The Pros and Cons of Living With An Older Woman

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I write a lot about my relationship. Half of my pieces are about the Capital R Roommate and the other half are about traveling for work.

The sad fact of the matter is that that’s about it for JR. Now that I’m a full-fledged adult, the majority of my time is split between those two things. Occasionally, I go up on stage and dance around like a monkey for the temporary approval of strangers, but that’s because I have Mommy issues.

How else do I know I have Mommy issues? Well I’m dating a woman four years my senior. That’s right, the Capital R Roommate and I are on opposite sides of 30. There are definitely some advantages and disadvantages to living with an older woman, as far as I can tell.

Pro: I get to skip that awful “finding herself” phase

This is by far and away the best part of our relationship. When we first got together (aka met blacked out drunk at XS in Vegas at 3 a.m., true story) she had a great career. I didn’t have to deal with her starting an internship or buying her first car or fucking off to Europe to get cultured. All of that had already happened. I can’t seem to get out of getting dragged back to Europe though.

Con: Early bedtimes

Where we’re the most diametrically opposite is in our sleep schedules. I only need 5-6 hours of sleep to function so I stay up until all hours watching West Coast basketball, shitty shows like Vinyl and writing about porn tours I’ve been on. She goes to sleep while the sun is still setting and can barely function if she gets anywhere less than 8 hours. She also wakes up half a dozen times a night, like a toddler.

Pro: This broad can COOK

When I lived in Chicago (Chi town get down) my diet consisted of pasta, pizza, chicken breasts, a loaf of bread and a gallon of beer. Now, I eat chicken curry with lentils, halibut, rice pilaf and goddamn apple glazed pork chop courtesy of my live in chef. And that’s just on a weeknight. What you know about gluten free flax seed blackberry and lemon waffles on the weekend? You know NOTHING Jon Snow. Which leads to…

Con: Our pop culture references don’t match up

Our age difference is a little over four years, so at no point were we ever in the same school system. When she was a freshman in college I was in eighth grade – needless to say, our sex lives at the time were pretty different. As well as our taste in movies, music and TV. I keep telling her, no, I never watched Saved By The Bell. I don’t Know What You Did Last Summer because I was ten and I was too busy playing Kick the Can and reading Goosebumps. Oh, you saw Metallica at the Forum when you were 16? At the time I was probably in trouble for downloading porn on the family Presario (for the third time).

Pro: Experience

I don’t need to show her how to do her taxes, change a tire or rent a car. Plus, since I’m the younger, cooler one, I can show her how Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram work (I still have no fucking idea how Snapchat works.) We both bring a wealth of useful knowledge to each other that we are too old, too young or too lazy to care about in the first place.

Con: Busted parts

Unfortunately, years of volleyball through college gave the Capital R bad knees and an elbow that sounds like it has gravel in it. Fortunately for her, I’m more of a Tin Man than she is, with the hip and low back of a geriatric. On this playing field we’re level and will probably end up riding around in Rascal Scooters by my mid 50’s/her early 60’s.

Pro: Furnished apartment

I moved to the West Coast with two suitcases and a box that contained everything that ever belonged to me. I was pumped because she had everything to furnish a shared one-bedroom apartment on her own. For the most part. The only things she wanted to update were the bed, dining room table, television, curtains, rugs, couch and a few chairs. Fuck me.

Con: She’s constantly at odds with her biological clock

They call SF Neverland, because adults living here never want to grow up. It’s also impossible to have children in this city because it costs four grand a month to rent a shoebox and there is no such thing as a backyard. Also, unlike conservative/stupid Midwestern girls the Capital R isn’t dumb enough to just start having kids because she’s able to. A lot of her friends living elsewhere have kids so her mentality constantly seesaws from, “I can’t wait to have one” to “I’d rather go to Italy.” Frankly, I agree. Shooting hoops with my son would be cool, but so would Warriors season tickets.

Pro/Con: She’s still a woman

There’s still a laundry list of schizoid female shit she does that doesn’t set her apart from any woman her age, my age or younger. She’s messy, emotional and adoringly calls me a cocksucker while waiting in line at Trader Joe’s. But that stuff comes with the territory. All in all if you had the chance to buy a vintage version of your favorite car I would recommend it. If you want half a dozen kids and to play in a sand volleyball league on the weekends, however, I’d look for someone younger than you. Try late night in Vegas..

Image via Shutterstock

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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• @JRwilldoit