The Hand Salad Is The Most Vile Food ‘Invention’ Ever Created

The Hand Salad Is The Most Vile Food 'Invention' Ever Created

Foodies, man.

There have been some pretty far out food trends lately. We’ve got people mixing espresso and tonic water at hipster cafes. We’ve got “chefs” taking all the ingredients they have in their kitchen and combining them into the laziest creations ever – bowls. We have people eating things called “sushirritos” at Whole Foods. Sushi-fucking-rritos.

But now, foodies have taken things too far. The “hand salad” is officially the dumbest food “invention” of the 21st Century, per Bon Appétit’s tweet.


You’re literally just taking stalks of fucking romaine and dipping them into a damn bowl of ranch. And if that isn’t gross enough, the logistics of this fucking thing are. Those stalks aren’t just single bites like your classic Tostitos Scoops. No, they require multiple dips before they can be fully devoured. We’re talking numerous people at a cocktail party huddled around a bowl of ranch double dipping pieces of fucking lettuce. And Bon Appétit’s description of this abomination isn’t doing them any favors.

We call this a hand salad because lettuce and dip just doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun. Romaine hearts are great because they’re sturdy and stocked at most markets. Don’t use something floppy like Boston lettuce or arugula, though. This is the appetizer for the $50 dinner party.

I’m all for people throwing a good, old-fashioned dinner party where apps are handed out like Adderall at a college party. That’s all well and good. But if I show up with a second-shelf bottle of red only to stroll up to the kitchen island and see a pile of lettuce waiting to get double dipped? Nah, I’m taking that bottle of cab back to my place to enjoy it alone while catching up on back episodes of Mad About You. I’m not even sure what a “$50 dinner party” even is, but I’m pretty sure it costs way less than fifty bucks to squirt a bottle of Hidden Valley into a bowl and break up some romaine hearts. That ain’t exactly a major surgery, Doogie Howser.

Hand salads. Please. Wrap an expensive piece of meat and prosciutto and get out of my face with your hand salads.

[via Twitter]

Image via Bon Appétit

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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