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She stood in the kitchen putting her second earring in while Todd was planted firmly on the couch with two fingers of scotch poured in his tumbler. It was the first night in the city since spring where it was actually cold, so walking to the wine bar where they were to meet Katie and Finn just seemed out of the question.
“What time do we need to be there again?” Todd asked.
She turned down the stereo from her phone and responded, “Like, 7 o’clock but we don’t need to be there until, like, 7:15.”
Todd looked down at his watch and noticed it was already 6:55. He also peered down at his phone and noticed a text from Finn. Using his thumb to unlock it, he read, “Got a table in the back, let me know when you’re here.”
“Baby,” he yelled to the kitchen, “Finn just said they’re already there – should we leave?”
Again, she turned down the stereo – “Work” by Fifth Harmony – and clarified that she wasn’t close to being ready to go, “but you can call an Uber.”
Todd brought up the app on his already open phone after responding to Finn. He noticed there was 3.5x surge pricing on UberX along with an 11-minute wait time. Wondering how much time she actually needed to get ready, Todd considered asking her whether she’d rather do UberPOOL or UberSelect. He stood up from the couch and approached her in the kitchen. He caught her fixing her hair in a small vanity mirror that rested on the kitchen’s island while she sipped the last of her wine.
“We can either do UberPOOL or get a Select, but the pricing for a normal car is just stupid right now.”
“Are you kidding me?” she shot back. “I’d rather take a fucking pedal pub there than ride in an UberPOOL minivan.”
Not wanting to pay for an UberSelect simply to avoid the 60-degree air, Todd considered telling her to call one but he knew they didn’t have time to sort out logistics because they were already running way too late. “Okay,” he agreed, “I’ll just get a Select.”
He waited for a moment while the app searched for his ride before it was accepted – “Okay, there’s a Lincoln Navigator that’s going to be here in three minutes.”
“Oh,” she stuttered. “Well, he’s going to have to wait a few because I’m still getting ready.”
Todd looked her up and down with confusion. “But…” he began before stopping as she poured another nip of wine into her glass. Knowing that the situation was out of his control, he sat down on a bar stool across from her. She picked up her phone and began texting Katie that they were on their way, unbeknownst to Todd. As they sat in silence, it was finally broken by Todd’s phone going off notifying him that Patrick had arrived in the Navigator.
“Alright,” Todd notified her while standing up and putting on his jacket. “He’s here.”
Still looking in the vanity mirror, she hesitated before responding, “Okay, I’m going to be, like, two more minutes. He can wait.”
Discouraged by their tardiness, Todd told her, “I’m going to head down there and make sure he doesn’t cancel on us.” She noted that there was no way he’d cancel on them, but Todd simply wanted to make sure. Closing the door and entering the elevator, he made his way down while she spritzed herself with perfume and adjusted her hair.
“She’ll just be second,” Todd clarified with the driver as he entered the car. “Sorry about the wait.”
“No worries, my my man,” Patrick responded. “No worries at all.”
They say and waited. The first minute felt like an hour to Todd. The second minute felt like two hours. And the third? Well, you know.
Todd looked thorugh the rotating door and noticed the elevator opening. “Oh, there she is,” he said aloud. She was on the phone with someone, but Todd didn’t know who. At this point, it was 7:10. Finn and Katie had already been at the restaurant for fifteen minutes, and it was probably going to be another fifteen more before they were actually seated and in a conversation with them.
As she got in the car, she spoke loudly into her phone – “I know, right? It’s like, duh, are you serious? Of course you don’t want to go on a second date with a guy like that.” She moved the phone away from her mout hand covered the mouth piece with her hand so she could speak to Todd. “It’s Megan,” she said. “I’ll just be a second.”
“Alright,” Patrick began. “Shows here you’re headed to Vine on 5th?” Todd confirmed and he pulled out of the circle entry to the apartment building.
Still on the phone with Megan, she again pulled the phone away from her face. “Ummm, sir,” she said from the backseat, “Why are we taking this way? I typed it on Waze and it’s telling me we need to go down Garden Street and then take a left onto 6th when we run into it.”
“Just came from that way, Miss,” he responded, “There was a huge back-up from a concert happening down there.”
She leaned over and whispered to Todd, “He has no fucking clue where he’s going. We’re going to be so late because of him.”
“Megan, I have to go. We’re, like, so lost right now. Love ya, mean it.”
A song Todd had never heard before came on Sirius before she asked the driver to turn it up. “Ugh, I love this song.” Todd was texting Finn that they were just going to be a few minutes, while she again brought up a map and tried to find a faster route despite there not being one.
“Babe,” she whispered again, “This is the worst Uber I’ve ever been in, he’s going the complete wrong direction. Is he on something?”
With a furrowed brow and a look of confusion, Todd turned to her and shushed her. “Babe, please, stop.”
She mouthed “wow” and proceeded to uncross her legs and cross them away from Todd. Her hand slowly crept out of the clutch of his and noted, “Well, tonight should be fun,” while passive-aggressively looking out the window. With her phone still illuminated and on full brightness, the women’s Waze voiced continually said, “Turn left…” before being cut off by a rerouting message because they had, in fact, taken a different route than her phone had previously told her.
Pulling up to the wine bar, Todd began thanking the driver over the voice of the Waze women saying, “You’ve reached your destination.” Todd pointed towards a side street for the driver to pull down before ending the conversation with, “Here’s fine, really appreciate it.”
As they both exited the car, Todd again thanked the driver as he helped her out.
“Todd,” she nearly screamed. “I swear to God, if you give him anything more than one star…” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
This was it. This was the one. She’s the worst person on the planet.
I was on the “she must be great in bed” train but no way someone this terrible is anything more than a starfish. Bet she even reaches over to the nightstand 45 seconds in to check her phone for a missed text.
I wonder if she drops the “mamma likes” line in the sack as often as she does it in regular conversation.
I might be done with this column tbh.
She has gone Full Cunt on us.
when i looked at the figure of 14866 dollars .Than I have no other choice but to accept , what i saw .They have been doing this for a year and get rid of their debts.. Yesterday they purchased new Aston Martin ….
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“Surge prices be damned,” Todd thinks, finger hovering over the ‘Request Uber’ button.
He presses down, causing the confirmation box to pop up. “Your Uber ride to: HELL will arrive shortly!”
Todd smiles. The Girl was finally going home.
Will, if there is a prize out there for “writing that makes a reader physically uncomfortable” I hope you win it every year.
Some people say that’s the prize you receive that sets you up for the Nobel Prize.
Her entire reaction to Todd asking her to stop is something I’ve had to experience more times than I’d like to admit
As someone who lives in KC every time a deal with a girl like this they are a KU grad… so weird.
There’s much worse in the world than a girl who grew up in Johnson County. You’ve got it easy compared to an actual big city.
idk man, girls from the Joco bubble have no chill
These are so true its giving me flashbacks…
Y’all know Katie and Finn are talking so much shit about Girl because her and Todd are going to be 30 minutes late.
Todd’s life sounds like perpetual Sunday Scaries
FTFY
Didn’t even realize it was Wednesday until I saw this post…
#PGP
Todd’s life really sucks. I bet she gives really shitty head for like 20 seconds too.
Definitely gives off the dead fish vibe.
She probably only gives head when sloppy drunk and that’s until she hears Todd’s phone ding from a text message and she’s offended that someone would be texting him while he’s with her.
That was really detailed. Are you projecting?
This felt like the another step in Todd beginning to break it off; alas I don’t believe Will will ever give us that satisfaction of a breakup article.
Actually Will probably will have them breakup just so he can write “TGDAG: Awkward Morning after” when they sleep with each other two months after breaking up.
Then they’ll try getting back together for a while. Why do you put these thoughts in Will’s head?
I’m hoping for a check or to be a guest on touching base.
There is no amount of freaky sex with this girl that would balance-out how bad a person she is.