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“Omg,” she typed. “This is sooooooo embarrassing. Lolololololol.”
After sharing the photo with Caroline through Instagram, she couldn’t help but sit and make fun of everything about. The terrible styling. The grotesque filter. The chalkboard that said their November wedding date. The fucking caption. “No one uses that many emojis in captions anymore,” she thought before checking back to see if Caroline had viewed her message yet.
Three minutes gone and still no sign that Caroline had checked Instagram, she couldn’t help but continue to skewer the photo her long-lost friend had posted. They hadn’t spoken since college, and if her wedding was going to be anything like the photo she just posted, it was going to be tacky enough to miss. “Or perhaps go and just make fun of the entire time in my head,” she laughed to herself.
Moments later, her phone let up. “Yasss, Caroline saw it toooo,” ran through her head before she saw Caroline’s response. “This is so so bad,” she said. “I need to delete this from my life.” She sat back on the couch cackling while also continuing to wonder how anyone could possibly think posting something like that would be a remotely good idea.
It wasn’t until Caroline followed up that her laughter subsided. “Are you and Todd going re-create this when you finally pick a date?” she asked.
With her hand trembling over her phone, all she could think was, “What the fuck does she mean by ‘finally’?” And within three minutes of stewing over Caroline’s seemingly passive-aggressive message, she went from being catty to being straight-up livid.
“Sorry we couldn’t all just get married two months after meeting our fucking boyfriends,” she vented while walking around her apartment. “Are you like a fucking wedding planner now or something, Caroline?”
It was only then that she had a realization. It was nearly March. Months had gone by since Todd got on his knee that one fateful night in Paris (still pronouncing it Pair-EE in her head). Distracted by the holidays and her birthday week, she simply had no spare time for doing any wedding planning.
As her train of thought progressed, she could feel the cloud of dread hovering over her head getting darker and darker. A couple months for this, a few months for that, and suddenly the realization hit her that there wasn’t even the slightest chance that she and Todd could fit this into their schedule for 2018. “Fuck,” she audibly said before taking a seat at their kitchen island with her planner. “I’m so fucking behind.”
Her fever dreams of a summer wedding suddenly got pulled out from under her. It simply wasn’t feasible and, unless they wanted to do a destination wedding in Aspen or Jackson Hole, a winter wedding would simply be an embarrassment. Even if she got all her ducks in a row and hit the ground running, every coordination that she’d need to fall into place simply wouldn’t be feasible — the venues (all booked), the save the dates (where would she find a designer on such short notice?), the ten pounds she needs to lose (“I need to go to Ride more.”). “FUCK,” she reiterated loudly while slamming her planner shut.
“I’m not Jennifer fucking Lopez in The Wedding Planner,” she reasoned, “I can’t plan all this shit by myself.”
She shut her eyes and thought deeply about her first action item.
“Wait,” she hesitated. “I mean, I do need a job — could I… could I be a wedding planner?”
After all, it made too much sense. While assessing herself, she mentally noted that she had the best taste out of her group of friends, she and Todd had been to countless weddings over the past couple years, and she had enough Pinspiration to last a lifetime. She had already been planning her wedding in her head for over a year leading up to her own engagement — what was stopping her from doing the same for others?
And then she snapped out of it. “Wait, fuck,” she muttered with her eyes wide open. “What am I thinking? Am I being serious right now? I’m already months behind on planning my own wedding; there’s no way I can take on other people’s basic-ass weddings too.”
Her first thought was to call Caroline and talk all of this out over an açaí bowl, but her mind reverted back to Caroline’s subtle comment about how she hadn’t yet done anything to plan her wedding day. For fear of her breakdown getting back to Caroline, she knew there was no way she could call Katie about it either. She soon realized that she had no other choice but to call the one person who she knew would help both emotionally and financially — her mom.
“Mom,” she said with some shakiness in her voice, “It’s me.”
“What’s wrong, dear?”
“I… I’m kind of freaking out,” she admitted.
“Is everything okay? Did something happen to Todd? Sperry? Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant before the wedding.”
“Ugh,” she blurted out. “No, mom, I’m not pregnant.”
“Phew, because if you were, your dad would have a heart attack. Imagine what people would say if we had a shotg—”
“Mom, stop,” she pleaded. “I’m literally losing it right now.”
“What’s wrong, honey?”
She looked down at her ring while taking a deep breath.
“I’ve been engaged for almost three months now,” she stuttered, “and I haven’t done a single ounce of wedding planning.”
“Oh, trust me, your father and I just had this conversation last night.”
“Mom!” she yelled into the phone. “You’re not helping!”
“It’s okay, dear, I’ve already talked to someone and let him know that you’d be calling him sooner than later.”
“Him?” she said aloud. “Who? Wait, what?”
“Oh, don’t worry, honey, he’s a French wedding planner who helped the Beauforts with their daughters wedding this past summer. He’s absolutely fabulous.”
“Oh,” she thought while her mom continued on about him. “So he’s def gay,” she concluded needing no other information. “Perf.”
“I’ll send over his information to you right away.”
“Thank you so much, mom,” she gushed into the phone, “I love you so—”
“I love you too, honey, but I must be going. I’m late for bridge.”
She set her phone down and cracked her neck, letting out one final sigh of relief before picking her phone back up to compose a text.
“What time are you going to be home tonight? We have a lot to talk about.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Shocked that she had the self awareness to realize she’d be a terrible wedding planner.
You’re giving her too much credit, she just concluded she doesn’t have enough time. No chance she doesn’t think she would be anything other than the best wedding planner ever.
I know this has been reiterated endless times, but Girl is straight-up not a good person and has zero redeeming qualities.
This is true but I feel like we all know (or have almost gotten married to at some point) girls who are eerily similar.
Did you copy the name “Beauforts” from one of the New York Times Insufferable Marriage Annoucements?
SHE DOESN’T HAVE A JOB. HOW CAN SHE NOT DO ANYTHING?!?!
Yikes that spiked the blood pressure a little…
Life is the hardest when you need to look pretty 24/7.
I’m well aware.
Honestly, I bet their wedding would be dope as hell. Way over the top and super nice.
Plus the breakdown she will obviously have at some point during the reception will make for a great story come Monday
Lit for the guests, a nightmare for the groom – especially in this case because Girl is the worst human being.
I have zero sympathy for Todd, he’s had several chances to break up with her and Tyler even warned him that she kinda sucks
You ever had a super hot girlfriend that’s crazy (crazy girl sex is the best)…..it’s harder to leave than you think
No.
I second 19th’s assertion about crazy girls and their “skills”. They treat it like it’s a championship main event. They’ll pull out all the stops to make you forget about how terrible they are with their clothes on.
Refer to the Hot / Crazy scale video that went viral
username checks out
Deranged Girl is becoming more unhinged over wedding planning by the day. Maybe even more deranged than the bad actors in the lying’ Mainstream Media who lose their minds and have mental seizures every time Trump has BIG WIN to show for: (45 year low on illegal border crossings this year..MS-13 thugs being hit hard, record high in decades for our beautiful booming economy thanks to our massive Tax Cut Bill, ISIS and Taliban now DEAD and on the RUN, appointing of many conservative Judges at the Federal and District level – said to be some of the best legal minds around! WOW! Big praise, unemployment claims among Women and African Americans are at the lowest level since 1973, and much much more!)…Luckily Girl has her mother (who seems like a wonderful lady, just brilliant) to come in and “save the day” by scheduling fabulous French wedding planner..just like Trump had to come in and save Liddle’ Adam Schiff who was making a fool of himself over @Foxnews for his comments on Russian meddling. What else is new?
Good thing Girl’s mom could pick out a planner it must be really stressful planning a wedding when you don’t have a job to go to during the day
Will…please tell us you’re going to do a mock NYT marriage announcement for these two…
…obviously.
Is this how we learn Girl’s name?
And you have to mock the mock NYT article like any other Insufferable NYT article.
yaaaaaaaaaaaas
A) Thanks to Girl’s mom for being concerned about me
B) If Girl tries to make me the ring bearer I’ll kill her myself
We all love you Sperry.
Duh. I’m v lovable.
I hope the wedding planner can’t stand her attitude/nonsense and quits, and then her wedding planning falls apart and then, she tries to overcompensate by making everything go her way and Todd gets sick of it, and takes back his ring, and then Sperry runs away to Alex’s house and then Girl cries and then her parents cut her off financially and then, she has to become a gypsy.
And then gets pregnant.
By John. Which then causes her to have a fallout with Caroline and all of her friends choose Team Caro, and then John and Caroline also get divorced and then John and Todd get to be single again and they find Claire and her friends, and then they also buy a horse that eventually runs at the Derby, but then Todd stabs John in the back and gets with Caroline and marries her and then John goes off the rails and tries to kill Girl because she’s to blame for everything but he manages to only paralyze her and then goes to jail and now Girl is a traveling gypsy in a wheelchair.
Sit tight, gonna make some calls to Paramount.
“Traveling gypsies in a wheelchairs” would make a hell of a death metal band name
I’d buy that t-shirt.
And where do I end up in this scenario?
You ran away to Alex’s house.
You’re in safe hands with a girl who loves you for you, not for Insta possibilities.
I’ll allow it.
This is the real journey I need to see.
Come on man, that’s just mean to gypsies.