Cuffing season is over, folks, and you know what that means. Breakup season. Apparently, my friends take these seasons very seriously because I recently had to council another friend through a breakup. And it was not an amicable “we’ll always stay friends breakup.” It was a knockdown, drag-out scream-fest, and because of this, he came to me for advice. At this point, my friends know what kind of advice I give. He didn’t come to because he wanted to know how to work things out with his former lover, and he certainly didn’t come to me because he wanted to end things peacefully. He came to me asking how to win the breakup, and I gave him the same advice I’ll give you.
1. Never be dumped.
While this is a simple concept, the execution takes equal parts self-awareness and no desire to work things out. You must have an accurate read on the pulse of your relationship and be willing to cut ties and burn all bridges at any moment.
Don’t sugarcoat things or lie to yourself. If you think your partner may be gearing up to break up with you, do it first. If you catch them actually using their gym membership and getting in better shape, it’s because they’re planning on being single again. Break up with them. You catch your man hiding his phone screen from you? Dump his ass. You see that your girlfriend scored low on a Cosmo “relationship test”? It’s over; pull the parachute. Even if you get blindsided and can only beat the breakup by a few seconds, you need to do it. If they start a sentence with “I just feel as though we’re stuck in a rut and need to grow on our own, and I think-,” cut them off with a brisk, “I’m breaking up with you.” Breaking up is like basketball; there’s a winner and a loser, and buzzer beaters count.
2. Unfollow them on social media.
You’ll notice I didn’t say block them. This is a huge distinction. If you block them, neither of you can see what the other is doing. You’ll both find it easier to not think about each other, and it will help you make a clean and healthy breakup. You’re not here for that shit; you’re here to win.
If you unfollow them, you get all the security of not seeing what they’re up to, while still rubbing your awesome new single lifestyle in their face. Sure, it’s hard to go cold turkey and not know what they’re up to at all, but it will all be worth it when you’re the one who receives the “I miss you” text. Unfollowing your ex says, “I don’t care about you, but I’m not angry at you and need to block you.”
3. Stunt your new lifestyle.
Being single after a long relationship sucks. You don’t know how to flirt anymore, first dates are an awkward nightmare, and you’re attempting to move on and “enjoy being single” while still harboring feelings for your ex.
That’s why you fake it ‘til you make it.
Flaunt your single-ness on social media, but don’t scream for attention. The key is to have a few quality posts over many average posts. Three forced pictures of you and what are clearly uncomfortable strangers mixed with five subtweets and a drunken 140-second Snapchat story makes you look sad. One quality Instagram of you and your friends and one blurry Snapchat video of you and an attractive person shows that you’re crushing it. The more you leave to the imagination, the more your ex is going to assume the worst.
Sure, in reality, you and the boys spent most of the time surrounding that picture talking you through the breakup and the blurry girl you were dancing with on video is your cousin’s married friend, but they don’t have to know that. In your ex’s head, you took that girl home and made sweet love by moonlight, pausing only to laugh about how much you’ve upgraded from them.
4. Start dating someone new.
The only true way to decide the winner of a breakup is by who is in a new relationship first. It doesn’t have to be a good relationship. Or a desirable one. Or hell, even a real one. It just has to be first. That friend who’s always had a thing for you that you never found attractive? Now it’s her time to shine. The random guy you met at a Latin bar who may or may not desperately need a Green Card? You best husband him up, ASAP. Federal prison is a small price to pay for winning a breakup – the judge will understand.
5. Get way hotter.
I’m not talking about dedicating yourself to months of training and eating healthy and all that shit. I’m talking about making them think you got way hotter. Only post pictures where you’re looking like a nine or above. If you’re naturally a six, this is going to take some work. Hire a wedding photographer to follow you around and take flattering shots of you at the bar. Drop several thousand dollars on Adobe Creative Suite and Photoshop lessons and make every picture you post look like an Abercrombie/Victoria Secret’s model.
If they blocked you on social media, get creative. Send them a full-sized cardboard cutout of you and your new (digitally enhanced) body. Make sure to show them you’ve matured emotionally as well by adding a motion-activated speaker that plays the sound of you crying on loop. If they changed their address for whatever reason, just use the rumor mill to get to them. Start a rumor that you lost 20 pounds and gained a six pack while adding three inches of girth to your dick. If you spread your propaganda to all their friends and family, your ex will hear about it and realize their mistake in no time.
6. Get a restraining order first.
Much like being the person to dump the other, being the first to get a restraining order makes you the winner. Show them how crazy they’re being by beating them to the punch. If anyone tries to hand you an envelope, don’t accept it. Instead, tear it in half and yell, “I’m not the crazy one! They’re the one who needs to be restrained!” Then write your own restraining order on the pieces of envelope and demand the delivery person serve them it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a random stranger holding an envelope or your everyday mailman. They’ll understand that you’re winning the breakup, and will be happy to help you out.
7. Go to jail.
Everyone likes a bad boy. You’ll be getting “I made a mistake letting you go” calls on your collect phone in no time. .
Image via YouTube