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What day is today? Humpday? No. No, goddamn it, Liz from my office who keeps trying to connect with me by sharing nine-month-old memes that finally made it to Facebook. The humpday camel was funny for 1.5 workdays, two years ago. It’s dead. Let it die. No, today is a much more special day. A day full of love, grand gestures, and flower shop owners just Scrooge-McDucking into piles of cash. It’s Valentine’s Day, baby. Get your romance on.
Go to your window right now and take a deep breath of air. No, I don’t care if you’ll look like a psycho in front of your coworkers. If your windows don’t open, congrats on working at a company that doesn’t trust you not to kill yourself. Sit this exercise out. Do you smell that scent in the air? It’s not the sweet velvety tones of Sears chocolates. It’s not the floral aroma of a million bouquets of roses. It’s not even the enchanting fragrance of love in the air. It’s something else. Something a little more potent. A little…funkier? That’s right, boys and girls. You’re breathing in the smell of sex.
Let the scent of sweat, bodily fluids, and unwashed sheets envelope you. Breathe it in deep. Sure, it’s pretty gross, but it’s what Valentine’s Day is all about. You think it’s about showering your partner in gifts, or professing your undying love? Fuck no. It’s about a good old-fashioned bone sesh. But not just any bone sesh. A bone sesh of the most romantic variety. Not your garden variety Tuesday-night fucking. Not some lazy spoon forking when you’re both too hungover on a Sunday morning. Not even a passionate Saturday night bang out, where one (or both, it’s 2018) get bent over a dresser because you’re still as hot for each other as you were when you were teenagers, and definitely not because you’re so drunk you’ll get the spins if you try to lie down on the bed. No, today’s sex is a different beast.
I’m talking missionary. I’m talking slow, sensual lovemaking. I’m talking about eye contact, holding each other in a warm embrace as you explore each other’s bodies inside and out and reach ecstasy together. I’m talking about breaking out that warming lube you bought eleven weeks ago and pretending it doesn’t make you feel like you put Icy Hot on your nards. Valentine’s Day sex, baby. Time to bring your A-game.
And what is you’re A-game without the right music? Sure, I usually agree that playing music during sex is kind of lame, but today? It’s okay to be a little cheesy. A perfect playlist is a tall task, however. It must be gentle, but not too passive. Grand, but not overpowering. Something you can sink into, but not lose yourself in. Something that enhances the moment, instead of taking away from it. Without further ado, I present the perfect Valentine’s Day Sex PlaylistTM.
1. My Boo, by Usher and Alicia Keys
Soft. Sensual. Romantic and nostalgic. Usher’s voice is a proven aphrodisiac for all women, and Alicia Keys’ singing is a commonly-used remedy in parts of the world without access to Viagra. With a track time of a three minutes and forty-three dreamy seconds, this song is the perfect length for the beginning, middle, and end of your lovemaking. Don’t be selfish. No one wants sex for over four minutes. That’s just exhausting for both parties. Set your Spotify, line up your iTunes, and tell Alexa it’s going down. Happy Valentine’s Night. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
My 30 second jackhammer sesh requires no tunes, Nicky.
“Tequila” by The Champs
You know it, Hammy
Tell me why I laughed so hard when I got to the end of the article and it was one song. Nick’s humor might be my favorite
I usually like to put on the Lonely Island classic “Jizz in my Pants” during foreplay to set some expectations
I usually go with back that ass up
Gotta start it off with the Lil Wayne – Gettin Some Head
Classic.
Freaky Gurl by Gucci
I see you haters. That’s why you ain’t gonna sit front seat in the hummer
Pony by Ginuwine into Bump and Grind by R Kelly.
I named my college sex playlist “backdoor”. The playlist consists of 69 songs. I’m not proud of this.
Hopefully that thing was on shuffle or that’s a waste of 68 songs
When I made the playlist I just added “F*ck Her Gently” by Tenacious D 69 times
I’ll take any playlist that covers the sound of me crying
Into The Mystic – Van Morrison, All. Night. Long. Don’t @ me
Isbell has a cover that also wouldn’t be bad for some slow thrusting
Becky by Plies or I’m not in the mood
Only on sweet pwussy Saturday’s when I’m gettin in them suga walls
Damn… I’m adding that now
Snake farm – Ray Wylie Hubbard. Huge hit with the ladies
On R Kelly’s chocolate factory album, the original ignition goes right into the remix back to back. If you haven’t heard the original you best learn