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Let’s talk about sex. Not movie sex, full of passion, and acrobatics, and ending with both people half-covered by a sheet cuddling and relaxing in contentment. No. I’m talking about real sex. Drunk sex. But not all drunk bone sessions are created equal. Depending on what you drink on any given night, they could be very different. Let’s see how.
Wine: Lovemaking
Oooh, girl, you’re gonna have some sensual lovin’ tonight. Wine is a sexual lubricant. Well, not literally, that’s just a painful waste of wine. But emotionally. Wine will connect your souls, amp up your chemistry, and intertwine your bodies like two long-lost lovers. You’ll take your time, light some candles, and maybe even use some direct eye contact, you pervert. Or, if you had too much wine, you’ll fall asleep on top of your partner while some sloppily-lit candles threaten to burn down your house. Probably the latter.
Whiskey: Public Sex
No one has ever made love after drinking whiskey gingers all night, and you’re no exception. When you get your bone on after a night of slamming whiskey, there’s a zero percent chance it happens in the confines of your private domicile. If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner will get into a screaming match at the bar, one of you will storm out, and the other will follow only to realize your anger has turned into horniness which can only be alleviated by fucking behind the world’s grossest alley dumpster. I know that sounds like a specific event I’m referencing, but it’s actually an accurate portrayal of every whiskey fuck that’s ever existed.
If you’re not in a relationship, the sex may occur in the bar bathroom, in the cab, or on top of a police car for all you care. Whiskey doesn’t just make you want to fuck, it makes you want to fuck RIGHT NOW. Getting kicked out of a bar, a cab, or being thrown in jail means nothing to your whiskey-addled brain. All that matters is getting it in. Enjoy your public indecency ticket, you animal.
Tequila: Cheating
You may be the most morally sound person in the world, but tequila doesn’t give a shit. Tequila doesn’t care if you’re in a committed relationship, married to your one true love, or literally on your own honeymoon. Tequila is scientifically proven (don’t quote me on this) to fuse the morality synapsis of your brain shut and make you want to fuck literally anything except for the person you should be fucking. If your partner goes out and takes tequila shots without you, that relationship is as good as dead. Pack it up. Call it a day.
If you’re not in a relationship, tequila will, in a fit of rage over not being able to make you cheat, tell your brain to have sex with the worst person you could possibly have sex with. Your ex. Your drug dealer. The person with the face tattoos drinking straight Jäger at the end of the bar. Maybe you’ll fuck a goat. Maybe everyone will think you fucked a goat. Which is worse? Regardless of who you do, tequila will make sure it’s someone you shouldn’t have. That liquor is pure regret in liquid form. God bless it.
Beer: Sloppy Sex
No one should be surprised by this. We’ve all been there. One minute you’re slamming Keystone Lights at a college tailgate, and the next you’re balls deep in a girl whose name you don’t know in a porta potty that was last cleaned during the Reagan administration. No? Just me? Regardless, everyone has some sloppy drunk sex stories, and they are all the direct result of drinking beer.
That time when you accidentally kneed your partner in the nuts so hard you made him throw up while trying to switch positions? Beer. When you thought it would be sexy to bite their ear lobe but misjudged your own strength and had to accompany them to the ER to get stitches? Beer. The time you accidentally told a girl that you “want her inside you” and she laughed so hard she farted? Beer and beer. I’m not hating on sloppy sex. In fact, I think some of the best stories in life come from those moments. But beer is responsible for all of them.
Vodka: Soulless fucking
Fuck vodka. Only psychos drink it, and via the transitive property (the only property I remember), anyone who drinks it becomes a psycho. Vodka doesn’t lower your abilities, it just turns your mind off. Sex on vodka is like being the terminator, if his objective was to fuck some random person until neither one of you is enjoying it. Not that you even know what the concept of joy is at that point, because vodka eliminates feelings. You’ll feel like a porn star, both physically, and unfortunately, emotionally. Enjoy, I guess.
Rum: Sex you want to forget
Rum is the direct cause of every sexual relation you’ve had that you genuinely wish you were blacked out for. Maybe it’s because no one drinks rum after college, where inhibitions are nonexistent and everyone’s still learning how to fuck. I don’t know why. I’m not a psychologist. But I do know I’m right. If you’ve ever accidentally introduced a bodily fluid that you didn’t mean to into your sex life, it’s because you drank Captain and Cokes all night. If you’ve ever done something so depraved that you decide to “take a break from porn” to attempt to recover your own morality, it’s because you took shots of Bacardi 151 at last call. That time that you were so determined to convince your ex-boyfriend that you were “a cool girl” that you took home another girl to fulfill his threesome fantasy, despite the fact that you’re jealous, insecure, and have no desire to go down on a girl? Yeah, you were chugging rum that night. Usually, you wake up in the morning glad that you didn’t black out, but when you drink rum, you wish that you did.
Don’t believe me? Go try these out for yourselves and see what happens. Trust me, I’ve done the research. .
Image via YouTube
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Whiskey: None tonight or for the next few days. She gets upset because you can’t get it up, so she’ll try to go down on you in a fruitless attempt to not feel insecure. Now she’s mad that you don’t think she’s attractive, and you passing out mid-reassuring her just means the only girl you’ll be inside is ole’ reliable Jill.
Jagermeister: in some weird discotech bathroom in combination with shitty coke cut with bath salts you bought from some Eastern European dude named Kaarl
Congrats on the research.
Does it count as lovemaking if you can’t last longer than it takes to whisper “I love you”??
“I lo… shit”
“Rum’s for fun and fucking, innit? So, whiskey, now that… that is for business” -Alfie Solomons
Hey what’s wrong with a little direct eye contact? Depending on the position/where your mouth is, you’d better lock eyes with me.
Eye contact sex is for the honeymoon and her birthday only no exceptions
Disappointed in you.
Eye contact? Do you have any idea how rare that is in nature.
Said every woman who had sex with him
As we bred dogs from wolves we created a serotonin feedback loop by looking each other in the eye. Serotonin is released by both the human and dog. Dogs are the best. (I might be looking at my dog and under the influence of serotonin)
Gin: None. This poison of choice is consumed by (mostly) functioning alcoholics who put work over pleasure. Most likely only having 2 tops so that waking up for that gym at 5:30 am the next morning is bearable.
Gin & Juice: Doggystyle
Accurate
Can confirm.
Hmm, I drink a lot of gin
I didn’t say I didn’t either. Hence (mostly).
Sup?
sup.
You aren’t drinking vodka water w/ lime all summer, Nick?
Can confirm, this is 100% the move
Regardless of the drink the sex is great. Duh.
Anyone know what happens after absinthe?
If you don’t know you can’t afford it
Ya’ll shld try tht sex after sum xan and E. Tern u shxt up. #ESSKEETIT