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Is there anything better than a good baseball movie? Probably, but usually a good baseball flick makes for a solid watch, hence why there’s so many of them. While they aren’t all Oscar worthy, they all field an interesting cast of characters, and many a time someone has said “what characters would make up the best fictional baseball team?” Per a tweet request, and as a die-hard baseball fan, I’m throwing my hat into the ring but giving myself a few standards to set the team by.
1. Must be an adult
– This means no Benny the Jet or Kelly Leak. Yeah, they were great, but they were 12 years old. How’s the best kid from your little league doing right now?
2. Must be realistic
– This means no Steve Nebraska striking out 27 in a row from The Scout. I’m a sports movie realist so I can’t stand that movie.
3. Must be fictional
– No Shoeless Joe, no Babe Ruth, no Ty Cobb.
4. I have to have seen the movie
– I don’t endorse what I don’t know, but luckily, I’ve seen my fair share of baseball flicks.
5. Has to be the version of the character we saw in the movie
– Yeah, Billy Chapel threw a perfecto in For the Love of the Game, but don’t forget that he was on his last legs and throwing 80-poo.
I’m making a winner here, so it’s not necessarily the best players, and clubhouse chemistry comes into effect. Also, the more essential to the plot, the more preference they are granted. I want stars, not background characters.
C – Crash Davis (Kevin Costner/Bull Durham)
You were expecting someone else? Crash is salty as shit and still has some pop left. He handles your pitching staff and is the leader of that clubhouse from day one to take care of the assholes I’m following him up with.
1B – Stan Ross (Bernie Mac/Mr. 3000)
I don’t want pansy ass “team player” Stan that you see most of the movie. I want that asshole from the beginning who rakes and takes his 3000th hit away from a kid. I don’t care how much of a dick he is, he’s clearly redeemable, and he’s got a sweet lefty swing.
2B – Mickey Dominguez (Wilmer Valerrama/Summer Catch)
Slim pickins at 2nd base, but he’s Fez and he bangs his host mom; I can’t really go wrong with that.
3B – Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen/Major League)
Really wanted to go a different direction here, but you can’t deny that the guy turned it on in the second half for the Indians. Plus, he overlooked (for the most part) the fact that his team’s closer had just boned his wife and instead focused on winning the pennant. Love that in the clubhouse.
SS – Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (Pablo P. Vitar/The Sandlot)
No, this isn’t the pre-teen. This is the badass who stole home for the Dodgers while rocking a filthy mustache, and this team is going to be built around respecting a good mustache.
RF – Roy Hobbs (Robert Redford/The Natural)
Before you say Hobbs isn’t realistic, realize that he’s essentially Josh Hamilton’s 2010 season. Guy falls out of baseball for years, then finds his way back in the show and lights the league on fire as a 5-tool stud. Not to mention his season was temporarily derailed because he was chasing the wrong piece of ass. How realistic is that?
CF – Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes/Major League)
Have to hope that Hayes balls out and swipes 100 bags during the team’s first year because inevitably he will regress and turn into Omar Epps.
LF – Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes/The Fan)
This is Hayes on steroids and I love it. Only real concern is who he chooses to invite into his home and who does his taxes.
SP – Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross/Major League)
Dudes soft tossing it up there with every foreign substance he can find, and I love it. You need a salty “if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin” vet on the staff.
SP – Nuke Laloosh (Tim Robbins/Bull Durham)
Throws gas? Check. A little quirky? Check. Bangs out Susan Sarandon for an entire summer? Check. He’s in.
SP – Chet “Rocket” Steadman (Gary Busey/Rookie of the Year)
I love vets, and frankly, I’m too afraid to leave him off incase Gary Busey reads this.
SP – Eric Van Leemer (Corey Pearson/Summer Catch)
You thought I’d take FPJ’s Ryan Dunne? Nah, I’ll take the guy who gives so few fucks that he turned down $2 mill from the Dodgers, bought the tackiest flame covered glove in history, and burned down the fucking concession stand in a matter of a few months. Also still found time to dominate the Cape.
SP – Ryan Dunne (Freddie Prinze Jr/Summer Catch)
Okay, so maybe I did have to get him, but give me a break. The rotation needed a lefty and he took down Jessica Biel, plus threw 8 perfect innings in the Cape.
Bullpen:
Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Charlie Sheen/Major League)
Kenny Powers (Danny McBride/Eastbound & Down)
John “Blackout” Gatling (Bradley Jay Lesley/Little Big League)
You’re looking at a bullpen that would make the Royals current lights-out arms look like a bunch of little leaguers, and then proceed to make them beer bong a bottle of Everclear in the middle of a 3-night orgy. These guys will have the pen looking like skid row in the dog days of summer, and I don’t think you want anything less out of your closers. The 9th inning goes to whoever is most sober on that day.
I’d prefer Crash to player-manage, but if that’s frowned upon, we are sending that gig Lou Brown’s way if he’s not too busy on another call asking for some white walls. If you want to know where the bench players are, decide your own, because I’m only concerned with guys getting playing time. Debate this all you want, but this team is a winner..
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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Pablo Sanchez (Backyard Baseball)
The game description of Pablo “Pablo does not speak any English, it seems. But he knows the language of baseball and knows it well. Simply put, this kid is good”
Pablo Sanchez is a baseball legend and deserves his own post, not just thrown in with some other guys.
*starts writing furiously
“That means no Benny the Jet.”
*Includes Benny the Jet on the list
The movie may not be realistic, but George Knox is a hell of manager
In this gif you have an angry George Knox (played by Danny Glover) from angels in the outfield. In the start of the Gif you see a picnic style spread lunch on a table accompanied with red and blue solo cups (their team colors) and two salad bowls. Knox angrily walks over and the flips the glorious picnic spread as the overweight catcher looks on in dismay. This gif shows Knox passion and fire as a manger proving his ability to motivate his team to rally and really light a fire under their ass. However many speculate him of cheating by videoing other teams coaches and practices and allowing the use of PED’s in his clubhouse rather than his story of actually angels in the outfield. These speculations have always been an asterisk on his miraculous turn-around year with the Anaheim Angels that fateful 1994 season.
Crash, If you build it, they will come.
No Pedro Cerrano (Major League) ? Guy’s an absolute power house. Not to mention that you pissed off Jobu and will now have bad luck for the next 60 years.
No doubt that Cerrano is your DH, but I would have a hard time starting him over Roy Hobbs in right field.
But Pedro did struggle with the curve ball.
Really? You’re really leaving out Mel Clark (Tony Danza/Angels in the Outfield)?!?! For shame.
Gotta root for a guy who rips heaters in the dugout mid inning
You’re crazy to overlook Jack Elliot (Tom Selleck) from Mr. Baseball at 1B. He’s a veteran’s veteran – gets his job taken away on the Yankees by Ricky Davis (played by Frank Thomas), then successfully parlays a five-year career in Japan into another contract with the Dodgers. Plus, every locker room needs more Selleck.
Also, and these are the author’s words, “this team is going to be built around respecting a good mustache”
I like to live in a world where Mr. Baseball is a prequel to Major League. Max “Hammer Dubois leaves Japan and winds up playing in Latin America, starts juicing, shaves his head and changes his name to “Pedro Cerrano” and reinvents himself.
Let’s not forget that The Janitor from Scrubs executed the hell out of the hidden ball trick in Rookie of the Year. He’s got my vote for 1B.
A respectable team you’ve assembled here. The only quaff I have is with Crash at catcher. If you’re trying to assemble a winner here (and you’re sticking to your guns about them being the player they were in the movie), how can you select Crash who was a career minor leaguer and is hanging on in Single A for the sole purpose of just being a mentor? Don’t get me wrong I love Crash and all, but I honestly think that talent wise you could almost pick anyone else from a movie and they would be an improvement. Even though he is hated I’d have to go with Jack Parkman on talent.
Give me sweet swinging Lou Collins over Stan Ross any day of the week.
Lou is first man up if I had made a bench, trust me. Growing up as a Twins fan Lou was my third favorite player. That’s how bad things were in the late 90’s.
you guys won a pennant in the 90s
I’m aware, I watched the ’91 series VHS daily as a kid while the late-90’s teams were getting shitcanned.