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We break this list down and more on the latest episode of Touching Base, which you can listen to on iTunes and SoundCloud.
You’re not going to throw a perfect game every time you step out on the mound. That’s just a fact of life. And with any wedding season, there are going to be hiccups that range from small blips on the radar to having to text your buddy “sorry” the next day before the Sunday wedding brunch.
Needless to say, I’ve had my fair share of hiccups, shattered glasses, and mistakenly introducing myself to the bride’s dad when I thought he was just a random old dude. But consumate professionals take those mistakes, learn from them, and get better moving forward.
Per Brides, these are the worst things you can do at a wedding. And per my vague and blurry memory, these are the last times I’ve done such things.
Forget To RSVP
June, 2015.
It’s not that I forgot to RSVP. It’s more that I just assumed they knew I was coming considering the conversations leading up to the actual wedding. But the second I got the text, “Hey, you coming to my wedding or what?” I knew I had made a huge mistake.
Whether you’re in the wedding, a relative of the groom, or a fringe friend who’s turning down the invite, make the bride’s job easy and just RSVP. And I’m not talking “send them a text” RSVPing. I’m talking “put a stamp on the damn envelope and putting it in your mailbox.” Yeah, it’s a bitch, but they’re paying for you to eat and drink for free all night so the least you can do is let them know whether or not you’re going to show face.
Show Up Late
August, 2015.
The worst thing a couple can do is schedule their reception more than a fifteen-minute drive from where they’re actually getting married. Hell, if it’s not within walking distance, chances are people are going to either skip or, at the very least, not be on time for everything scheduled.
Case in point: Fort Worth, Texas. I walked into the wedding venue five minutes after the designated time on the program. From afar, I saw the eyes of my girlfriend screaming at me. “Why the fuck are you so late?” they said. “Are you seriously walking in this late?”
People make mistakes. And I’m not talking about myself in this situation. What I did was completely excusable because everyone should’ve been thankful I was even sober enough to drive myself to a 6 p.m. start time. I’m talking about the bride and groom who put their ceremony in a different area code. That’s on them.
Don’t Show Up at All
October, 2015.
People joke about not scheduling weddings during football season because most guys won’t show up. And, yes, I’m the scumbag who didn’t show up to a wedding after indulging a little too much.
Half the weddings I go to these days are for people that I wouldn’t recognize on the street, let alone even know their name. If I even get a whiff of someone saying, “Maybe we don’t even need to go,” I’m pretty much kicking my feet up until someone hands me my dry-cleaned suit and tells me that we’re actually going. And if I spend the entire morning at the State Fair of Texas drinking Shiners before the Red River Shootout, you can bet your ass that a wedding is second on my list in terms of things I want to be doing that day.
Unfortunately, this was a seated wedding where there happened to be two nametags leftover on the table rather than buffet, seat-yourself style. Oops.
Wear White
N/A. because no one wears white suits besides high schoolers and club promoters.
I attended a wedding two weeks ago where two different women wore all white everything to the wedding and reception. Not one, but two. And these weren’t “college friends throwing shade at their sorority sister who they hated” women. These were “I’ve been to probably a hundred weddings in my life and should know better” women.
There are two tried and true rules for weddings that one must not break – 1. Never wear white. 2. Never order the fish. Outside of that, you can pretty much do anything and you’ll fly under the bride and groom’s radar given that they’re too busy mingling with third cousins once-removed rather than actually enjoying themselves on the biggest day of their lives.
Disrespect The Staff
April, 2016.
“Please do not bring your cocktail glasses on the dance floor,” he said. “They’re going to break,” he said.
You never think it’s going to happen to you. But then you start convincing the bartender to pour you straight tequila-on-ice because the bride’s father has explicitly said, “no shots,” and all of the sudden the wedding band’s lead singer is asking people to step away from the dance floor to make sure the shards of glass are picked up.
Sure, it’s not outright disrespect, but disobeying their orders may be worse than yelling at them for not pouring you shots. After all, they’re just looking out for everyone’s best interests (and the bare feet of the bridesmaids who can’t stand in their shoes any longer).
Get Trashed
Literally every wedding ever. Except maybe, like, one.
Get off your high horse, Brides.com. .
With Wedding Season in full swing, the guys break down the faux pas of attending weddings. From not RSVPing to getting obliterated, they give their takes and personal experiences. After a little talk about the return of The Wall, they discuss Kanye allegedly recording his new album while holed up on a mountaintop in Wyoming.
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[via Brides]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Are we just going to forget that Todd received an unexpected text with no follow up?
Wednesday, hombre.
Hombre…I like that. Let’s bring it back
Bad hombres had a good run not too long ago.
Appreciate the transparency, Will.
Please don’t break our hearts with only one side of the story. Need closure from both TGAG and TCOT. We are all in very fragile states after the events of last friday.
When was the last time we received follow up on a TGDAG cliff hanger?
Like four times last week.
Facts schmacts
Rick Pitino wears a white suit, but then again hes into that pimp and hooker life so he can have a pass
What about a white evening jacket and black slacks? Im sure that’s an exception.
If you want to look like a waiter
Point taken.
My wife was basically told to leave a wedding for breaking her wine glass on the band’s stage after a few too many. Was not a good look for us that night.
Where does making out with a bridesmaid on the dance floor, who happens to be the little sister in the sorority of the ride, fall on list of things to do/not do? Also, the bride was this guy’s younger sister. Asking for a friend.
There’s too much going on here for me to comprehend. Thanks Monday.
I believe you can do literally anything you want if someone in your nuclear family is getting married. The people who are going to get mad at you are the same ones who are stuck with you forever.
I covered 3/6 of these this weekend.
I have also done all of these except wear white. Running late was due to a car crash, and that seems like a pretty legit reason to me.
“…mistakenly introducing myself to the bride’s dad when I thought he was just a random old dude”.
I don’t see how this is a faux pas.
Didn’t you write this exact column, sans dates, a couple weeks ago?
I did surefire ways to piss the bride off, so no.
Which included 5 out of 6 of these.
I’ll publish a list of cities for post-grads to move to next time.
Best cities for Millennials to get married
How about a list of things that you’re definitely not supposed to do as a +1 to someone’s wedding?
Expose him
Broke 3 glasses at my good friends’ wedding last summer. 2 of the incidents were not my fault
Classic Rik Flair, breaking shit and yelling “Woooooo” at the top of his lungs.
The diamond ring wear, wine glass breaking son of a gun!!!!
Where would sleep with Bride’s mom fall in here?