The Necessary Evil That Is Dressing Up For Halloween As A Male

The Necessary Evil That Is Dressing Up For Halloween As A Male

I know you’re not happy about it. I also realize that it’s the middle of September, but you have to understand that girls have been planning their outfits for at least a month already. You’re already behind.

I know there’s a little birdie in your brain saying something along the lines of, “Well, maybe if I just throw this plaid shirt on with some old jeans I can pass myself off as a lumberjack. I’ve got a little stubble going right now.”

But you’ve got to put in a little more effort than that. I don’t care if you’re 25 or 32. The point I’m trying to make is this – if you’re a single man and your hairline is still respectably intact, you HAVE to get dressed up and go out for Halloween. If you’re bald? You go with the tried and true Mr. Clean outfit, obviously. This article isn’t for you.

And do you want to know why you have to go out on Halloween? It’s because this is a holiday designed with single people in mind. People meet at Halloween parties all of the time, and this could be your last shot before the year ends to find someone to spend cold November/December nights with.

So unless you want to stay in your shitty apartment eating fun-sized Kit Kats and watching Halloweentown alone, you’re going to go out, you’re going to get dressed up, and you’re going to try and get laid.

You think that girl who dressed up as slutty Cinderella wanted to get dressed like that and stand in the kitchen at that Halloween party you’re both attending? Yeah, she probably did. She probably loves attention. And the easiest way to get attention is to dress in scantily clad lingerie, all under the guise that it’s Halloween and this is what you’re supposed to be doing.

We’ve all heard it in Mean Girls, which is arguably the last time Lindsay Lohan looked like a human being. It is the one day, nay, weekend, every year, where a girl can wear nothing more than a bra, some boy shorts, and draw whiskers on her face and not get the dreaded side-eye from other girls as they whisper under their breath, “What. a. skank.”

Men shouldn’t be any different. There is no reason for us to be half-assing it on a Halloween costume when a girls costume takes no less than two hours to plan. That’s not fair.

With Halloween falling on a Tuesday this year, it means that the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and maybe even that Monday are going to be Halloween themed. Is that girl from work who you’ve had your eye on throwing a pregame that weekend? I bet she is. Which means you better get your ass to a Halloween USA before that party starts and have a respectable costume on. I don’t care if you go as Maverick from Top Gun (which, by the way, has got to be one of the most played out movie characters you could go as).

If you want to be Jason from Halloween that is perfectly fine but make sure you have the entire outfit. You can’t just throw the mask on and call it a day.

This isn’t college, okay? I’m not saying you have to have some elaborate costume for every single night of that weekend. If you have one costume you’re golden. I’m just saying that there needs to be a little more effort from the male population this year.

I hate this holiday just as much as anyone else, but I participate because it’s all part of that metaphorical chase that I’ve spoken so fondly of in blog posts of yore. You’ve got to be willing to put the effort in.

The most important ability is availability.

On Halloween weekend, if you’re not getting dressed up girls are looking at you as a non-option. They’re dressed up, why aren’t you? I’m not telling you to go out and blow two hundred bucks on a costume. Just put a little bit of effort in this year and I think you’ll see a nice return on your investment.

Image via Youtube

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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