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I have a great group of guy friends. But I’ve had more drama with these testosterone-laden, beer-filled dudes than the bitchy girls from my high school days.
I met this gaggle last year when I was new to the city. Not knowing many people, they were my go-to for weekend plans. I knew one of them better than the others and felt especially comfortable with him. Since he always kept his eyes at eye level, I could rest assured that he wouldn’t try to make a move. It is for this reason and this reason only, that I never hesitated to ask if he wanted to come with me to an event or a movie.
Of course, his buddies immediately insisted that I had a crush on him. To make matters more complicated, this guy started to date someone who was under the same impression. Suddenly, I was becoming paranoid that any innocuous text would be misconstrued as flirting, so I backed off fast. But in doing so, I ended up becoming best friends with his roommate. Turns out, the roommate and I had a lot in common, namely our mutual boredom.
Cut to a few months later: the roommate and I are slurring-our-words-drunk at a charity event. He tells me he has feelings for me and before I know it, we’re kissing on the dance floor. The friend in me wanted to appease him, do everything in my power to spare his feelings. But the person in me had no interest in getting naked with this guy. I love him, but not like that. Eventually, I mustered up the courage to tell him some variation of that truth. And by “variation” I mean I lied and told him, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
Somehow or another, our friendship survived that horribly awkward moment. But just when things were starting to settle down, the roommates’ childhood friend (also known as a most charming womanizer) enters the picture. I never particularly liked this guy until recently. And unfortunately, I’m intrigued.
If this guy were any other, I might test the waters and see where it could go. But if I attempted to date the womanizer, it would crush my best friend and I just can’t do that to him.
As much as I want to be friends with guys, it’s never free of complications. My girlfriends tell me that I need to make it clear from the start that I’m only looking for a friendship. But deep down, I secretly (and ironically) worry that if a guy knows for certain that a relationship/sex is off the table, he won’t want to be friends with me anymore. .
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You’ll be wishing you got naked with ‘roommate’ as soon as he starts dating someone new.
talk about a #humblebrag…
It seems like all of this is your fault.
1st guy – shouldn’t have asked him out if you weren’t into him
2nd guy – shouldn’t have lied to your “best friend”
3rd guy – shouldn’t be pursuing a guy who couldn’t give a shit
Trust me; I’ve been all 3 guys.
Hey Kendra, I think we found a new friend for you!
^ Plot Twist: This is her “rebranding”
At least it’s not a list.
I think you might be the common denominator in this particular equation.
Halfway through I had to scroll up to see if I had unwittingly started reading a Kendra article.
GUYS ARE ONLY TRULY PLATONIC FRIENDS WITH THEIR FRIEND’S GIRLFRIENDS. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP OUT OF THIS REALM. The faster everyone realizes this, the better.
Correction, there is no such thing as a truely platonic friendship with a female that a male finds attractive. If you throw that out of the equation it is completely possible.
I’m glad someone pointed this out, this is so true… platonic doesn’t work when there’s any attraction but it can work if that isn’t there
Exactly, everyone else is either someone you are secretly chasing or a backup plan if you decide to settle. But you can have really good friendships with your friends wives/girlfriends. Especially if you and your friends significant other are good at making fun of said friend together.
I’m not sure why this should matter to women though, as long as the friendships are fairly casual.
You should bang all of them
Let’s hold off on the scorched earth move for the time being.
Three months from now: All of the guys realize the tension in their friendship is directly tied to me.
Four months from now: They don’t respond to my texts.
You opened up a giant can of worms here.
First, I’d like to expound on what ICF and Guntherfelt said: I once told a female friend of mine, “It’s certainly possible for men and women to be friends. Just don’t kid yourself, given the chance, we will totally bang you.” I’ll caveat that with we must find you attractive. And typically, guys don’t continue to hang out with girls we don’t find at least a bit attractive. This is not to say that we have feelings for you. Again, don’t kid yourself, just because we’ll sleep with you and we value you as a friend doesn’t mean we see ourselves with you. The only reason we are platonic with our friends girlfriends is this: We either find you unattractive, or, more likely, place more value on our male friendship than we place on sleeping with you.
Also, you’re right. We wouldn’t want to be friends with you if we knew that sex was off the table. For one simple reason: if we want to be men and just hang out, we’ll do that with our male friends. We dial it down around you girls, even if you want us to “be ourselves” and it’s exhausting.
As for you being attracted to the womanizer… of course you were. Saw it coming before I even read it. In general, women aren’t interested in having sex with men with whom other women aren’t interested in having sex. In other words: You find your platonic guy friends to be Betas, the womanizer is an Alpha, and women always want to fuck the Alpha.
It sounds to me like you feel that women are valuable friends primarily within the context of sex and how attractive you find them. But You value your friendships with men enough to respect their girlfriends. You can’t respect women outside of the context of their relationships with men you value? Uh…. Ok. It’s a shame that you can only find inherent value in men whereas a woman’s value is contingent upon if there is potential and desire for sex.
Eh, being attracted to one sex and not the other throws a huge wrench in the equality dynamic of friendships people foster. I don’t think he’s saying he doesn’t respect women for anything other than their sexual value, but that’s a huge variable in play when people decide to associate with each other.
Bingo. Respect and attraction are mutually exclusive.
That’s not what he said.
I will now vacate my previous arguments in your favor. Can’t tell if troll or serious.
What I mean is that you can respect someone without being attracted to them and vice versa. People respect plenty of other people they aren’t attracted and are attracted to people they don’t respect. Why do you think people will cheat on each other or hate fuck someone? Additionally, this isn’t a conscious thing. Both men and women immediately judge one another’s physical appearance within seconds of seeing them. If you judged someone to be attractive, it is more likely you will be willing to engage in conversation with that person and thus pursue a friendship.
According to him men will rarely build friendships with women that they don’t find attractive because in order for the relationship to be meaningful the potential or desire for sex must be there (unless she is attached to a man of value).
I understand that train of thought if you’re screening for partners but pursuing friendships with women exclusively you’re attracted to does call into question what you value in women. If you all truly believe that a man can’t or won’t pursue or maintain a meaningful with a me member of the opposite sex if outside of the context of how she looks and her relationship status, fine… But call it what it is.