The Ultimate Fictional Baseball All Star Team

The Ultimate Fictional Baseball All Star Team

Is there anything better than a good baseball movie? Probably, but usually a good baseball flick makes for a solid watch, hence why there’s so many of them. While they aren’t all Oscar worthy, they all field an interesting cast of characters, and many a time someone has said “what characters would make up the best fictional baseball team?” Per a tweet request, and as a die-hard baseball fan, I’m throwing my hat into the ring but giving myself a few standards to set the team by.

1. Must be an adult
– This means no Benny the Jet or Kelly Leak. Yeah, they were great, but they were 12 years old. How’s the best kid from your little league doing right now?

2. Must be realistic
– This means no Steve Nebraska striking out 27 in a row from The Scout. I’m a sports movie realist so I can’t stand that movie.

3. Must be fictional
– No Shoeless Joe, no Babe Ruth, no Ty Cobb.

4. I have to have seen the movie
– I don’t endorse what I don’t know, but luckily, I’ve seen my fair share of baseball flicks.

5. Has to be the version of the character we saw in the movie
– Yeah, Billy Chapel threw a perfecto in For the Love of the Game, but don’t forget that he was on his last legs and throwing 80-poo.

I’m making a winner here, so it’s not necessarily the best players, and clubhouse chemistry comes into effect. Also, the more essential to the plot, the more preference they are granted. I want stars, not background characters.

C – Crash Davis (Kevin Costner/Bull Durham)
You were expecting someone else? Crash is salty as shit and still has some pop left. He handles your pitching staff and is the leader of that clubhouse from day one to take care of the assholes I’m following him up with.

1B – Stan Ross (Bernie Mac/Mr. 3000)
I don’t want pansy ass “team player” Stan that you see most of the movie. I want that asshole from the beginning who rakes and takes his 3000th hit away from a kid. I don’t care how much of a dick he is, he’s clearly redeemable, and he’s got a sweet lefty swing.

2B – Mickey Dominguez (Wilmer Valerrama/Summer Catch)
Slim pickins at 2nd base, but he’s Fez and he bangs his host mom; I can’t really go wrong with that.

3B – Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen/Major League)
Really wanted to go a different direction here, but you can’t deny that the guy turned it on in the second half for the Indians. Plus, he overlooked (for the most part) the fact that his team’s closer had just boned his wife and instead focused on winning the pennant. Love that in the clubhouse.

SS – Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (Pablo P. Vitar/The Sandlot)
No, this isn’t the pre-teen. This is the badass who stole home for the Dodgers while rocking a filthy mustache, and this team is going to be built around respecting a good mustache.

RF – Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford/The Natural)
Before you say Hobbs isn’t realistic, realize that he’s essentially Josh Hamilton’s 2010 season. Guy falls out of baseball for years, then finds his way back in the show and lights the league on fire as a 5-tool stud. Not to mention his season was temporarily derailed because he was chasing the wrong piece of ass. How realistic is that?

CF – Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes/Major League)
Have to hope that Hayes balls out and swipes 100 bags during the team’s first year because inevitably he will regress and turn into Omar Epps.

LF – Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes/The Fan)
This is Hayes on steroids and I love it. Only real concern is who he chooses to invite into his home and who does his taxes.

SP – Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross/Major League)
Dudes soft tossing it up there with every foreign substance he can find, and I love it. You need a salty “if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin” vet on the staff.

SP – Nuke Laloosh (Tim Robbins/Bull Durham)
Throws gas? Check. A little quirky? Check. Bangs out Susan Sarandon for an entire summer? Check. He’s in.

SP – Chet “Rocket” Steadman (Gary Busey/Rookie of the Year)
I love vets, and frankly, I’m too afraid to leave him off incase Gary Busey reads this.

SP – Eric Van Leemer (Corey Pearson/Summer Catch)
You thought I’d take FPJ’s Ryan Dunne? Nah, I’ll take the guy who gives so few fucks that he turned down $2 mill from the Dodgers, bought the tackiest flame covered glove in history, and burned down the fucking concession stand in a matter of a few months. Also still found time to dominate the Cape.

SP – Ryan Dunne (Freddie Prinze Jr/Summer Catch)
Okay, so maybe I did have to get him, but give me a break. The rotation needed a lefty and he took down Jessica Biel, plus threw 8 perfect innings in the Cape.


Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Charlie Sheen/Major League)
Kenny Powers (Danny McBride/Eastbound & Down)
John “Blackout” Gatling (Bradley Jay Lesley/Little Big League)

You’re looking at a bullpen that would make the Royals current lights-out arms look like a bunch of little leaguers, and then proceed to make them beer bong a bottle of Everclear in the middle of a 3-night orgy. These guys will have the pen looking like skid row in the dog days of summer, and I don’t think you want anything less out of your closers. The 9th inning goes to whoever is most sober on that day.

I’d prefer Crash to player-manage, but if that’s frowned upon, we are sending that gig Lou Brown’s way if he’s not too busy on another call asking for some white walls. If you want to know where the bench players are, decide your own, because I’m only concerned with guys getting playing time. Debate this all you want, but this team is a winner.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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