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As we exit, arguably, the holiest days of the year, it’s a wonderful time to reflect. To reflect on the blessings we have, the friendships we’ve made, and the obstacles we’ve overcome. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and all of our Catholic friends are using this joyous springtime as yet another excuse to make us feel like shit.
Now, I grew up Presbyterian, which is one of the lesser aggressive forms of Christianity. Like, they play funky music sometimes and occasionally have danishes after. For the most part, however, the foundations were the same. I had my first communion, I went to Sunday school every week until like, 9th grade, and I knew all of the religious meanings behind the holidays Americans use as an excuse to get different shaped Reese’s (seriously though, the eggs are the best. Pumped for these after-Easter sales). And while I don’t mean to poke fun at my Catholic friends, after getting drunk with one last weekend and going over every bullshit thing she’s ever said to me, I think it’s time to turn the tables. As the great John Mulaney says, “For those of you that aren’t Catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you.”
I’m Not Baptized
Now, when I was born, my mother and father, who both grew up Catholic, decided that they wanted to do something a little different. They decided that if, when I was older, I wanted to be baptized, that should be my choice. My decision. My own declaration of my relationship with God. Naturally, I never did it. Sure, I went through a youth group phase in middle school/early high school, but that was more as a place to flirt with boys than anything.
Still, after getting into a discussion with my friends, I was told that that was just about the worst thing my parents could have ever done for me. You see, if I died as a baby, that would have been it. God wouldn’t have been like, “this little creature can’t even go a few hours without shitting herself, I’ll just let her come hang in heaven with me,” apparently he would have been like, “to hell, you annoying little monster.” Or at least, to Limbo. So, naturally, my friends all have to chug a shitton of holy water before hanging out with me. Good thing I’m worth it. *hair flip*
I Don’t Get To Confess, So I Have To Be An Actual Good Person
As my friends describe it, they can “do anything, and as long as they confess, they’re fine.” Which is totally what I imagine that whole idea was created for. Still, the only hope I have of at least getting into Limbo (at best), is to be an actual good person. Which, I’m sure everyone can agree, is not looking too promising for me.
So, I’m Going To Hell, Obviously
I mean, between the not going to confession, not being baptized, not “actually” taking communion (because I guess in my church, I was just eating some bread, but in Catholic mass it actually turns into a body and blood, which is some Harry Potter ass shit if I’ve ever heard of it), there’s like a 0.0001% chance that there’s not a one-way ticket to hell with my name on it.
Or At Least Limbo
Again, again, I realize this is an outdated concept that was actually only really used in reference to babies until Dante made it into a bigger thing, but STILL. If it was between hell and limbo, I’d like to think I’d get the painfully normal in-between place. I’d just sit in this fenced-in area with a camping chair, some saltines, and a jug of lukewarm water and watch all of the fun shit happening in heaven. BUT if I turned my chair around (why would I?), I could see all of the shit going down in hell, and at least be like, “Thank God that’s not me. Wait. Fuck. I just said “God.” Does that count as using the Lord’s name in vain? Shit. Sorry, God! Can I come in now?”
I Did Communion At My Grandpa’s Funeral
So, like. Okay. Maybe this one was bad. But my grandparents are Catholic (because, of course, they are), and at my grandpa’s funeral (complete with a full mass), I was the only grandchild who couldn’t “technically” take communion. So, I sat there and thought about whether or not my grandpa would have cared if I tried something I had never done before, and I figured he wouldn’t. So, I got in line, drank from the germ-filled cup, and got my wafer snack. Was it wrong of me? Maybe. But also, the cracker wasn’t even that good so…
And I Was Maid Of Honor In My Best Friend’s Catholic Wedding
Again, this was something that I guess isn’t totally kosher in the Catholic church. A week before my best friend’s wedding, she sent me an urgent text saying that I needed to pretend to be Catholic because I guess the head people have to be “of faith” to have the ceremony in the church. You know, my Catholic friend told me to lie about being Catholic during one of the holiest Catholic ceremonies. It’s not even my fault I’m going to hell at this point.
The Ashes, The Rosaries, And The Crucifixes
Ash Wednesday? You bet your ass all of my friends head into church just so they can Snapchat the ashes on their foreheads. And you can spot rosaries hanging from all of their rearview mirrors. Plus, it’s an absolute fact that all of them, male and female, have crucifix necklaces that their grandmothers gave them. It literally means nothing to basically all of my friends other than a point of pride, like wearing Greek letters or a Members Only jacket. Still, being born on the inside of the club seems to be something they’re all hella pleased with themselves for.
Their Religion Is “Super Old”
Again, I’m not sure if my friends realize that other forms of Christianity are the same “religion” (and like, Judaism is way older) but at this point, I’ve given up arguing. None of them can tell me how old, exactly their religion is, but they assure me, it’s old.
They Have Beautiful Churches
Granted, Catholic churches are among the most gorgeous structures in the world. When you go to Europe (someplace I’ve been once, but like to act like I’m totally seasoned), you could spend your entire trip quietly walking into cathedrals, muttering an Owen Wilson-esk “wow” to yourself before walking out and doing it again and again and again. When I tried to tell my friend that other Christians have churches too, she said, “You practice religion in a Superdome or something.” So, you know. There’s that.
Again With The Hell Thing
But if we’re being honest? This isn’t like, thaaaaat much of a surprise to me. Between the sex out of wedlock, living with a boyfriend, and taking the Lord’s name in vain every GD day, I booked my ticket a long time ago.
Honestly? They’re Just Better Than I Am
What it all comes down to is this: It doesn’t matter that my friends don’t really practice their religion. It doesn’t matter that the same friend who told me I’m the devil for taking communion at my grandpa’s funeral isn’t having a Catholic wedding because “it’s too long.” Hell, it doesn’t even matter that they haven’t been to mass in years but lie to their parents about it. Because at the end of the day the truth is, I’m not as good as my Catholic friends, and for that, I absolutely have my devil-loving parents to blame. Sure, I think saying that breaks one of The Ten Commandments but at this point, does it even matter?.
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
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If these people are serious, they’re trash. I guarantee half of them are Chreasters and haven’t been to confession in 5 years. Practice what you preach or save that shit.
CEO – Christmas Easter Only
My family has lapsed into Funeral & Wedding Catholicism, but my Methodist future in-laws dragged us to a two hour midnight Christmas concert service this year. Why do people do this to themselves?
Catholic funerals are such a beating. Thanks for the generic sermon instead of actually remembering and honoring the person in question
What Catholic funerals have you been to? That’s not how any have operated that I’ve attended.
Just had my brother pass away and we did a Catholic funeral. I gave the eulogy. Pretty sure it didn’t matter what type of church we were standing in. Spongebob jokes carry in all of them.
I’m really sorry to hear that, but it sounds like you had a good service to remember and honor him.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m guessing it also depends on how well the priest knew the deceased also. If they didn’t attend church often the priest would really only know whatever insights they can learn from the family. And they probably don’t want to interrogate the family before the funeral.
When my friend passed away they had a catholic service and the speaker/father/priest/whatever literally had no clue who she was or apparently cared to learn. It was worse than generic.
In my experience it varies a lot based upon the priest. The guy in our parish when I was a younger kid was awesome. Then he retired and we got a bitter, mean-spirited, bible-beater. That really put me off the church. When my brother died a couple months ago I didn’t know what to expect from the new priest, but he was very kind and tried his very best to learn more about him and provide personal insights.
As a Catholic, I really don’t give a fuck, lol
Also Catholic, also don’t give a fuck what other people do. Your friends need to calm down.
Gonna put myself in this corner as well. Sounds like your friends need to chill out.
Also, perks of being Catholic, we love to drink. So we have that going for us.
My Catholic friends are some of the rowdiest/raunchiest people I know. That’s a fact.
In reference to the stuff your friends are whining about.
^^^ second this.
Coming from a Catholic growing up in the South, I’ve been told NUMEROUS times I’m going to Hell because I “worship” Mary. Also, I live “out of wedlock” and last time I went to confession was 15+ years ago, so looks like I’m fucked, too! Your Catholic friends are just bitches.
as a fellow Catholic who also grew up in the south (although the city I grew up has a high percentage of Catholics), I was also told a few times by my protestant “friends” that I was going to hell and I worship statutes and shit.
My “friends” in middle school were all Protestant. They wrote me a note telling me they couldn’t hang out with me anymore because I wasn’t a Christian… good times.
Any chance you grew up in a suburb of Atlanta?
nope, just outside New Orleans. Protestants are the minority here, but I knew a few of them. Hopefully those people have grown up since then. The two who said I was going to hell also weren’t allowed to celebrate Halloween or Mardi Gras (they’re families were clearly living in the wrong city). New Orleans is not the ideal place for non-open minded Prostestants.
I was probably in the third or fourth grade when I realized that there were people who weren’t Catholic. Catholic school can be a real bubble when you’re a kid I guess.
I attended public school up until high school, but did go to catechism classes. Growing up, I also didn’t realize there were other people who weren’t Catholic. I thought if you weren’t Catholic then you were Jewish. I’d say around 4th or 5th grade was when I realized there were other non-Catholic Christians.
“It doesn’t matter that the same friend who told me I’m the devil for taking communion at my grandpa’s funeral isn’t having a Catholic wedding because ‘it’s too long.’ ” This is the most Catholic-y sentence I’ve ever seen. Good stuff.
Confession is so clutch
Well aware this is mostly a tongue in cheek article, but reminded of my favorite quote on religion
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.“
The problem, of course, is your “good life” is pathetically insufficient for salvation according to Christian theology.
As a former Catholic, I love this quote!
Are you going to give credit? Who said this?
Marcus Aurelius
Actually catholic here … I think the family gets a free pass for communion at funerals. I’ve seen it done where even the priest knows the adult children aren’t practicing but gives them communion because “it looks better” and it was a tragic situation. And that’s crazy on the maid of honor thing …
Signed a decent catholic who always has a drink in my hand
But typically those non-practicing adults were at least baptized and received the sacraments growing up. While both wrong, there is a major difference between a non-practicing Catholic receiving communion without first receiving confession and a non-Catholic receiving communion.
Just got married in the Catholic church and my priest is a stickler for the rules. They do not ask whether or not the MOH/BM is Catholic. Maybe she thought it would make the priest feel better but it’s not a requirement. My groom wasn’t even Catholic. He was baptized (as a Protestant during his teenage years) and promised he wouldn’t hider me in raising our children Catholic. That’s good enough for the Church.
Tell that to my Latina ex. Told here the same on raising future kids. She still wanted me to convert.
Survived a weekend ceremony as probably the only non-catholic in the Church, half the service was spent in the dark with people chanting reprises over candlelight, I felt like I was in True Detective, strange crowd
that’s pretty impressive if you survived the Vigil mass. That’s generally seasoned Catholics only!
I’m not sure what I just read. Many of these things Catholics don’t actually believe or think.