Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Fitting In

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22 year old John: Oh man, first day at my brand new job. I definitely need to take this opportunity to make a memorable first impression.
28 year old JR: Great, it’s the first day of my third job. I’ve been doing this long enough that I’m sure it’s cool if I show up at 10AM. Eh 10:30.

John: Gotta wear a fresh button up and a pair of chinos to the office everyday. You know what they say, dress for the job you want!
JR: I hope nobody notices that I really only wear the same five shirts and two pairs of pants. Actually who cares.

John: “What kind of music do I listen to? Pretty much everything, what do YOU listen to?”
JR: Oh you’re one of those “I knew them before they were big” people. Go fuck yourself.

John: Bro, that game last night was incredible! Let’s offer the same mediocre takes on the fourth quarter for 23 agonizing minutes while everybody is forced to listen to us.
JR: “Sorry not a sports fan. I’m a big jigsaw puzzle guy.” (pops in ear buds playing sports talk radio)

John: “Even though I brought my lunch I’d love to join you guys!” I don’t want to end up as the Steven Glansberg of the office.
JR: “Pass – I spent too much money at the grocery store this week.” Brown baggin’ it at my desk, son.

John: “Sure, I’d love to come to your birthday dinner on Friday!”
JR: I’ll pass on awkwardly eating next to your college roommate’s boyfriend and then getting screwed when its time to pay the bill.

John: The key is to butter up the other 22 year old new hire so you can hang with her and her friends on the weekends…
JR: The Capital R Roommate’s mother is in town this weekend. I’ll probably spend Saturday following them in and out of every store in the city while my battery dies from staring at Twitter.

John: Gotta make sure I know everybody’s name by the end of the first week!
JR: I’ve sat in front of this girl for a year and couldn’t guess her name if you held a gun to my head. And she brings that stupid dog in everyday.

John: Oh shoot, I had plans for this weekend but I can definitely cancel them to hang out! It’s important that we’re friendly outside of work.
JR: Sorry, I’m not accepting auditions for any new friends. I’ve got three I see every year at Christmas and even that’s too much.

John: “Sure I can do happy hour! Oh you can’t leave until 8? OK I’ll stick around the office until you’re ready…”
JR: “Sorry I have a dinner I have to leave early for…” I know what I said about the grocery store earlier but I’ve made myself just forgettable enough for them not to remember.

John: The boss keeps stressing office culture being important, even though he never comes to anything after hours. But that’s cool, I get where he’s coming from.
JR: The second he leaves for the day I’m one step behind him. I dare him to call me on it.

John: I love getting closer to the ones I spend so much of my day around! You guys are like my second family.
JR: I don’t want to spend a single second longer with you people than I have to.

John: The most important thing is that everybody I work with accepts me and treats me with the respect that I deserve.
JR: I’m just doing enough to get by. Doesn’t matter what people think of me..

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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