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Katie: Hiiiiiiiiiiii
Girl: Hey girllllllllll
Katie: Sooooooo, question.
Girl: uh-oh
Katie: Do you know what the plan is for Caroline’s bachelorette party?
Girl: Ugh, I was JUST thinking about that
Katie: Like… is anything planned?
Girl: Um considering she has yet to name anyone maid of freaking honor, I don’t think there’s anything planned…
Katie: Okay well lez be honest, it’s going to be one of us
*Girl rolls her eyes knowing it will be her*
Girl: It’s, like, probs going to be you tbh
Katie: …should we just plan it since no one else is going to?
Girl: Well, like, I know she wants to do it at her dad’s timeshare in cabo
Katie: well duh, where else would we do it?
Girl: Who do you think we need to invite?
Katie: Well there’s you, me, alex (ugh), Victoria, Megan, Sarah, Jane, Claire, Ellie, Charlotte, Sophie, Alana, Kate, Jessica, Jenny, Gabby, and then like three of her weird friends from college that I’m probably forgetting.
Girl: Oh, great, because it’s so fucking easy to find a reservation for twenty girls in Cabo at this time of year.
Katie: Ughhhhhhhhhh
Girl: Isn’t there just someone we can hire to do this for us?
Katie: srsly
Girl: If you want to talk to her dad about staying at his place, I’ll call around and see where we can get rezzies for everything
Katie: Okay, that’s fine with me. Idk even where to start with what the hell we should do when we get there.
Girl: Is Alex going to be all weird about trying to do yoga classes and stuff? If mama’s on vaca, mama ain’t working out.
Katie: lolol, so bad. I bet she spends the entire time texting you-know-who like last time.
Girl: *eye-roll emoji*
Katie: Let’s send John one of those questionnaire thingys where we see if their answers match.
Girl: Hahaha okay I’ll send him the same one we sent Finn before your bachelorette party. Do we need to think about getting personalized stuff beforehand or do we just buy a bunh of penis straws?
Katie: We need, like, all penis everything because Caroline is the most inappropriate out of all of us *eggplant emoji*
Girl: I would LOVE to see her with a penis crown on, if not only to see her with a dick on her head.
Katie: Hahahahahaha, stopppppppp. You’re sooooo baddddddddddd.
Girl: Do you know which weekend John is doing his bachelorette party?
Katie: I think they’re doing a golf trip after Labor Day?
Girl: Ugh, idk. I’ll ask Todd. We should do it a different weekend than that so we can have a girl’s weekend while they’re gone.
Katie: Uh, duh, we might as well make a reservation for sushi like right now.
Girl: I’m going to make Todd buy me something at Nordies out of guilt when he gets back
Katie: Oh, girl, I like where your head’s at!
Girl: *hairflip emoji*
Katie: Okay, let’s just figure out a date and send out the invites, like, asap.
Girl: I have this Etsy store bookmarked that has the PERFECT invites.
Katie: lol, of course you do
Girl: There’s lingerie on each of them, which reminds me, we need to buy her some for her and John’s wedding night
Katie: Ugh, can I just regift mine? I think I still have the tags on them because I could not have pulled them off.
Girl: So you were, like, SO skinny at your wedding. I was so jelly of how ano you looked. Your arms were twigs, it was amaze.
Katie: Speaking of, I need to get back on my wedding diet if we’re going to be in bikinis soon. Alex will probably try to instagram photos of us looking horrible.
Girl: Two can play at that game.
Katie: Alright, well I’m off to spin class but I’ll start making a spreadsheet where we can put everyone’s flight times and contact info.
Girl: Well look at you, all organized and official.
Katie: What can I say? I’m a pro.
Girl: Okay, I’ll talk to Todd and we’ll figure all this shit out.
Katie: Love ya, mean it.
Girl: *kiss face emoji*
*Exits iMessage, begins to text Todd*
Girl: Okay, well Katie definitely thinks she’s the maid of honor. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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@willdefries
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Low key hope when she tries to guilt Todd into buying something for her out of guilt he purposely buys one size too big. Send a message, Todd. Let her know you’re still a man.
or one size too small
“What sorry babe, you’re not an extra small? Hmm shouldn’t you be though?”
You can’t just tell women what body type they should have anymore. It’s 2016, get with the program you misogynist.
this
I would pay good money to see that happen, like enough to buy a size medium nightie money.
1. I get even more angry at this girl when the articles are just text conversations
2. we need a chronicles of Todd for the bachelor party
Please let her pick Alex as Maid of Honor. The fallout from that would be fantastic. Do it for the content Will
Each Wednesday I stop fantasizing about running my boss over with my car to fantasize about running over Girl with my car.
So I’m definitely reaching here, but one of the girls invited is Claire. Has to be a different Claire right? Right Will?
Caught that too..
Dear god, please let it be the same Claire.
I threw up a little bit in my mouth at “ano”
Nah man, that’s bulimia or “buli” for short
Every time the girl refers to herself as momma, I die a little more inside.
I want to punch her in the throat every time I read it.
Nordies? Ano? Lez? Soon they’re going to have start offering Basic Bitch 101 as a foreign language class.
Plot twist. Todd has actually banged one of Caroline’s other friends and causes a meltdown during the bachelorette party.
Oh I like this one!! Recently watch from the sidelines two girls in our group go through this. Super entertaining when you don’t get roped in.
You seem like you just like to watch the world burn… Sup?
Nah, it was just funny to see Girl A be mad at Girl B for sleeping with her boyfriend 6 years ago when they were in grad school. Girl A met the boyfriend last year. She also thought it was insulting he would sleep with Girl B because she wasn’t as attractive as her.
But…. Hey!
You just played out the dream scenario in your comment. Thank you.
I’m looking forward to the backstories and Girl’s harsh judgment on all of these new characters.
That’s a lot of work. Creating your own job security. PGPM