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Listen: it’s, like, 95 degrees outside right now. Might be a little cooler, might be a little hotter depending on where you’re reading this from, but I’d like to make one thing very clear – you don’t have to change out of your bathing suit tonight when you decide you’re going to meet a few friends out at the bar.
It’s July, and while I know that many of you do not have numerous off, I do. This means that I’m going to be on Lake Michigan (because I don’t have friends with a pool) all day sipping coldies and parlaying that into a trip to the bar. I’m not stopping back at home for a quick shower. I’m leaving my trunks on and letting everyone bask in the glory that is my sunburnt skin.
The reason I’m advocating for the swimsuit at the bar is pretty straightforward. I was hotter than a rat stuck in a wool sock a few nights back and it was primarily because I was wearing a pair of shorts and a pair of boxer briefs underneath said shorts.
I had a serious case of swamp ass, and I was dripping sweat from every pore of my body. I believe that the sweating began in my nether regions and slowly worked it’s way up to my torso and eventually my head.
The gel in my hair was running down the side of my face. My entire body was a pinkish-red hue that does not look good on anybody. I only consumed four, maybe five, beers in total but because I was sweating so badly I looked more like I was an entire bottle of vodka deep. The shirt and shorts I was wearing were wet to the touch, and I felt like a disgusting farm animal rubbing against strangers to try and order more Miller Lite’s for me and my crew of flunkies.
I took one step outside of my air-conditioned apartment and knew that the evening was pretty much over before it started. No one looks good in this kind of heat. It’s outrageous to ask me to put on anything other than a t-shirt and shorts, and honestly, even the shorts are a pretty ridiculous ask at this point. We’re in the middle of a historic heatwave, and everyone needs to be sympathetic to the fact that some people (i.e. me) just run hot.
The bathing suit solves this issue of swamp ass. It comes with a built-in liner so you don’t have that extra layer with boxer briefs (or boxer shorts if you’re still 18 years old). Adding to that, a bathing suit is made to dry quickly. They are (usually) moisture wicking and made of a fabric that is lightweight and breathable. I don’t know why I didn’t think of doing this sooner.
This means that even if you do get that dreaded swamp ass, it’s not going to show on your trunks. I have a love-hate relationship with the built-in liner on swim trunks, but I can deal with it when the other option is adding an additional layer with the boxer brief.
Highly recommend purchasing a pair of Patagonia Baggies. They look great at the beach or the pool AND, maybe most importantly at the bar. Enjoy today and tomorrow, rant over. Don’t let anyone shame you for wearing a bathing suit to the bar tonight. This is America. Let’s act like it, folks..
Image via Youtube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Fuck it let’s just all go naked to the bar
Would definitely make it easier deciding who you want to go home with
Not for me, seeing how there would be brown streak marks all over my rear area since all I eat for dinner every day is beef burritos
And don’t worry guys – I’m done with this website from now on. Just wanted to get one more comment in. Farewell.
k.
Chicken legs and a frail hipster upper body in mustard baggies? Looks like Duda is a stock photo girl…
*stocc
Patagonia baggies are a staple of my day drinking attire. No chance of swamp ass being spotted by the opposite sex which is always a win
Conversely: ladies do NOT wear your swim bottoms under your shorts/sundress. It’s gonna be a bad time
Great point. Commando is the obvious answer.
And don’t French fry when you should pizza. You’re gonna have a bad time.
This is why a beach town and beach bars are so great. It’s pretty much come as you are, people dressed up for weddings standing right next to the guy in trucks and un-buttoned hawaiian.
Baggies are certifiably the move. Hooked up with a girl from the bar one night last summer while peacocking around in those bad boys. Ladies can’t resist the tan line a colorful 5″ inseam shows off.
I fully support this move and will be doing this on the hottest nights. Sorry @monalisa but I’m going in swim trunks to the city from now on.
Birddogs > Patagonia
I’m slowly getting rid of all my other shorts for birddogs. I just wish they had some different designs though. I’m not a big tuck in my shirt guy so when half the short bottoms are navy blue it’s a problem
Hey buddy – get off of this website
This is fine if you’re just hanging out with your friends at the bar, but don’t expect to take a lady home if you smell like sweat and lake water. It’s not the swimsuit that’s a problem, it’s not showering.
Good move by a pool or a beach. Bad move anywhere else