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Joseph A. Adams is a junior at Michigan State University. Joseph A. Adams also enjoys terrible jokes, and I know this because Joseph A. Adams created a dating resumé profile for himself that is probably the corniest thing I’ve ever read. It’s like someone made a love-child between the kid from high school who quoted Ace Ventura until 2005, that dude Daquan features all the time, and a literal stalk of corn. That’s how corny this dude actually is.
Before I show you this resumé and burn it to the ground, allow me to set the scene. After getting turned down in a Michigan State cafeteria (what is this college junior still doing eating in cafeterias?), he was jokingly asked by the same girl for a “dating resumé.” Now, this girl was probably not only kidding, but most likely making fun of him. So what did this cheesy Spartan do? He went home and actually made a fucking dating resumé.
This is what he came up with.
Dammit, Joseph. Damn it all to hell. Let’s discuss this piece by piece.
His photo.
Because the only copy of this resumé I could get my hands on was grainy, please bear with me. But this is the photo he used.
The fact that the best part of this photo is the llama speaks volumes for truly how shitty this photo is. Unless you’re Bill Clinton, people need to stop giving “thumbs up” in photos. That’s his move and his move only. And unless you want a girl who considers you to be a complete cheesedick, you need to wipe that smile off your face and get your chill together.
His headline.
Obviously, he leads with his name because that’s what resumés do. But then he gives a one clause synopsis of himself.
“Lover of breakfast foods” obviously comes from his love for Parks & Rec which is pretty much the most stereotypical show you can rep if you’re a corny dude. We get it; you like Ron Swanson. And don’t bring puppies into the equation unless you actually have a photo of a damn puppy. Everyone likes puppies, Joseph. The point of a resumé is to set yourself apart, not blend in with every single other sane person in the world who loves puppies.
His objective.
…which goes as follows:
To find a honey with a rockin’ family who enjoys sushi, adventures, and good movies.
Stop trying to be the nice guy, Joe. You know that every single girl your age with a dating profile says that they like sushi (you’re not college-rich if you aren’t eating sushi on Fridays), adventure (#wanderlust), and good movies (fucking duh, Joe). This was low-hanging fruit and you picked it.
His “moderately interesting.”
I’m not going to strain your eyes with his blurry list, so I’ll spell out every aspect of his life that makes him “moderately interesting.”
Makes great small-talk w/parents
Drives in style via ’09 Honda Civic
Has never lost a Snapchat streak
@NotJoeyAdams/@Dexter.Adams 1000+ followers on both accounts
No Tinder Record because I don’t objectify women for the sake of “getting tail”
Where the hell do I start. Okay, Joe. Let’s just knock this out item by item. Most dads hate small talk, you should’ve never included the Honda Civic, you’re probably wildly annoying on Snapchat if you have that many streaks, and boasting 1,000+ followers on all social media is more punchable than your smile in the llama photo.
But the worst of all? Your Tinder bit. While I’m nowhere near the 21 years of age Joe is, I’m fairly sure I have a strong grasp on all dating apps. And call me crazy here, but isn’t being on Tinder slightly less creepy than spending hours on end crafting a digital resumé for a girl who turned you down in a cafeteria?
His skills.
And just when you think things can’t get worse, they… they just do.
I’m just going to get this out of the way because it’s possibly the only thing I agree with in Joe’s entire life, but crying during Marley & Me is completely acceptable. If you aren’t crying at least once during that film, you’re a heartless maniac. But back to hating Joe with the fiery passion of a thousand crab rangoons.
First of all, Joe, who puts roller blading on their resumé if they suck as much as you do at it? It looks like you’re at about 20% on your scale which means you flat out suck. Most girls are looking for an Adam Banks in the streets, Dean Portman in the sheets. Furthermore, “acting like a dad in public” pretty much confirms that you have the exact sense of humor of Trey Kennedy. Or worse, someone who thinks Trey Kennedy is funny. And finally, the only long text you’ll probably be getting is from Cafeteria Girl explaining to you that you just won’t work out because you friend-zoned yourself from day one when she only dated you because you wasted time on a fucking resumé that went viral and forced her to accept a date.
His favorites.
The 2000s called, Joe. They want their digestible media back.
Individually, these are all fine and acceptable. But if you’re going to define yourself by three forms of media and three forms only, you need to at least include a movie that doesn’t fall into the director’s middle tier of movies.
His time.
Here we go.
Okay. Any college student who spends most of their time on their “academic grind” is officially the worst. I’m not going to rain on your religious function parade because that would just be wrong, but I will rain on the fact that you FaceTime with your mom as much as you do. Like, that’s a major chunk of time, dude. You need to find other distractions and make it a few-times-a-week thing. Not just for you, but for the girl you struck out with in the cafeteria.
Moreover, we get it, man – you like adventures. This makes you sound incredibly basic and you really need to better define your hobbies.
And finally, the fact that you run your dog’s social media accounts is probably the least surprising thing throughout this entire resumé. The fact that you had to clarify “this isn’t a joke” means that you need to remove that hobby from your entire life. If you fear people will think part of your life is an actual joke, you need to reassess that specific part of your life.
No word on whether or not this resumé actually worked or whether he’s sitting in his dorm room listening to a “bomb” Killers playlist while shooting off thousand-word texts.
[via Bustle]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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While the text reads like someone who has never touched a boob, the design element is legit at least.
(Also, I’m still pretty sure that “adventure time” is a euphemism for masturbating)
Going back to the “never touched a boob” thing, he probably means the cartoon.
it’s made using enhancv FYI — i use it and have had great feedback on it from employers and interviewers
I mean…. shooters shoot?
This guy is obviously a complete clown, but let’s not speak ill of Inglorious Bastards. Great film.
You know, Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece.
Not knowing what a “streak” is on Snapchat. PGP
Honors college and a 3.5 in chemical engineering? No one should be shocked this kid took the time to do this.
Dissecting Dating Resumes could exceed Insufferable Marriage Announcements in popularity if this kid isn’t the only person out there doing this shit.
Could this kid actually be more beta than Will?
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves
Everyone likes puppies except for Duda.
If Duda still went to Michigan State, he’d punch this guy in the face.
I’d talk as much trash as I could to his face without starting an actual fight and then go home and roast him on twitter
Cheesedick is an underrated term.
Called a kid cheesedick throughout college and he claimed he did stupid things “to live up to his name”
I appreciate his time to Religious Functions, but I’m curious as to what those functions are.