The Dirty Little Punks That Make Up Your Little League Roster

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Despite your body, your mind, and everyone you know telling you it’s a bad idea, it’ll happen. Eventually, you’ll have kids and end up coaching their youth sports team. The season will begin with high hopes; the kids will love everything, the parents will agree with everything, and the team will get to put “1st Place” on their trophy that looks the same as everyone else’s. Naturally, you’ll coach the All-Star team and make a strong run at Williamsport.

That won’t happen.

You’ll tire of the kids, hate the parents, and tell the league to eat shit when they ask you to coach All-Stars. Baseball is the national pastime; a game pure in nature and a true joy, unless managing a little league team sucks the life out of you. It’s already apparent that little league parents are the worst, but the kids will be what can make the difference between being a positive experience or driving you to pick up drinking dark liquor again. The team will likely be a mixed bag with its highs and lows, but with any luck they won’t drive you to madness.

Your Kid

May not be the most talented on the team but hopefully the little fucker can at least hack it well enough to not have people question you for playing them all the time. You didn’t take the gig to have your kid get splinters in his ass, but you don’t want to be the parent who thinks their child can do no wrong either. If you can get your offspring to listen to you and you treat them like the other kids, it should make your managerial debut much smoother. While your procreation may not carry the team, the playing time is still deserved. MLB Comp: Joe Mauer

The Bad Boy

Decent talent, tons of swagger, and a predictable future selling weed in high school. He’s probably playing up the middle of the diamond for you and getting some mound time. All the tools and could be a good little ballplayer with some refinement, but that won’t come once he starts breaking into his parent’s liquor cabinet next year. He treats you with respectful arrogance, as he always does what you say, but you’re pretty sure every time you turn around he calls you a fuck boy under his breath. MLB Comp: AJ Pierzynski

The Hard Worker

You love this kid; so much so that at least twice during the season you consider asking his parents to make you his godfather. His talent isn’t overwhelming, and he’s a little small, but he makes up for it with the fact that he hustles all over the field and is the only kid on the team who actually practices his mechanics on his own. Christ, he even laid down a perfect sac bunt which is unheard of at 12 years old. Thank God no one saw your tears of joy. MLB Comp: David Eckstein

The Genius/Sociopath

The only words heard from this creature all year were “Yes”, “No”, and “Okay.” At first, he frustrated the hell out of you because you thought the kid was a little slow, but you slowly realized he was a fucking mastermind. Naturally a straight-A student and extremely respectful, you still can’t help but get rubbed the wrong way by him sometimes. Plenty of talent, as evidenced by a couple HRs and shutouts, but it unnerved you to watch him walk off the mound after a one-hitter with a look on his face like he had just sat through a lecture on post World War One economic trends. He’s either going to be a rocket scientist or a serial killer, no in-between. MLB Comp: Zack Greinke

The Benchwarmer

At first he was the bane of your existence, the kid who can barely catch the ball, but now this is your dugout BFF. This was a little forced since he spends the maximum amount of time with you as allowed by Little League, but he’s cool with it. Easily the funniest kid on the team, and it’s a relief when he mocks himself for being awful. You constantly tell him that if everyone on the team was like him that they’d be the best team in the league, and you’ve developed at least four different fist bump combos. Without him keeping things light and cracking jokes, you’d have no choice but to go insane and get yourself tossed every game. His dad is also probably the only parent you like, probably because he’s borderline shitfaced at every game. MLB Comp: The guy who commends MJ on his strikeout in Space Jam.

The Manchild

He’s taller than you, weighs more, and already has to shave every morning. Unfortunately, he hasn’t grown into his body whatsoever and lumbers around the field like a drunk gorilla. He throws hard but can’t be trusted on the mound, as he can’t control his puberty-fueled fastball. Everyone embraces the fact that he’s essentially a grown man, and he prides himself on being the nicest but meanest looking guy on the team. Without a doubt, he’s going to lead your team in home runs and strikeouts, all while sporting massive pit-stains the entire game. MLB Comp: Evan Gattis

The Role Players

These three to five kids occupy RF, LF, 2B and mop-up pitching duty. You can never remember their names, and you don’t have the heart to tell them that each time you fill out a lineup card you look at the roster and just guess which one is which. Not a single one has been referred to as anything other than “Champ,” “Buddy,” or “Hey You.” One might have a hot mom, though. MLB Comp: David Murphy, Jeff Suppan, Freddy Galvis.

The All-American

Kid is a fucking stud, no other way to say it. He’s probably going to take the All-Star team to the LLWS by himself, but for now he’s just taking you to the league championship. A true five-tool player, you don’t stick him anywhere but pitcher or short-stop, and he’s had a permanent lock on the 3-hole since the first practice. You admire his modesty about his vast skills and love his competitive nature. If that isn’t enough, you heard he was dating the hottest girl in his grade, and that he felt up her training bra the other day. He’s your legal Danny Almonte. This guy is going places, and you’re going along for the ride. MLB Comp: Mike Trout .

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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