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22-year-old John: Friday night! Can’t wait to get a good long lift in at the gym.
28-year-old JR: I guess I’ll go tonight. I generally despise everyone and nobody’s there on a Friday.
John: Takes 30 minute El ride into the Loop to go to a “sports club.”
JR: Walks one block to neighborhood gym.
John: Perfect, my lifting partner Oak is here! I love that big motherfucker — he always pushes my limits.
JR: Oh no, that weird German guy is here. He always works out in jeans and asks me to spot him.
John: Gotta warm up the engine! A brisk two-mile run on the treadmill should do the trick.
JR: One mile. And not fast enough where I can’t text.
John: Now some deep hip and back stretches that Oak can help me with. I’m all about maintaining flexibility while at the same time increasing strength.
JR: I guess I loosened my muscles up when I ran.
John: “Oh dude, I love this song! They always play the best music on Friday nights.”
JR: Why haven’t I made a workout playlist on my Spotify? I guess now’s as good a time as any to start one.
John: Alright, today’s chest, back, and abs day. I’ll hit each muscle area with three different exercises. I should probably superset too since it’s all about muscle confusion.
JR: I’m just going to walk around the gym in circles until I find a machine that’s both unoccupied and looks easy.
John: I’ve been tracking my lifting progress in my phone and I’ve made some huge gains these past three weeks!
JR: Zero idea what weight I should start with. 40 sounds heavy.
John: “7, 8, 9, 10! I think I can push through and do two more! Spot me, Oak.”
JR: What number was I on again? Eh it feels like I almost did ten.
John: “Bro, did you see the girl’s ass over there on the elliptical? Don’t stare! Find some sort of excuse to walk by her!”
JR: I think that chick used to be a man. I’m not transphobic, I’ve just never seen shoulders like that on a woman.
John: Last thing we need to do is attack that core. Let’s get on the ground and do some planks!
JR: lies down on ground
John: The best way to cool down after a two-hour workout is a couple games of HORSE. Loser buys dinner!
JR: The best way to cool down after a 38-minute workout is to sit on the ground and look at Instagram. Then order dinner from GrubHub.
John: Better hit the steam room and sauna to really detox before the weekend. Then it’s cold shower time and Oak and I will hit up some late-night dinner.
JR: Leaves gym in the middle of his third-to-last set
John: This protein shake is so good, tastes like chocolate milk.
JR: This whiskey is so good, tastes like whiskey.
The next morning
John: Man, I’m sore! Better get my workout in early today so I have the remainder of the weekend for rest and recovery.
JR: Man, I’m hungover. Guess I’m not going to the gym again anytime soon..
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Anyone ever done this before:
You take the time to drive to the gym, park, and then sit in your car for a few minutes and decide that today just isn’t the day and then just drive back home.
I’ve always wondered why people don’t walk, bike, or jog to the gym. You’re after a workout, right?
Screw you man
ive always wondered why humans even have to waste time working out but then I realized that the rulers of the world have Basicslly enslaved us in sedentary lifestyles in order to slowly kill the majority of the population without raising eyebrows. But that’s just me
I’d guess distance is the biggest factor? My gym is 8 miles away. Not gonna be jogging that and working out after.
Jogging 2 miles is my work out. That’s it, the end.
If I ran 2 miles before working out now I would most likely need the defibrillator.
Oak is a gym grunter, isn’t he.
He takes gym selfies with hashtags like #beast #fitfam #picoftheday #swole #ripped
My routine is what sucks. I’ll go 5 times one week and then only once the next, totally erasing everything I did the week prior.
Went to the gym yesterday, still sore from Monday’s workout. None of my gym buddies were there, so I gave a halfassed workout for about half an hour and left to go drink beer. I may have a motivation problem.
The only reason I go to the gym anymore is if I go traffic dies down and the commute home is bearable.
This
There’s a button for that
At 28 I was your 22. At 30 I was closer to your 28. Happened in a hurry for me. Thanks knee surgery.
I’ve been saying I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow for about 2 months now.
Then you have the at home work out videos. Pop one of those in…do about 10-15 min, text, drink some water and end up sitting on your ass watching the rest of the video. Solid sweaty workout.
Gyms are terrible. I haven’t been in one since I had to be for my college sports training. Find a hobby or sport you enjoy playing and get your exercise that way. Or adopt a dog and take it on walks/hikes. Or buy a lake house and swim. Or take out that bike your parents bought you before college and go ride it.
Lifting weights is just plain silly to me at this point. Do some basic stretching and some basic work with a kettle ball and you’ll be fine.
You want me to go buy a lake house so I can swim?
If I buy a lake house, I will not be swimming, I’ll be drinking.
“Buy a lake house” yea, cause I’m for sure not in a financial state where I have to think twice about adding the guac.
I’d rather the muscle I spent building for the past 10 years not turn to fat, so yeah.
Go ahead and sit the next few plays out buddy. You’re at -45 currently from the “meh” button for your previous comment and now this.
You clearly haven’t noticed that I’m really not interested in getting a reach around from anyone here. Groupthink is something I happily don’t engage in.