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“She would have texted, right?” she asked while swirling a glass of cabernet.
Todd perused the menu with two open seats to his right. “Of course, babe,” he assured her. “They’re, like, five minutes late. It’s not a big deal.”
Visibly upset, she considered texting Claire to make sure they were en route. But would it look too desperate? Would she come off too strong? Would she be laying it on too thick? Checking her phone one last time before putting it into her clutch, she saw nothing but Instagram notifications and iMessages from a group text she was ignoring that night in favor of this dinner.
“Is that him?” Todd asked. “I think they might have just walked in?”
Trying not to appear too desperate, she looked elegantly over her shoulder and noticed Claire standing in the entrance of the restaurant. She considered standing up to wave them down but then figured she’d let them sort it out with the hostess. Again, the whole “desperation” thing despite her complete desperation to become friends with such a cool couple outside their normal group of friends.
When they finally approached, she acted surprised to see them. “Oh my God!” she blurted out, “We didn’t even see you come in!”
After a brief hug and exchange of pleasantries, she urged Tom and Claire to take a seat. “Sit down, sit down, Todd and I were just enjoying a glass of wine and talking about our plans to go to a museum tomorrow.”
“We were?” Todd thought, but he found it best not to out her aloud.
“Sooooooooo,” she led, “How are you? We considered getting a bottle, but I wanted you both to peruse the wine list yourself to see if anything caught your eye.” She handed it over to Tom so she could maximize her time with Claire.
“Our sincerest regrets for being so late,” Claire apologized. “I had no idea the traffic would be so bad tonight, and our UberSELECT canceled on us at the last minute so we had to call another.”
“Ugh,” she thought to herself. “UberSELECT. So lux.”
“Tom,” Todd said trying to take his attention away from the wine list, “I was thinking about just sticking with a few beers if that interested you. They’ve got some real interesting ones on tap.”
Tom looked up from the wine list and handed it over to his left to Claire. “I like that idea, Todd. What’re you having?” Todd couldn’t remember which sour beer he had ordered, but he knew just that — that it was a sour beer.
“That looks like a sour,” Tom said. “You know, I’ve actually been doing some home brewing as of late and…”
He began to trail off and Claire diverted her attention from yet another conversation about Tom’s brewing and wanted to get some girl talk out of the way.
“So!” Claire said, “How have you been since the class? Make any more donuts?”
It was an awkward introduction with both of them realizing that they didn’t know much about one another outside of their brief conversations in the cooking class (and through the stalking they’d done of each other on Instagram).
When the waiter finally arrived, Claire realized she hadn’t taken any time trying to figure out what she would drink for the night. “What is that you’re drinking?” Claire asked, pointing to her glass.
“I believe it was this 2014 Cab riiiiiiight here,” she pointed, embarrassed that it was one of the cheaper options on the menu.
“You know what?” Claire said while looking up at the waiter, “I’ll do that as well — make it a bottle for the table.”
Flattered by the fact that Claire had just based her order off of her wine, the night literally could not have begun better than it had. Nevermind the fact that they were late, but Claire’s interest in her decisions made her feel like the center of attention.
“Not to be too forward,” she whispered, “But I love your outfit.”
“This old thing?” Claire questioned, “I mean, I would’ve tried to dress up more but I had such a busy day helping a friend move an art installation across town for her showing tomorrow.”
Just hearing the words “art installation” overwhelmed her with jealousy. As Todd looked across the table at his fiancée, he realized that he hadn’t seen her look at someone like that since, well, their engagement in Paris.
As it goes with new couples conversing for the first time, the topics of conversation leading up to dinner ranged from wedding planning to restaurant recommendations to why Claire had switched from soy milk to almond milk. She even makes her own, they learned. “I’ll get you a bottle next time we meet up,” Claire offered.
“Yessssss,” she thought to herself. “There’s going to be a next time.”
Right before the entrees were set on the table, Tom wiped his mouth with his napkin and excused himself to go to the bathroom to wash his hands. “I’ll join you,” Claire told him.
As they walked to the bathroom together in the distance, she leaned across the table and softly asked Todd, “So, how do you think it’s going?”
“I mean, fine?” Todd responded. “Tom seems cool but I almost think he thinks I’m too much of a bro for him or something. Like, I have no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to this brewing stuff.”
“Well, figure it out,” she demanded. “I’m thinking about pitching getting drinks with them after at that wine bar that opened up on 37th. Is that too forward?”
Breathing deeply in through his nostrils, Todd hesitantly asked, “Are you sure we want to spend the rest of the night with them? John just texted me about meeting up at Eastside Tavern when we’re done.”
“No,” she snapped. “We’re not seeing Caroline and John tonight — I told Caroline we weren’t going already. I need to butter her up before introducing her to all of our other friends.”
Todd became frustrated. Not because he didn’t like them — they were fine — but because he didn’t see why they needed to cater their entire night around a couple that they’d just met.
“Things are going really well for me right now, Todd,” she stressed. “Like, really well. We NEED to establish a wedding date because I want to put out a feeler to make sure they’re free.”
“Are you seriou—” Todd began before getting interrupted. “Okay, we have to stop because they’re walking this way but you need to take a step back.”
“Sorrrrrrrry,” Claire announced as she sat back down. “Has the food really not come yet? The service was much better here last week.”
Debating whether or not she should say something to the waiter who was helping the table over, she thought better of it and decided to continue with their small talk.
“Not to be too forward, but where did you and Tom get married?” She actually knew the answer to the question given that she had deep-dived into her Instagram profile and saw that they had a small ceremony on a farm in Virginia. “Todd and I were thinking of doing ours in Aspen or Banff, but we’re meeting with our wedding planner next week.”
Shocked by the new information she had just brought to the table, Todd looked across with his glassy eyes simply telling her, “No.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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TGDAG – Leave Todd for a Woman
I’d watch it
I’d read it
Old Claire > New Claire
Old Claire > Most Characters
I don’t know, I’m a big fan of this Tom guy.
Username checks out.
Uber select name drop is possibly the douchiest move to date on this series. It’s like girl found a new mentor to take her next level.
Not to be too forward, but sour beers suck. Get it together, Todd.
I like a good Gose
Sup?
Did they go to the bathroom together to have a quickie?
They probably discussed how hard Girl is trying right now
Bingo. It was to talk shit about Todd and Girl and create a game plan in case they wanted to keep the night rolling.
‘Time to pull the ole Aunt Emily’ – Tom if he has seen Mr. Mom
Probably had to rip the one-hitter outside to deal with Girl
what is an UberSelect?!?!?!
If you have to ask…
A really fancy Uber.
But I don’t even have that option on mine. My best is a UberBlack
Uber Black is better than uberselect but not ever market has ubersekect. It’s an in between car, nicer than uberX but doesn’t qualify for uberblack
Same. Though here in DC half the Uber X’s are luxury brands anyway (gotta pay that car note somehow). I usually get an XL or SUV so I’m not crammed in the back of a Honda Fit
Same here. If I’m ubering in DC, i might as well get a comfy car.
We need a Chronicles of Todd recapping the night
Tough times for Todd. His girl is setting him up with this square Tom and now she’s talking like their wedding should be televised or some shit. He needs to keep her shit in check.
I think that ship sailed a long time ago, Tyler is our last hope for any kind of salvation at the bachelor party
At this point his best hope is that she cheats so he has an unquestionable reason to leave but he’s such a coward I’m not sure that would even do it.
I already love Claire simply because of how inferior she makes Girl feel.
It doesn’t take much.
And Girl just scared them away in a matter of minutes.
I thought when they both excused themselves they were ditching them.
Can you blame them?