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21-year-old John: No Friday classes this semester, so it’s a three-day weekend! Let’s do this.
28-year-old JR: I guess I can stop off for a few pops.
John: I really like a bar that doesn’t have any windows. Really makes the time fly by!
JR: 3.5 stars on Yelp and half a mile from my place? I’ll give it a whirl.
John: Ooh, look they have fishbowls here. Let’s get the one with the different colored Swedish Fish in it!
JR: These cocktails look too sugary for me. “I’ll probably just get a Tito’s soda… don’t forget the lemon!”
John: “Light beers on special? We’ll take a half dozen of those.”
JR: “On second thought, do you have any pilsners? I don’t want anything too hoppy. Oh, and a water too? Sorry…”
John: I’m not feeling this beer; I think I’m going to switch to tequila.
JR: You know what they say- beer before liquor, never been sicker. My dad taught me that.
John: “This song is fucking awesome! When I get home I’m going to YouTube how to Dougie.”
JR: “I just wish we could go to a bar where we can hear each other talk.”
John: “Yeah keep it open.”
JR: “Close it.”
John: “Oh, and a shot of Jaymo too. Thanks!”
JR: “Can I get that water too? So sorry…”
John: “What type of bomb should we do? Vegas bomb? Irish car bomb?!”
JR: “When I was in Ireland I learned ordering a ‘car bomb’ is very offensive. It’d be like them coming here and trying to order a ‘9/11’.”
John: “Shots? Who’s doin’ shots? Let’s get a round of shots!”
JR: “Yeah I just got a cortisone shot earlier this week. It’s really done wonders for my bad hip.”
John: Now that I’m more than a few in, I’m going to go over to that group of Midwest 6s and try to FIND OUT.
JR: The Capital R is not going to be happy I’m coming home smelling like booze. I promised her we’d do some online shopping for the new place tonight.
John: “I’m going to grab us another round! What does everybody want?”
JR: “Can I get another water please? Sorry…”
John: I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette or two tonight.
JR: “Does anybody have any of their ‘medicine’ on them that I could sample?”
John: One last drink should do it! “Can you make a Long Island Iced Tea?”
JR: I’m falling asleep. “Can I get an Arny Palmie? Oh and another water. Sorry…”
John: “Dude, I don’t think I can drive home. Is it cool if I crash on your couch?”
JR: “I’m grabbing an Uber and getting the fuck out of here.”
*Upon arriving home*
John: pops open laptop (for porn)
JR: pops open bottle of Ibuprofen (for headaches)
*The next morning*
John: “Where we going tonight?!”
JR: I think I’m going to take a few weeks off drinking..
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
21: Start pre-gaming at 9 with a few beers, at the bar by 10.
26: Start pre-gaming at 9 with a few beers, in bed at 10.
In bed by 10 and still waking up with a stomach ache the next morning
Knowing that no matter how many waters you order at the bar, it’s inevitable you’ll wake up the next morning feeling like you got hit in the face with a stapler
I’ve had a stapler thrown at me before. Definitely would pick that over a bad hangover.
I still pop open porn when I get back from drinking.
The Irish Car Bomb thing is legit do not order that in another country. Same with a Black and Tan.
How is a Black and Tan racist?
Black and Tan refers to the uniform of a force created to fight IRA. They became known for destroying civilian property and attacking civilians. My Uncle explained it to me (he’s Irish) a couple years ago and I just Wikipedia’d it now for a refresher.
Yeah I believe they call them half-and-halfs or something along those lines.
What would you order if you want that drink?
Called “Depth Charges” in GB
This title was too real to open up today when I’ve been struggling all morning. I had drinks, but I didn’t even get for-real drunk. Getting old sucks.
21: Hm, drinking might make jogging to the gym tomorrow slightly less easy. Oh well!
29: Drinking helps me not feel my bad back that prevents any and all physical activity
Haven’t you learned that no one gives a shit what’s offensive to Irish people? They’re too high up the privilege totem pole. /SJW
I was always under the impression that Irish didn’t didn’t give a fuck about anything. Otherwise they’d be pretty pissed about the “cultural appropriation” that happens every March.
It’s cool, we’ll just forget about the fact that the English cut down all the trees on the island for their resource needs, starved us to death, and made us serfs on their feudal lands where we hand no rights to own property or vote. Well also forget about living in ghettos in America and being treated like garbage here too. Can you blame us for starting the IRA and all the Irish American gangs? At least Whitey Bulger had the decency to only sell fun drugs like cocaine and stay away from the downers like heroin.
Huh. I always thought you were Indian but I just realized your username is your name spelled backwards.
Well my mind is now blown.
Haha. I’m like 2% Black Foot Native American if that means anything anymore.
I meant like East Indian. Nived is a Hindu name.
I’d probably be getting paid a lot more that I am now at some cool tech company in Silicon Valley.
Okay, thanks
Do the downvoters not see the clear sarcasm in the post?
I do but I just felt like typing my frustrations about my Irish luck. Also, if you’re going to order a 9/11, make sure they leave out the jet fuel and add the thermite.
9/11 bombs can’t melt steel intestines.
I think this is my favorite comment on anything.