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There are a lot of big first in any relationship. The first time you sleep together. The first time you sleep together. The first time you sleep together without sleeping together. Basically, everything has to do with being in a bed, because what the fuck else is there in life? The point is, sex is ~the thing.~ The thing that keeps us on the path of finding our “ones and onlys.”
And one of the biggest moments in a relationship, after getting married and peeing in front of each other is, of course, the first time you go to a sex shop together.
There are tons of reasons why couples decide to go into these smut stores. They’re bored in their relationship. They’re just bored and don’t know what else to do. One of them just watched the scene in Pretty Woman with the piano. Whatever the reason, you find yourself with your SO on your arm, waltzing into the world of chains, whips, and water-based lubricants. Still, it can be an emotional minefield getting out of there unscathed. Here’s how to make it out still in one piece and with at least the *possibility* of getting laid.
Do: Have some drinks.
Just like you’re going on a first date or meeting up with your SO’s annoying coworkers, drinking is a must for this activity. Can you image facing the harsh lighting, smell of latex, and large, flesh-colored dildos without a buzz? No? Exactly. So, don’t. fucking. do it. Toss 1-3 drinks back before going into the abyss that is sexual awakening.
Don’t: Have all of the drinks.
It’s one thing to enjoy the fuzzy effects of light alcohol use while perusing BDSM masks and anal beans. It’s a whole other thing to be shitfaced and stumble around the aggressive porn section for a while (which she already knows you’re into because, come on) before accidentally breaking a $75 bottle of spermicidal lube.
Do: Start out where you’re comfortable.
Instead of heading straight to the sex swing, maybe take a little lap in the more tame territory. Condoms? Laugh about how you don’t use those. A French maid costume? Jokingly suggest that this could be part of this year’s Halloween costume (plus, you’ll get points for talking about Halloween). Stripper shoes? Not sure what you can do with those, but there has to be some kind of quality content there. Keep things light and fun before heading into the “should we actually try this weird kink out” area.
Don’t: Make a beeline to the handcuffs.
Try to be a little less cliché, though. Every girl has a pair of fuzzy handcuffs in their bedside drawers that they got in high school (right? RIGHT?!). You’re not impressing anyone when you finger the silver rings with a suggestive “what do you think” smirk.
Do: Ask the person working for suggestions.
The girl with the purple hair and tongue piercing at the front? Yeah, she knows what the fuck she’s doing. She’s literally there to aid you on your sexual journey (and upsell you on a high model of flavored massage oil, but whatever). Odds are, she’ll ask if you need any assistance. Instead of staring at the ground, cheeks a-blazing, pull your SO closer to you, smile at him/her, and tell the person working that you’re looking for something sexy to try together. That in itself is a turn-on. Win-win-win.
Don’t: Tell them the entire story about how your intimacy is failing.
I mean, she could probably guess as much from your stiff body language and pinched facial features, but still. Most people are going to sex shops to either figure out their freak or let that shit fly. She knows that. You don’t need to fill her in on all of the gory, sex-less details. Just ask what you should explore, what’s generally fun, and what won’t totally ruin your relationship.
Do: Make at least some kind of purchase.
Now, like literally any store in the world, you’re not required to walk out with something. You have every right to pursue the merch, Snapchat the shit out of it, then leave empty-handed. That said, there’s a reason you went there in the first place. Whether you were bored, in a rut, or just looking for something new to do, you walked into “Kitty’s Corner” or “Candy’s” for a reason. Going home without some sort of prize will absolutely feel like a tease. Don’t be a tease to yourself. Grab a fucking blindfold in the clearance section if all else fails and enjoy the art of not having to worry about what you look like as you grind up on your partner.
Don’t: Jump into the deep end and get a gag ball, nipple clamps, and Ben Wa balls if all you ever do is missionary.
On the opposite end of the “at least buy something” argument, try not to buy everything. Going into a sex shop in the right state of mind is like going into a candy store. An intercourse-infused candy store. Before charging next month’s rent on your card, just take a second to slow down, stay calm, and lube the experience.
Do: Maybe consider having sex when you get home?
This little outing will end one of two ways: You either both get turned on over all of the sexual stimuli or you get in a fight over someone’s weird kinks that came out while wandering the aisles of whips. While the first is preferred, the second one happens all too often. Still, this is a chance to grow together and overCOME (hi-oh) your sexual obstacles. Take out the hot wax you settled on at the store, fire that baby up, and do everything you can to make the public fight you had in the store where you felt inferior because you don’t feel like you need a riding crop and chains in the bedroom worth it.
Don’t: Drink the rest of the bottle of wine you opened before you left, order a pizza, and pass out orgasmless in a pile of vibrators and grease.
Or do. Whatever..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Sex shops are a slippery slope folks. One minute you’re laughing the the “great American challenge” dildo and the next you have a leather dog collar on while you’re being led around the house on a leash and hot wax is poured all over your back.
Your wife sounds…interesting.
Vibrating cock rings.They are $5 and a great first baby step. Do it for him. Do it for her. Just do it and thank me later.
They come in extra small? Friend is asking
Yeah go to your local dentist and ask for some of those rubber bands they put on braces. Those seem to work well for me.
I laughed harder than I should have at that
There’s a sex shop in Fort Worth called Velvet Box and now any other sex shop name I come across can never live up.
Can confirm
My wife and I pretend to sword fight with dildos. I say “pretend” because they’re still in that plastic packaging.
On a somewhat related note, my wife bought like 4-5 suction cup dildos because she discovered /r/dildotrickshots on Reddit. Making dildos stick to walls and ceilings is how we now spend our time.
What is this sex you speak of?