Things Girls Do After Graduation: Date Online, Pt. II

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Valentine’s Day has finally arrived, and she hasn’t talked to Todd since Wednesday night when he was out getting drinks with clients. Her fear was that he’s already cheating on her even though they haven’t gone on a single date yet, but she cures her anxiety with a large bowl of pad thai and a strategic Skype date with Victoria, whose life is in shambles. She then spends Thursday at work fervently scrolling the PDF menu of the restaurant Todd selected so she won’t have to distract herself with the menu during the date. After getting her last hot yoga session in before Friday, she gets into her Tempurpedic and dreams of Todd until morning.

Her alarm — “Dreams” by The Cranberries — goes off and she pops out of bed as if she’s been sleeping on hot coals all night. While getting dressed for work, she also lays out her potential outfits for the night. After putting away her “slut” outfit from Forever 21 and her “prude” outfit from Ann Taylor, she settles on a perfectly trendy outfit comprised solely of items from her Zara order that she placed after she heard Kanye West mention it in an interview with BBC. After feeding Sperry, she heads out the door and knows she’s in for a long day.

Work is tense. Her anticipation is too high to be productive but stewing over her drink choice all day is simply unhealthy. “To martini, or not to martini?” she asks herself. She wants to find the perfect balance between cutely buzzed and “I can blame any bad decisions on that second martini,” but it’s a slippery slope.

“Happy hour?” her work-husband inquires, to which she proudly responds, “Ugh, I wish I could, but I have a date.” She holds back the urge to fist-pump upon completion of saying it. With a skip in her step and her headphones in, she puts her infinity scarf on and walks back to her apartment to prepare for the best Valentine’s Day ever.

Her asymmetrical knit sweater — sheer enough to put out the vibe but chunky enough to command respect — matches perfectly with her black leather pants. After putting on a maybe-this-is-too-much amount of perfume and curling her hair while the My Girl soundtrack plays on the Bose her dad got her for her birthday, she’s ready.

“Don’t wait up for me Sperry, I’ve got a date with destiny,” is whispered as she heads out the door and walks to the Asian fusion restaurant she selected for Todd Upon her 8:05 arrival for her 8 o’clock reservation, she sees Todd sitting at the bar drinking what she later finds out to be Redemption Rye. She has no idea, but he’s already had three.

Her initial reaction of him? Yes, he’s tall. Yes, he has great hair. Yes, he’s well dressed. Or at least well-dressed enough that she can text her friend Katie that she doesn’t need to stage an “emergency” call anymore to get her out of the date. Todd hugs her as if they’ve known each other for years as opposed to meeting on Hinge just days prior. You could say things are going well, but that would be an understatement.

As they are lead to their seats by the hostess, Todd is the perfect gentleman and pulls her chair out for her while asking what she’d like to drink. “I’d love a martini,” she shoots back, knowing what she’s about to get into. Todd orders another Redemption (neat) as she goes to check her phone before telling herself, “No, you’re on a technology timeout” while secretly turning it off under the table.

She mistakes the glassiness of Todd’s eyes for a twinkle and is melting in his presence as she orders the edamame to start. Luckily, she’s been to this restaurant before and memorized the menu earlier, so they can get right into the conversation. It’s a back-and-forth tennis match between the two, touching on subjects from their upbringing to their college experience to “how ridiculous the potholes are” around the city. Vibing, to say the least.

Between a wagyu hot rock, pork jowl, and numerous sashimi servings, she orders yet another martini after making a Kim Richards joke that flies clear over Todd’s head. Almost falling out of his chair, he gets up to go to the bathroom. Excited, she fumbles her iPhone 6 Plus and quickly turns it on to text Katie but doesn’t have time because she decided to tweet simply the heart emoji instead. Todd returns from the bathroom and scares her a bit as she was too involved in checking her notifications to realize he was walking back to the table.

The bill comes and she fake reaches for her clutch, well knowing that Todd has more than enough money to cover it. Like, he works in finance, duh. “What do you say we get out of here?” he asks while sliding the bill to the center of the table. She knows her place is only a block-and-a-half away, and she’s not about to not invite him up to “watch a movie.”

As they approach her apartment building, she coyly smiles at her favorite doorman who clearly knows what’s about to happen. He lets them in and get in the elevator where Todd puts his arm around her and brings her in for a hug. As they exit, they can hear a dog barking from down the hall. They both stumble towards her door.

“Oh, that’s just Sperry. Don’t mind him. He’s an angel.” .

Image via Shutterstock

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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