======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and a half now, and yeah, it’s been awesome. I try new things, go on more trips, and get to get drunk on weeknights under the pretense of “date night.” All in all, I have no complaints, and I don’t miss anything about being single.
Well, that’s not true. There is one thing I miss – horrible first dates.
For the most part, first dates are a mixed bag. Seventy percent of the people you meet are somewhere on the scale from “definitely not compatible” to “I guess if I maintained a strong buzz for our whole relationship I could be okay with this.” People that aren’t super shitty, or mean, or insane, or make you fear for your life, but also aren’t someone you’re interested in. People, who when you describe them, you start the sentence with “They were really nice, but…” Just your standard first date, not-going-to-be-a-second-date-unless-I’m-really-lonely, type of people.
Then, there’s the twenty percent of people that you really hit it off with. They are funny, charming, and you get along like you’ve known each other for years. The people you build up in your head because they shine compared to all the okay dates you’ve been on. Maybe you call your mom right after and tell her to set an extra place at Thanksgiving. Maybe you text your friends saying you “found your soulmate.” Who knows, man. The dating game makes people go crazy. Of course, these people will probably ghost you, end up being married, or have a dog they refer to as a “fur baby,” so good luck dealing with that.
Finally, there’s my favorite ten percent. The horrible, scary, socially awkward, weird-hobby-having, completely psychotic, talking-about-their-exes first dates. The guy that wears sweatpants and an anime shirt to dinner. The girl that talks about how she’s the last of her friends to have a kid, and she can’t wait for someone to “put a baby inside her.” The one that brings their significant other that you didn’t know about to dinner and starts inquiring about potential threesomes. Whatever their particular brand of shittiness may be, I miss it.
Boring and average dates suck because, well, they are just that. Boring. Predictable. Forgettable. Drinks at an upscale bar, the same conversation you’ve had a million times, some awkward talk about seeing each other again, and then nothing. You’ve already forgotten their name by the time you leave. Truly awful dates, however, are just as exciting as truly amazing dates, and much less rare. And since I’ve already found the best girl in the world, I don’t miss amazing dates, but I definitely miss the terrible ones.
Dates like the one I went on with a foreign girl who’s name I literally could not pronounce, so I never used it. She answered every single one of my first date questions with a one word answer and asked me nothing about myself, to the point where, twenty minutes into the date, I had already run out of things to try and talk about. And that’s when I knew I could enjoy myself. There’s no more freeing a feeling than realizing a date is absolutely bombing and you don’t have to try anymore. When you don’t care if the date goes well, all the pressure leaves the situation and you can happily do what you want to entertain yourself. In this case, I immediately started pounding tequila shots and loudly watching the football game the bar was showing. The date ended with some unsurprisingly awful sex, and more importantly, a funny story.
I’ve had several terrible dates, yet I feel like I’m still missing out on more. Sure, there was the date who offered me some crack while I was driving to dinner. There was a girl who lied about her age and invited me over to an apartment I didn’t realize was a college dorm until far too late. There was even a date that was so hilariously awful, it prompted me to write an 1,100-word column about it and put it on the internet. I’ve had my share of shitty dates and, to be fair, I’ve probably been a fair share of shitty dates, but yet, I crave more.
My relationship is fantastic. It’s loving, and committed, and all that other crap. I know how lucky I am, yet I can’t stop wishing for just one more awful first date. I miss the butterfly feeling of seeing a girl who looks nothing like her Bumble profile and just knowing this date is going to fucking suck. That adrenaline rush I get when my date starts on a racist tirade after the first drink, and knowing I’m going to have a hell of a story to tell later. That elated feeling of freedom when a girl asks how much money I make before we even open our menus, and I know I can start saying the most ridiculous things possible, knowing there will never be a second date.
I wish I could get that electric feeling from my girlfriend but she just doesn’t do it for me. She’s not racist, homophobic, a blatant gold-digger, or an actual diagnosed crazy person. She’s never told me I’m going to hell for consuming alcohol or blatantly gave her number to our waiter. Not once has she asked for a baby photo of me to make sure “our genes are compatible.” No, I can’t find that kind of craziness in a relationship. There’s only one place to find it. The part of being single I can’t bear to live without.
A horrible first date. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
If only I could end up on an interesting bad first date, rather than boring first dates that make me want to stay single with my vibrator forever
If interesting and bad is what you like, sup?
Had my first really bad date in a while through Bumble. This dude had it all: misleading photos (he looked stocky/average in his photos and turned out to have a massive gut), took me to your standard rowdy “Irish” pub where we couldn’t even hear each other, talked incessantly about his own Tinder horror stories, and then finally asked me about my politics affiliation/who I voted for and why I’m wrong. I was there by 8 and faked sick by not even 9. No regrets.
It hurts just reading your recap. I’m sorry you had to go through this, I really am. That person sounds terrible.
The cherry on top of all of this was that he was 29 (which makes the whole Irish pub choice even more unacceptable), and he was not American (making his polemic on why I should’ve supported Bernie and how perfect of a politician he was essentially moot).
The worst first date I ever went on, he was so boring I started to tell him all the crazy things my best friend had done to guys when he was talking about dating in Los Angeles and a crazy ex. Mid way through these stories (really word vomit), I realized that when I said my friend, he thought I was referring to myself. To top it off, a few months later he MATCHES with this friend on Hinge and asks her if it was a deal breaker that he went on a really bad date with the girl in her photo (me). I was so scared he’d tell her that I told him what she considers her darkest secrets. Thankfully, they never went on a date.
We are going to need to know these secrets.
I once “accidentally” blacked out BEFORE a first date(Saturday night dates is not the move). I don’t remember too much about the date but she said it was one of the best first dates she’s ever had. Apparently I am a fun blackout? Good to know, for future occasions.
I ran into my ex girlfriends brother after we had a bad break up while on a first date with a new girl. That was an awkward way to start a date and surprisingly nothing came of it
Girl wanted to look at pictures of the same breed of dog on Google image search for an hour in the middle of this date. Had me shook, didn’t know if I was so boring that she thought showing me pictures of dogs was better than talking. Realized later that she was just a crazy dog person.
Crazy dog girls are the craziest girls out there
have you heard of horse girls
If she was looking at horses I would have left through the bathroom window
I have a prized collection of bad date stories. Once a gentlemen I met at my apartment pool took me out for drinks and explained to me that Jesus appeared to him in a dream and told him the sun is the portal to heaven. He then tried to recruit me to sell electricity under some sort of MLM scheme.
Another was openly racist, and later pointed with disdain at a table next to us to ask if I thought any of the girls sitting there had washed their hair that day. He also made fun of what a homeless man wore to Christmas Eve mass. I uber’d home from that one so he wouldn’t have my address.
Bad first dates make for the best stories.
Always good to find out they’re racist early on and not 4 months into the relationship in the middle of sex.
If there’s a specific story associated with this, please share.
Was told “give it to me like a n*gger.” Noped out of that after she bought brunch the next morning.
WHAT. Coming from a black guy, that’s obviously super racist, but also super interesting…kinda want to meet this chick. I mean I don’t at all but…I think you know what I mean.
Coming from a second black guy, I’m super happy this didn’t happen to me (honestly can’t predict what my reaction would’ve been other than not positive) but at the same time this must win the bad date competition at all guys nights, and for that, I envy you.
Maybe she was complimenting your…ahem…size.
My ego is inflated enough as it is.
Doesn’t matter, had sex?
My worst first date was when 10 minutes into sitting down for dinner he tells me hes moving across the country in 2 weeks and can’t wait to meet new girls.
Lol what’s a date
Legit haven’t had a bad first date yet, got two this week so that could change very quickly…