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Some of us have been there, and some have been lucky enough to not be: the dreaded state of unemployment. If you’ve ever genuinely referred to it as “funemployment,” this may not be the column for you. Funemployment is for people who have enough money to not worry that they’re unemployed. I’ve rejoined the unfortunate masses of those who have no jobs, and here’s pretty much what my day has been looking like:
6:30 a.m. – Wife is up, and I’m trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule so I don’t feel like shit, so I guess I should get out of bed too.
6:50 a.m. – Okay, I’ll actually get up now, because the dog is going to lick my face until I go play ball with him.
7:00 a.m. – We’re done with ball already? Shit, I was hoping to pass a lot more time with that.
7:05 a.m. – Cereal is somehow a much more depressing breakfast when I’m not just eating it because it’s quick and I have to get to work.
7:10 a.m. – Better settle in on the couch, cause I’ll be here for a long while.
7:30 a.m. – Wife just left for work, gonna turn something on Netflix for background noise while I apply for jobs.
8:10 a.m. – I told myself I was done with Orange Is The New Black after last season, but I guess now that I have all this time…
9:10 a.m. – Ugh, Piper is such a bitch. You know, I’ll shower before I start applying for jobs. So I don’t have to interrupt my flow.
9:11 a.m. – *looks in the mirror* You are a sad piece of shit, you know that? Get a fucking job, you worthless lump of a man.
9:20 a.m. – *actually gets in the shower to wash off the self loathing*
9:30 a.m. – Alright, let’s hit these job applications.
11:00 a.m. – Not a chance in hell I’ll get any of these, but at least I can pretend I did something productive today.
12:00 p.m. – How the fuck did I ever get a job in the first place? I’m not qualified for anything on any of these seven job boards I’ve been looking at. I should stay away from mirrors for a bit, turns out that’s not good for my self-esteem.
12:30 p.m. – Leftovers for lunch to save money. I miss Chipotle already. I wonder if anyone wants to buy me a burrito?
1:00 p.m. – Text from wife: “How is your day going”‘ If you really loved me you would know not to ask that.
2:00 p.m. – Okay, I think I’ve applied to every job in this city. I should go to the gym since I’m not doing anything productive now. *looks at PlayStation*
5:00 p.m. – I should at least make dinner so the wife thinks I haven’t been totally useless today.
10:00 p.m. – Tomorrow, I’m at least going to leave the house. I know I said that last night, but I mean it this time..
Image via Shutterstock
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@DoubleYeti
“Not a chance in hell I’ll get any of these, but at least I can pretend I did something productive today.”
I’m employed and this is me every day. Jesus.
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The only article where these bot comments are relevant.
I’ve been there, man. The biggest thing I learned, is that you can’t spend 40hrs a week applying for jobs. That’s what your wife/loved ones expect, but it’s not reality. So just do one productive thing every day. You’ve got this.
Missing about 3 spank sessions and resulting feelings of “god I’m worthless and disgusting.”
I don’t think I’m ready to publish that aspect of my life. Yet.
I became involuntarily unemployed in April so I know the struggles. Although no wife or dog made it a much more boring story.
I’m going to give you the advice that usually every person that you don’t care about, who comes out of the wood work when these things happen says:
Their social media bios usually have a quote that reads ~*Live. Laugh. Love*~
“Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason. What’s meant to be will be.”
Now while I have you amazed and feeling so uplifted with that advice……sell drugs, sell drugs, sell drugsssssss!
One of my best friends is a science teacher and he REFUSES to be the Walter to my Jesse.
You think you hated your coworkers before? Wait until you start selling drugs.
If I knew how to synthesize drugs I would totally do it purely as a hobbyist, small time party favor guy to make some pocket change.
I’ll be unemployed in November and I’m dreading this, then again I’ll be moving back in with my parents so it’ll probably be worse.
At least you can start the search early.
Wow, this accurately summed up the last 6 months of my unemployment minus the wife and dog.
Are HR jobs really that scarce?
You’d be surprised, these people never quit, they just retire or die. I’m considering getting out of HR though, so… A username change may be happening someday.
It depends on which industry. In Tech and oil, HR jobs are plentiful and pay a lot.
Nothing in oil is currently plentiful or high paying.
Really? I work in HR for an oil company making six figures and so do all my peers. Search on indeed for HR jobs in Houston and I bet there’s quite a few in the oil industry. There’s still oil companies out there that are hiring and paying top dollar regardless of what everyone is saying.
I’ve been unemployed in Accounting since April, every position I’ve interviewed at has had people take a lower position than they should it they just do away with it and spread out the work. Also, the pay rates seem to have done down by 10K or so in this downturn. Lay Offs aint easy man.
Go to the driving range. Buckets cost bucks but the putting green is free.
1) get in the best shape of your life.
2) if you have any money and credit whatsoever, grab a flip house. Why not?