======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Take a deep breath, ladies and gentlemen. You smell that? It’s the smell of spilled beer, mingled perfumes, and freedom. It’s the smell of yet another Friday night on the horizon. No matter how awesome your week was, don’t lie to yourself. You’ve had one eye on this day since your alarm went off Monday morning. Now it’s finally here, and your only question should be “what am I drinking?” Luckily, I’m here to make your Friday even easier with the answer to that.
Domestic Beers
If you’re reading my column, I’m assuming you live somewhere in the U.S. of A, and the political and social climate has been rocky this week. You’ve likely been stuck in at least one discussion about the NFL kneeling issue with a co-worker you really didn’t want to get political with. What better way to drink away that memory and remind yourself what it truly means to be an American than with a handful of cold Coors Light? If you hate your taste buds you can even toss some Buds or Millers in there, but whatever you choose, keep it cheap. No need to break the bank or your liver on your first round of the day. Put down a nice base of 4% ABVs and ease into the weekend.
One Shot Of Whiskey
I know several of you that went out last night just recoiled from your computer screen in horror. I get it. A shot to start the night? That sounds crazy. But when you think about it, it’s really your only option. You’re tired. You worked hard(ish) this week, and you’ve been up since 7 am. You need something to shock your system, get you riled up, and fight away the desire to ride your buzz right into bed and pass out watching a Netflix documentary by 9 pm. Whiskey will perk you up and get you back into social mode. The liquor will kick your brain in the dick, letting you know that, goddamn it, you only get a finite number of Fridays in your life, and more importantly, there are hot people out there just waiting for you to hit on them. Listen to the whiskey.
A Nice Cocktail
At this point, you should have completed your pregame/happy hour and made it to the actual bar. You’re rocking a decent buzz. Not enough to get you on the dance floor or into a fight with a stranger, but enough to be enjoying what is essentially a loud room full of bad smells. Now’s the time to put out a fucking vibe. An Old Fashioned. A Martini. I’ve heard it’s the year of Campari-Sodas. Whatever you pick, make it something a little nicer than your standard drink order. It’s Friday night, and you deserve to treat yo’ self. You’ll be murdering your tongue with well drinks soon enough, at least give your palate something to enjoy first.
Mixed Drinks
I hope you enjoyed that fancy cocktail, you pansy, because now it’s time for the real deal. G&Ts. Voddie Sodas. Jack n’ Cokes if you’re still in college. It’s time to rage, and these drinks are your meat and potatoes. They’re cheap, you know how they affect you, and you know how many of them to drink before you turn into a zombie. Keep one of these firmly in your left hand at all times and go forth into the wild unknown (go hit on some people). You should be in your sweet spot of drunkenness about now and as much as you practice, you still never know how long that will last. Make the most of it by spitting some game.
A Shot Of Tequila
I’m not saying this is the right choice. In fact, I’m definitely saying it’s not. Should you take this shot? No. Will you inevitably take this shot? Yes. Someone in your group will suggest shots, you’ll go around the circle naming the alcohols you veto (vodka, gin, rum) before ending up on something everyone dislikes equally. You’ll take the shot, make the face, bite the lime, and then within a few minutes, realize that it was actually a great idea. You’re wrong, of course. That’s just the tequila talking. Much like a parasite, as soon as you let it in your body, it alters your brain chemistry to make you think you want it there. Maybe you’ll stop at just one. Maybe you won’t. I don’t know how much willpower you have. Either way, this will tip you over from “a solid buzz” to “I’m hammered.”
Domestic Beers: Round Two
Turns out tequila at 11 pm is not the move for surviving the night. Time to go back to the basics. I would say take a break and drink water for an hour, but we all know that will never happen. Switching to a few brewskis is pretty much the same thing as sobering up. At least, that what you’ll tell yourself with your drunken logic. Are you still ingesting alcohol and getting more intoxicated? Maybe technically, but come on, you’re not going to do much damage with a few beers.
A Vodka Redbull
Whaaaat the fuck. You’ve been preaching sobriety for the last hour trying to counteract that shot (and the last six hours of drinking), and now you go and do this. One on hand, I get it. It’s 1 am and if you have any chance of staying out much longer you’re going to need what amounts to a grownup Four Loko. On the other hand, you’re a psycho. While we’ve all convinced ourselves that the Redbull will keep us up, the truth is the vodka is what wins out. It’s a real “one step forward, two steps back” situation, and you’re about to find that out firsthand.
Water
You survived the night. Let’s be honest, you probably didn’t get laid and are back at home inhaling a frozen pizza. For the love of God, chug some water. You’ll be back at it, day drinking in just a few hours, and your only chance of survival is to drink more water than you thought was humanly possible. Everyone who says “drink a large glass of water before bed and you won’t have a hangover” is a fucking liar who doesn’t drink enough. Chug an obscene amount of water to wash down your pizza, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll wake up feeling okay tomorrow.
Enjoy the night..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
“You should be in your sweet spot of drunkenness about now and as much as you practice, you still never know how long that will last.”
So true. But I do know my biggest drinking difference between now and college is the duration of that sweet spot. Back in my primes I could ride in that sweet spot for an entire Saturday. These days, I’m thankful for just a few hours.
Vegas Bombs are sadly the right choice of shot instead of whiskey before going out. Gives the group that jolt of energy with a gentle caress of the gonads instead of a straight kick, but still wakes everyone up from that “should I go out or ditch the group, go home and play final fantasy until 4 AM?” vibe that maybe I’m the only one feeling.
I love this
Thanks pussy crusher.
Tequila is also a great way to start the night to shock your system, but it usually never ends up going well
I have to admit, I’m a little triggered by the rise of the Campari soda. Campari is a 50 proof liquor, which barely even makes it a cocktail. At least have a negroni or a quill and get your money’s worth.
Boulvardier is the GOAT cocktail with Campari
Will get hate for this but I’m a Miller Man. Also I like to combine steps 1 and 2 (shouts to Duda – beer and shot combo at the local VFW)
Whiskey water is my go to at the bar. It makes me feel like I’m being somewhat responsible/hydrated when in reality I’m casually heading towards a brown out.
Drinking ginger ale because I’m on antibiotics for what my mother mistakenly thought was a tick bite. PGP.
Asking your mom for advice regarding a potential STD. PGP?
Don’t just listen to Nived when he tells you to just pop acid or trip on another illicit substance. Do what he says.
WWDD: what would Devin do?
Bud light > coors light