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There’s a brief moment in between the time where one sets their phone down for the night and right before one falls asleep. Most people don’t have a name for the phenomenon that I’m describing, but I like to call it “The Piss Zone.” It’s arguably the most annoying moment in anyone’s day – worse than waking up to go to work or cutting a check to your landlord at the end of the month for rent. Nothing rivals this moment in terms of sheer anguish and despair.
The Piss Zone, or TPZ for short, is a split second feeling where you know you have to pee, but it’s so late at night and you’re so cozy inside of your bed that the thought of getting up and walking to a brightly lit bathroom to relieve yourself just seems like so much work.
And that’s because it really is so much work. TPZ will throw your entire night off if you’re not careful. It throws your sleeping rhythm way off course in a way that nothing else will. One moment you’re all set to get into a deep REM and the very next you’re in the bathroom with a super bright light on peeing way more than you ever thought you had to.
It seems like I’m getting up every night now to enter TPZ, whereas a few years ago I could chug a Nalgene’s worth of water and be totally fine. This is all a natural part of getting old, but it still sucks to admit that it’s affecting me.
One could argue that simply ignoring TPZ works, and I’d listen to that argument but ultimately tell you that you’re wrong. Dead wrong, in fact. Whilst in bed and ready for sleep, once the thought of having to pee enters the brain the only way to get rid of that nagging thought is to actually get up and go. It consumes every crevice of the brain and time and time again I find myself peeing out way more than I thought I had in the tank.
“Wow, I really had to go,” I say out loud to no one inside of the bathroom.
I’ve tried to avoid TPZ by refusing to turn the lights on. I’ll fumble around in the dark until I find the toilet, where I’ll put the seat down and then take a nice, relaxing sit down piss. And while there is no shame in sitting down to pee, that method only works to a certain extent. TPZ isn’t just about the lights being turned on. It’s also about getting up out of the bed.
You could try purchasing a toilet light, but then your bathroom turns into an impromptu disco hall everytime you want to use the commode, and no offense to disco, but that’s not the vibe I want when I’m clearing out my pipes. There’s a pee party happening and you’re the only one invited. Sorry.
Simply put, you can try all you want to not enter TPZ, but in the end, you’re waging a futile war. It’s a neverending battle that you lose every single time. The only real way to avoid the pitfalls of TPZ would be to start peeing in your bed, but we all know that’s totally out of the question. Or is it? .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
As someone whose bathroom is on the opposite side of his apartment I want to thank you for bringing attention to the closest thing I have to a plight.
In this cold dark world, what’s wrong with the warm embrace of your own urine? It’s sterile much like a lot of people and things these days lol
Worse: waking up an hour before your alarm is supposed to go off with the same dilemma.
This happens to me nearly every day now, it sucks. That last hour going back after it only translates into 10-15 mins of sleep
I live this nightmare any time I drink. PGP
Spare me
Solo disco stick time > disco hall parties
Peeing after taking a shower is actually the worst thing in the world.
No, pooping is.
Only Somewhat related, but I still bang the hell out of that weird Foreign techno song “drank and drugs” from a disco piss snap of yours
Maybe pee before you get in bed
No thanks, Tom Hanks
No T Hanks
Keep a 32 oz gato bottle next to your bed and just throw it away in the morning
Please return to your cave, sir.