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I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there are just several aspects about my generation’s daily lives that the older generations simply will never understand. Your boss may never understand Snapchat. Your mom probably can’t comprehend how it takes you more than “just a few drinks” to feel any semblance of a buzz. Your uncle will never understand why you’d rather painstakingly order late night Chinese food through an app than just pick up the phone. Well, I got news for the generation Xers and the Baby Boomers. There are some things I’ll never understand about their generations and absolutely at the top of the list is their locker room etiquette.
If you’re over the age of, oh I don’t know, maybe 40, there’s a very strong chance your locker room etiquette is really fucked up. It is so nuts on levels that would make Kanye cringe.
Maybe things run differently in a women’s locker room – I wouldn’t know because they closed up the peephole pretty quickly – but every men’s locker room I’ve been in since college is like tale of two cities, Hatfield and McCoys kind of divided. In fair Verona where we lay our scene, but the two households (generations) are not alike in dignity. I guess I would say there are two huge infractions the older generations commit on a consistent basis, and the ultimate form of locker room treason is when these two infractions cross paths. Let’s digest.
Psycho behavior numbah one: the older generation loves to talk in the locker room. LOVES the locker room chit chat; gabbing it up like they’re on The View. And it’s freakin’ weird. I’ve observed this behavior extensively like I was Jane fucking Goodall, and my initial findings illustrated that this behavior was only reserved to the older guys in the locker room who knew each other. Boy was I wrong. I was recently in the locker room and all of a sudden some AARP bro comes over to me and starts engaging me in conversation. Like, what about me was giving off the “up for a chat” vibe? I was in the middle of taking off my work clothes and putting on my gym clothes. Nothing about that is saying “come say hi.” Absolutely nothing.
Time is precious in this world we live in. Attention is at a premium. If I’m going to click your link, it better have a damn good headline, and if I’m going to talk to a complete stranger it better be a Mount Saint Helens lava hot level female. And I’m not going to find that in the Boston Sports Clubs men’s locker room with my pants around my ankles. Just leave me alone. But the stranger talk is so minor compared to the biggest looney tune behavior I see from the older generations.
Old dudes love nudity. They have absolute zero modesty. Negative 273 Celsius modesty. And I don’t know if it’s one of these natural selection type situations, but old people just have small dicks. That’s #factsonly. Me, the guy with the normal sized schmeckle, should be the one who doesn’t mind whipping it out in front of a room full of wrinkly, sweating, Orville Redenbachers. But somehow it’s the opposite. These guys I guess are too old to care about their tic tac dicks, and that’s great. But when their thimble penises get in my line of sight, my mind starts to race like John Nash. “Will my dick shrink to that size? Is that what getting old is like? How many years left with a cock right in the middle of the bell curve do I have?” It’s locker room mental dick terrorism and it just has to stop. There’s no reason why these guys can’t just throw a towel around their waist when they’re moving about the room.
And when the generational gap reaches the pinnacle of its differences – we’re talking a Mariana Trench-level gap – it is when an old naked ass comes over to you to strike up a chit chat when you have briefly taken out your headphones so you can change into your gym clothes. It’s a scenario that keeps me up at night with cold sweats and I hope to God our generation, as we age, phases out this abhorrent locker room behavior. It’s on us, guys. Our generation was given great locker room power. Now, it’s our responsibility not to turn into those crazy old freaks that make me want to just change my clothes in my car..
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Old man once yelled at us in middle school for giving titty-twisters before he showed us his chest which had one nipple ripped clean off.
That must have been an insane titty-twister to rip off an entire nipple.
I’ll tell you this much – haven’t attempted one since.
Locker room etiquette being ‘nuts’. PGP
It’s shocking how used to old man dick you get when you swim a lot.
That came out wrong
no it didn’t
21st century you do you. no judgement
I had to share a shower with Afghans while deployed. If you think this shit is fucked up….
No, you finish that damn thought. Can’t just trail off after a statement like that.
We need stories
Tell deFries to publish my shit.
Just kidding Will, love you.
Thoughts on Treetops resort? Considering taking the wife there next year….
Come on Max, everyone knows your dick and balls are inverse. The older you get the more your balls sag, causing the dick to shrink
The fat pad probably starts growing and you lose more of your dick appearance, too.
Stock photo woman in the background: would. Stock photo woman in the foreground: put some scotches in me and we’ll talk.
If this is how the final judgement works I might want to try a different religion.
Old guy and daily regular at the local gym was standing nude just inside the locker room entrance with his leg propped up on a bench Captain Morgan-style. The image is burned into my memory. I’m still cautious whenever making that first turn into the locker room.
Kind of a power move though
IT HAPPENED AGAIN THIS MORNING
“WHO’S YOUR DADDY!?!?!”
Old guys are social in the locker room because it’s one of the few places where there’s no women around. I, for one, have fully embraced old man locker room etiquette. There’s nothing like using out-dated euphemisms to talk about attractive women while in a 180 degree sauna with some old-timers. You stand to learn a thing or two as well
Yeah, that was my guess, too. A locker room is one of the only “man zone” spaces left in our society (Well, considering recent bathroom laws, who knows for how much longer…) And these older married guys don’t get as much bro time as younger single guys, who take that for granted. They also grew up back when guys took showers together in school, etc. and nudity in that context wasn’t a big deal. Now, we are a generation obsessed with porn and supposed sexual liberation, and yet our man of the hour here, who has an avg sized wang and a better physique, is the insecure one. That’s as strange as the old dude pulling the Cpt. Morgan stance at the front door. Two extremes, imo.
Walking out of the shower I had one older gentleman stop directly in front of me, reach over to grab some lotion off the sink, and then proceed to apply said lotion to his legs. Mind you he’s standing in the middle of the walkway, applying lotion using the keep-your-legs-straight-and-touch-your-toes stretch motion. Full on old man back scrote.
Small talk often happens when the same group of guys work out at the same time everyday, usually the morning crew. You just eventually feel like you know the guys. One thing in common between all ages in my gym’s locker room is the small talk stops as soon as a someone is naked and picks back up once they’re covered.
I used to be team no one should be naked for longer than 2 seconds before they’re covered with a towel. Then I thought for a minute about how disgusting it was to spend 45 minutes on a treadmill, wrap a towel around the sweatiest/nastiest part of my body, and then use that same towel to dry off once I get out of the shower.