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What day is today? Humpday? No. No, goddamn it, Liz from my office who keeps trying to connect with me by sharing nine-month-old memes that finally made it to Facebook. The humpday camel was funny for 1.5 workdays, two years ago. It’s dead. Let it die. No, today is a much more special day. A day full of love, grand gestures, and flower shop owners just Scrooge-McDucking into piles of cash. It’s Valentine’s Day, baby. Get your romance on.
Go to your window right now and take a deep breath of air. No, I don’t care if you’ll look like a psycho in front of your coworkers. If your windows don’t open, congrats on working at a company that doesn’t trust you not to kill yourself. Sit this exercise out. Do you smell that scent in the air? It’s not the sweet velvety tones of Sears chocolates. It’s not the floral aroma of a million bouquets of roses. It’s not even the enchanting fragrance of love in the air. It’s something else. Something a little more potent. A little…funkier? That’s right, boys and girls. You’re breathing in the smell of sex.
Let the scent of sweat, bodily fluids, and unwashed sheets envelope you. Breathe it in deep. Sure, it’s pretty gross, but it’s what Valentine’s Day is all about. You think it’s about showering your partner in gifts, or professing your undying love? Fuck no. It’s about a good old-fashioned bone sesh. But not just any bone sesh. A bone sesh of the most romantic variety. Not your garden variety Tuesday-night fucking. Not some lazy spoon forking when you’re both too hungover on a Sunday morning. Not even a passionate Saturday night bang out, where one (or both, it’s 2018) get bent over a dresser because you’re still as hot for each other as you were when you were teenagers, and definitely not because you’re so drunk you’ll get the spins if you try to lie down on the bed. No, today’s sex is a different beast.
I’m talking missionary. I’m talking slow, sensual lovemaking. I’m talking about eye contact, holding each other in a warm embrace as you explore each other’s bodies inside and out and reach ecstasy together. I’m talking about breaking out that warming lube you bought eleven weeks ago and pretending it doesn’t make you feel like you put Icy Hot on your nards. Valentine’s Day sex, baby. Time to bring your A-game.
And what is you’re A-game without the right music? Sure, I usually agree that playing music during sex is kind of lame, but today? It’s okay to be a little cheesy. A perfect playlist is a tall task, however. It must be gentle, but not too passive. Grand, but not overpowering. Something you can sink into, but not lose yourself in. Something that enhances the moment, instead of taking away from it. Without further ado, I present the perfect Valentine’s Day Sex PlaylistTM.
1. My Boo, by Usher and Alicia Keys
Soft. Sensual. Romantic and nostalgic. Usher’s voice is a proven aphrodisiac for all women, and Alicia Keys’ singing is a commonly-used remedy in parts of the world without access to Viagra. With a track time of a three minutes and forty-three dreamy seconds, this song is the perfect length for the beginning, middle, and end of your lovemaking. Don’t be selfish. No one wants sex for over four minutes. That’s just exhausting for both parties. Set your Spotify, line up your iTunes, and tell Alexa it’s going down. Happy Valentine’s Night. .