Labor Day Weekend was a big step in my relationship. Both of my parents are in the process of selling their homes (which are still filled with all of my things), and fearing that they would “accidentally” throw away my dearest possessions, I decided to fly home to visit them/keep an eye on my stuff. I also decided to invite my girlfriend to come home with me. We had both wanted to take a trip lately, and I figured my parents deserved to see me bring a girl home that wasn’t a psychopath for once.
All in all, the weekend was amazing. We got day drunk and watched college football on Saturday, got day-drunk at my buddy’s beachside mansion on Sunday, and had some
great interesting conversations with my parents. Here’s the breakdown of the weirdest questions they threw at my poor girlfriend.
1. Did you grow up on a farm?
Come on, Dad. I know we’re as California as they come, but you can’t just ask someone if they grew up on a farm just because she’s from Pennsylvania. I mean, yes, I know she did grow up on a farm, but that was just a lucky guess. I bet you regret asking her what kind of animals she had, though. Enjoy getting a name breakdown of every single one of her cats, dogs, donkeys, goats, horses, and ponies. That’s valuable memory space you’ll never get back.
2. Have you ever thought about moving to California?
Mom! We’ve been dating for five months – you can’t start asking serious questions like this. Also, give me a chance to show her how dope it is here and butter her up first. Don’t just put her on high alert like that. And don’t think she didn’t notice the meaningful look you gave me as you asked this question. Obviously, I love California and I want to move back eventually, but there’s no need to get the ball rolling now.
3. Were you raised religiously Christian?
Fine, I’m sorry for the look I gave you after this question. I know it’s a harmless question to learn more about my girlfriend’s life, but I also know it’s a precursor to you seeing if she would convert to Judaism. Get it together, Mom. You’re as transparent as that white wine you’ve been chugging. Also, how are you still holding out hope that I’m going to bring home a nice Jewish girl? Every girl I’ve brought home has been a perfect Aryan specimen, why would this one be any different?
4. Why aren’t you eating the food? Is it not good?
Don’t you drag my girlfriend into your sick mind games. I’ve been hearing this question my entire life, whether I eat one bite or four platefuls. There is no satisfying a Jewish mother when it comes to eating her food. The reason we’re not eating is because you made literally twelve different dishes, and while they are all delicious, the human stomach can only fit so much. Also, we’re pretty hungover, but we’ll never admit that.
5. Has Nick told you the story of how he ended up in the hospital after trying to impress a girl?
Goddammit, Dad. We had a clear discussion that all events which occurred between the ages of 12 and 16 would be a closed book for this weekend. You wipe that shit-eating grin off your face. Don’t you dare tell that story. Don’t you – son of a bitch, fine if it’s going to get told, at least let me do it justice. I hate you. Thank you for paying for dinner.
6. Would you like to see the picture album from our family trip to Mexico?
Dad! I was 14 in these photos. We had a deal. I’m sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the sound of my girlfriend laughing uncontrollably at my haircut. Babe, long hair was in at the time, it wasn’t just me! Stop laughing – it’s not even that funny. Whatever. I hate both of you.
7. So you two met over the Internet?
I know I shouldn’t get mad at you for your technology illiteracy, but don’t think I don’t hear the tone of voice you’re asking that question in. We met over a dating app, Mom. I wasn’t just trolling Craigslist personals for some anonymous tail. No, it wasn’t Tinder. I would never bring home a Tinder girl. I respect this house too much. Yes, “meeting online” is how the kids are doing it nowadays, there’s no need to be so judgmental. Where did you and Dad meet? On the pier at sunset? Shit, that’s romantic. I have no further questions.
8. So you’re coming back for Thanksgiving right?
Whoa, pump the brakes there, pops. Like I said, it’s been five months. Also, I’m sure she has her own family to see over Thanksgiving. Yes, I know Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday, but I think that’s how 90 percent of people feel. Wait, we’re doing Thanksgiving at the Mexico house this year? Shit, yeah, I’m sure she’ll be able to find time to come.
9. Your little sister is getting married? Uh oh, you’ve got to catch up!
Thanks, Mom. Thanks. Super excited for this seven-hour trip back to Chicago now. I’m sure that nugget of an insight has never crossed her mind. We definitely won’t be having the long discussion about my intentions and our future plans now. How much is it to upgrade just one seat to first class?
You’re killing me. Just “kids?” Are you asking if she wants them? If she has them? No, I know what you’re asking. I’m just desperately trying to talk my way out of this conversation. I’m 24 years old. Tighten it up. No more questions. We’re going to drink with my friends. Thank you for lunch. No, the food was great, we’re just full! Bye, Mom. Love you too. .
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