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“Do you believe in predetermined destiny?”
That was a question that posed to me recently by a guy I had been talking to for a while, but never had the opportunity to go on an actual date with, due to my ridiculous travel schedule/complete lack of any free time. Rather than waiting around for me, he met someone else he really liked, and, after he broke the news that our text flirtation could be no more, I responded something along the lines of “It would have worked out if it was meant to be.” This led him to ask the question… which has lingered in my mind long after thoughts of that guy have fled.
So, do I believe in fate? Sure, he said “predetermined destiny,” but that’s just a fancy term for fate. Whatever words you use, my answer is, I’m not quite sure. Part of me wants to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I will never understand exactly what those reasons are. Why? Well, it’s comforting to think that there’s a higher power up there pulling the strings of my life, whether it be the Moirai (the Fates in Greek mythology) or my beloved deceased grandmother, both of whom would definitely make better life choices for me than I do. In the cases where good things happen, it’s nice to be able to look to the sky and thank whoever you believe in made them happen for you. And in the bad times…well, “it just wasn’t meant to be” is the ultimate soothing balm for jagged emotions. Either way, the idea that certain things happen simply because they were destined takes away some of the stress of making all of life’s decisions on your own. Instead, you can just leave it up to fate, and it will all work out…right?
But on the other hand, the very same reasons that make the premise romantic and comforting make it a double-edged sword, which is why I can’t just go all-in on fate. Leaving – or in some cases, blaming – everything up to destiny is the ultimate “get out of jail” free card. Think about it…
Last relationship didn’t work out? Fate would say it simply wasn’t meant to be, as opposed to examining your own role in its demise.
Didn’t get that job you wanted? It’s that you’re obviously just destined for better things, not that you should probably work on the interview skills.
That guy you wanted to date meets someone before your Tinder flirtation moves into real life? “It would have worked out if it was meant to be,” instead of “Well, I probably should have made more time in my schedule if I was really interested.”
So many of us attribute things to fate because it absolves us of any personal responsibility when it comes to our decisions, particularly the ones with bad outcomes.
So going back to my almost-boyfriend’s question: “Do you believe in predetermined destiny?” After careful consideration, the answer is most definitely yes. I believe there are some things that are certainly inevitable – like death, taxes, and Kim Kardashian taking at least one selfie a day. But, I think the more important point is that while I believe in fate, I don’t/won’t rely on it. At the end of the day, while fate most likely has a role, I have the power to control my own destiny. And while it’s a scary thought to take full responsibility for everything that happens, it’s an oddly powerful feeling..
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
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For people who believe everything happens for a reason, that reason is that they’re idiots who make shitty decisions.
Tell that to my 5 year old cousin that just won the battle against leukemia. No decision my aunt and uncle made could have caused, nor prevented, the hell that they went through for two years. Can’t really explain why stuff like that happens, but it didn’t come down to a decision an individual made.
I don’t think that what I said (or even the point of this column) really pertains to overcoming illnesses, random tragedies, unexpected deaths, or anything that’s a result of coincidence. It’s more of a reference to the examples in the column where people use ‘everything happens for a reason’ as an excuse for life not going their way, where it certaintly could have if they made better choices, worked harder, didn’t take the easy way out etc.
But that’s exactly the point. A friend of mine just saw his mom die after a 5 year battle with colon cancer. She didn’t do anything right or wrong to cause or not to cause it. Are good and bad things just a matter of coincidence or some kind of indication of a divine plan?
Sorry that they had to go through that but glad they made it through.
First of all, I’m glad your cousin is doing better and my thoughts are with your family. But I do want to say that your aunt and uncle did not leave the illness up fate. While there certainly are random and terrible things that we experience it is how we respond that denotes who we are and whether we believe in “fate.” Your family identified the problem, sought treatment, and gave your cousin the love and support he needed. This is a far cry from saying “he got cancer, it’s fate. If he’s meant to be healed, that too will be fate”
When you break it down to the root of the issue – the cause of all of the trials and tribulations was her getting this incredibly rare disease. “Everything Happens For A Reason” has some merit in that not everything is up to us. We don’t control EVERYTHING that happens in our lives. There are some things that do happen, for reasons we cannot explain or find logic in. Obviously we react react to said situations which play heavily into the end result, no one is arguing that. You’re an idiot if you standby and expect things to happen. We control our destiny to a certain extent by decisions we make, but I can’t say with confidence that we can control every aspect of our lives.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you acted like a dumbass.
I think fate is just an excuse people use to justify an outcome they didn’t like.
While I am fairly spiritual and do believe things happen for a reason, I also think that “fate” can be rewritten based on us, and our decisions.
Nothing is set in stone, there’s always several different outcomes.
I used to believe in fate but the older I’ve gotten, life is just what you make it. When shit hits the fan, “fate” doesn’t make things better. You pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and powering through does. Honestly I think so many people these days are in this weird limbo between thinking things just happen because they’re supposed to, and not giving themselves enough credit when they pull off something awesome. And as for the horrible things, they weren’t meant to be. Sometimes horrible things just happen and we do what we can to make lives lost, or situations that occur, have value. Maybe that’s depressing, but we have a lot more control over our lives than we realize. That’s just my opinion, anyway. Great article!
Amen.
I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it’s both. – Forrest Gump
Best column of yours. I’ve been in the same boat-being too busy and the guy finds someone else. I always remember if I was really that interested, I would’ve made the time. That usually helps me lose any fomo.
Sup?
Banking power couple in the making
Think I can find some time in my sched
Like always tacos and margs on me
Power pull in the comment section PGP
People use “fate” to give meaning to their past disappointments. All your pasts breakups didn’t happen so that you could meet the current love of your life. Your past breakups happened for other reasons (you were immature, long distance, whatever), and now congrats on meeting the love of your life but you may have met them regardless of those breakups. Or if you decided to go to that BBQ Saturday instead of the movies or whatever, you could have met someone even better.
A year ago I was happily dating “Joe” and remember thinking wow…. if I had never dated my ex “will” I wouldn’t have moved to North Carolina and gotten a job with the company that I eventually moved to my current city with, and I wouldn’t have ever met Joe! Then I realized I was just making up patterns after the fact. That I could have moved to this city regardless, or ran into Joe on a chance encounter, or have still dated will moved here and just gone to a different bar the night I met Joe and have never met him. We broke up as well, but now I realize it’s not fate or so I can meet whoever comes next. It’s because we didn’t work out. Period.
Everyone makes a million choices each day, and so does the rest of the world. These all pile up and impact where our lives go, but it’s not a set path like “fate” implies.
Sorry I may have taken too much vyvanse today….
Zero free time is a cop out. You spent two hours on the couch watching Netflix at least a few times when you could’ve gone out, I’m sure.
Guys, leave it to me to explain superstitious horseshit, okay. Nothing happens for a reason because reasoning is subjective. Also, nothing actually happens because we are placed in a simulation of consciousness and code that simulates a physical reality. Everything occurs in a spiral effect that ends up spinning into itself where the end meets the beginning and infinitely continues as new layers to the same dimension are formed. I’m a Non-PhD. I know stuff
Fate or predetermination is just another way of saying “timing” which I feel is a pretty accurate thing. It doesn’t mean something is going to fall into your lap that you’re not working towards, but something has to align in your efforts + someone else’s to meet someone and make a relationship work.