in front of women. Is it creepy and weird? Yeah, but we all have different kinks and if it’s consensual, why are we chastising this dude?
Agreed. There’s the tea/consent video where they compare sex to drinking tea and they explain so clearly – “just because someone ‘drank tea’ with you one time does not ever mean they owe it to you to do it ever again. Does not matter if it’s a FWB situation or a boyfriend. If I don’t want to have sex with you then “no.” Should be enough.
I’m uncomfortable just reading this
We live in a very uncomfortable world.
Thank you for this. I see myself as a very assertive person, yet I encounter guys like this on a semi-regular basis. It’s part of the reason I stopped dating for a while, because a lot of the guys assumed that they were entitled to something more than just a date, and I was tired of feeling like the weirdo who wanted to take things a bit slower.
I’m sure Bill Nye will somehow get offended by this article.
Good work, Hannah – I initially thought this was written by CMV, which is the highest of compliments on this website.
I definitely did and I provided some feedback on it. I would submit a full response, but I doubt it’ll get published.
These are all things I did at some point in my formidable years. I make no excuses and offer sincere apologies, but know it wasn’t out of malice. I was just hella awkward and socially anxious (you all know my neuroses, multiply them by 10). Some guys are predatory, but sometimes guys are just so socially stupid they cannot read basic social cues.
I’m the exact opposite on the socially stupid scale. Instead of being the guy who couldn’t tell when a girl wasn’t into me, I wasn’t (still sometimes) able to tell when a girl was into me. I’ve had many a female friend come ‘wingman’ and get so mad when I can’t see I’m being flirted with.
Oh believe me, I’ve missed obvious signals in the past before as well. I’ve literally had female friends come up to me and say “you know she really likes you” and I’m oblivious.
Let me play the world tiniest violin for you sir :).
In case my violin comment was vague, here goes. Girls are flirting with you, I don’t me to be snarky CMCk11, that’s a good sign boss.
Some of these hit SO close to home. Trying to get a guy to stop talking to me at a party… he kept asking me questions about myself, to which I would give one word responses. He finally asked me if I had any questions for him, and I straight up said “No.” He looked a little taken aback, but still would not stop trying.
I once had a guy sit next to me on a Megabus, and he kept asking if I wanted a sip of the brown-bagged Hennessy he snuck on with him. I told him no and continued to lean on the window away from him, and he told me I could lean on him if I wanted. We got to a rest stop and he offered to buy me food, which I also declined. He finally goes “Well, I guess you have a boyfriend.” Because of course, the ONLY reason I wouldn’t be dying to talk to him is because I have a boyfriend.
Guys and girls, it’s time that we all just retract back into isolation and stay alone for like 10 more years. Go out and enjoy shit where people aren’t, like the desert, the woods, under the ocean, and Filene’s Basement. This will allow ample time for the herd to naturally thin out. Then once we all come back together, there will be so much less traffic everywhere and everyone will actually be excited to see each other in a non-creepy way
I’m also looking for a running mate for my 2020 Presidential Campaign under the Anti-People Party. Please leave your name below and Venmo me $5,000
I’ve got $9 and can guarantee you the Polynesian vote. See you in 2020, partner.