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Lately, it seems like I can’t go online without hearing about another story of something “millennials are killing.” While I realize this is just a click-bait headline to hide the truth that industries come and go in our capitalist society based on their own worth, it’s getting real old to hear about.
More importantly, however, the things we’re supposedly killing are not even the right products. Here’s the real list of trends, products, and industries that we should be taking out back and shooting.
Taxis
Guys. We’ve been fighting this fight for years now. With Uber, Lyft, and whatever other shitty rideshare apps Austin had to deal with when they banned Uber, how are taxis still a thing? I know a lot of it is political and Big Taxi throwing its weight around or whatever, but really? Who’s still using cabs enough so that they’re still everywhere? The only time I flag one down is when I leave a bar at last call and am too drunk to work my phone.
…so, I guess pretty often, now that I think about it.
Fine, I need to do better. We all need to do better. I’m tired of having a surly man try and overcharge me, take the long way, and lie to me about his credit card machine being broken after we get to my destination. Instead, let’s all commit to riding in clean cars with normal people driving them.
Gourmet Pizzas
I love pizzas. You love pizzas. Everyone loves pizzas. They’re arguably the most consistently good food available, until recently. Why the fuck are “artisanal” gourmet pizza places popping up everywhere? Pizza is great because it’s simple. Tomato sauce. Cheese. Twelve acceptable toppings (and yes, I’m including pineapple and ham in there, fight me).
Why are people ruining it by making it fancy, expensive, and not as good? No pizza should have any kind of leafy green on it. No kale, no arugula, and definitely not any fucking broccoli. Pizza is perfect already. Stop trying to ruin it and drive the price up for no reason. I’m reaching out to all millennials help with boycotting this monstrous fad.
Fad Diets
Speaking of fads, this might be one of the worst. Any diet that drastically changes what you eat for a month isn’t going to work. I’m looking at you Whole 30. Yes, a large part of my hate comes from the fact that this diet almost ruined my relationship, but most of my hate just comes from the fact that they don’t work over the long term. For actual health and weight loss, find a reasonable diet that’s possible to stick to, AKA one that lets you drink and eat the occasional carb. Even if you manage to get through a fad diet for a month, after that you’re going to let completely loose and end up in the same place, or worse shape, than you started. Eat lean, go to the gym, and do your research.
Open Container Laws
How do these still exist? It’s 2017, and this is the greatest country on earth (albeit in a slight decline since last November), and I should be able to get my booze on wherever I damn well please. As long as I’m not bothering anyone or breaking any other laws, why shouldn’t I be able to pregame as I take a sunny stroll to the bar? Why should I be forced to slam my drink every time the crew changes bars? If I could just bring that beer with me on the walk, it would actually make me less drunk than forcing me to chug a double IPA THAT I LITERALLY JUST BOUGHT GUYS, GIVE ME TEN MINUTES, FUCK.
Furthermore, let me drink in the car. Not as the driver, obviously, drinking and driving is always the worst idea, but as a passenger. Road trips are boring as fuck without some roadies to keep you company. I mean, I’m still drinking them, but I’d like to put the driver’s mind at ease by ensuring he couldn’t get a ticket due to my love of cheap beer and my lack of patience. I think if we as a generation got off our collective ass and started a petition, we could get this legislation changed by this year. Of course, that would involve y’all actually voting, so that’s probably a pipe dream.
Avocado Toast
I know we’re the ones responsible for this, but enough is enough. We brought this overpriced garbage into the world, it’s our duty to take it out. Look, avocados are tight. They’re a great source of protein, healthy fats, and whatever else avocado farmers are trying to tell us.
Toast. Also solid. A great vessel for many delicious spreads. Together, they’re not bad. Sure, they’re not good, but they’re not bad. But for $16 goddamn dollars that avocado better give me an extra IQ point for every time I ate it, which it wouldn’t do, because then I’d get too smart to stop paying $16 goddamn dollars for such an average meal. Plus, it’s driving avocado prices up on things I actually want it on, like Chipotle. Let’s go back to real brunch offerings like French toast, scrambles, and bacon.
I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg of things we should be killing, so let me know what I missed. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Need to kill the 5 day, 40+ hour workday
I’ll settle for wearing whatever you want in the office within reason instead of business casual that only my coworkers will see me in.
I actually like business casual. I can tell a bunch of my coworkers are total slobs and I don’t want to see what they consider “appropriate” attire.
We need to kill offices, cemeteries, the fractional reserve banking system, the 45 hour work week, the 3rd dimension, religion, politics, the insurance industry, paying for utilities, monopolies, middlemen, @thevaginator and his retarded thoughts put into digital words on this platform
I actually agree with a lot of these in a non satirical sense. You should run for office Devin.
No open container law in Missouri, just saying.
Nice work but Missouri isn’t a real state
Except when the uber driver tells us we can’t bring drinks in their cars. The worst.
The great state of Tennessee lets passenger drink
Let’s add Trump jokes to that list too
I would be ecstatic if we were able to kill the word cuck, as it’s commonly used now.
This times a thousand. It’s the absolute worst.
Drinking in the car as a passenger (AKA, car bar) is the absolute best. Back in the day we would try to chug a full beer when passing through tunnels. Okay, we still do that…
I know it wasn’t much but can we leave politics out of articles on here? We are surrounded by it everywhere you look in life and I personally don’t want to see if when I am trying to mindlessly waste a little time while at work. However I did enjoy the article as well as most of the ones you have written on PGP.
Ignore it and move on with your day, it’s that simple.
I concur
Taxis are still pretty useful in NYC. Surge pricing gets out of control when it rains and usually it’s still pretty easy to grab a cab in a storm that can save you without suffering a $40 uber charge. And sometimes when you’re out till 4 the phone dies and a yellow cab saves you from the middle of the night subway disaster.
I’ve been on a hot streak with the NQR lately. Some say it’s the new 456.
It’s time for Real Estate agents to go the way of travel agents and the dinosaurs. When I bought a house, I went into his office, browsed listings on the internet from a projector screen and picked out the one I wanted. I could have done the same from my couch and saves a ton of money. Guy got thousands of my dollars and did about 3 hours worth of work for me. Time for the internet to kill real estate agents.
On one hand, I like the idea of being able to take a beer in a to-go cup.
On the other hand, I’ve been to Bourbon Street and I have seen firsthand what carnage can occur when open container laws are relaxed.
So I’m conflicted.