The Definitive Ranking Of North American Time Zones

The Definitive Ranking Of North American Time Zones

I’m done with time zones. Time zones are a nonessential aspect of our lives that have somehow become a governing force on our respective lives and workdays. As I recently spent an entire week in a different time zone, I have some strong feelings on the matter. I now present to you now the official ranking of the North American time zones.

4. Eastern Time

There isn’t a single good thing about Eastern Time. You wake up to the (statistically) worst weather and nobody else in the country is awake. You wait around for sporting events to start in the middle of the night (afternoon if we’re talking football on Sunday) and if your team is playing on the West Coast you have to call in sick the next day.

Traveling to the East Coast from any other part of the country is brutal. “My plan today? Well I’m going to wake up, go to the airport, take a flight to Washington DC and then go to bed because that’s all I can possibly do. Nothing will be open and I’ll starve to death.”

If you travel from another time zone to EST for work you’re then expected to just roll with this fucked up time rape along with everyone else. “We expect all West Coast employees to be in the office at 8 a.m. even though essentially we’re asking you to get up in the middle of the night after a three thousand mile commute. None of your clients will be awake until lunchtime, which is now your breakfast. We deal with it every day because we’re tough. This is New York – the city that never sleeps.” It doesn’t sleep because it wants to stay up late with the rest of the cool kids. You’re not tough you have such bizarre abandonment issues that you’ll die on this God-forsaken island of metal. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

3. Central Time

Central Time seems like it’s right in the sweet spot. You’re about a three-hour flight from both coasts and when you get there you’re not completely out of whack because your internal clock is only off by an hour or two. Games start at dinnertime during the week and at lunchtime on Sundays, giving you a window to hit the gym after leaving the office or before going out to the bars on the weekend.
Plus Chicago is located in Central Time and as a native Chicagoan I can’t help but put my favorite city’s time zone at the top of the list right?

Wrong. Central Time, the largest of the time zones, is much more than Chicago. So big that the majority of people who reside in Central Time don’t know how good of a time zone they have. They waste it just like every out-of-shape Midwestern slob who wakes up, watches Internet porn, eats a whole loaf of bread, gets married at 23 and dies of a heart attack at 65 without fulfilling a single one of their dreams. For that reason, Central Time falls to the bottom half of this list. Still not as bad as Eastern though.

2. Pacific Time

Big upset here that I didn’t put the time zone I reside in as #1. Pacific Time means waking up to hours of news that’s already happened. To some this is inconvenient but there’s something exhilarating about rolling over and looking up at your phone to see if the rest of the country experienced something that you’re ten steps behind on. On Sundays when football starts at 10 a.m. nobody will raise an eyebrow when you crack a cold beer with your breakfast eggs because well, the game’s about to start. A disadvantage to this is that weeknight prime time games start around 4-5 p.m., which means you’ll usually miss the first quarter racing home from work. But who cares, they don’t play hard until the second half.

There is also nothing better than traveling to the West Coast, which to anybody else is essentially going back in time. You can have a full day in Boston, hop on a plane and land in Cali with a whole evening still in front of you to enjoy. If you find it hard to adjust to the time difference and wake up early, I’ve got a perfect solution for you. Get some work done then go outside and find the nearest cliff. Admire the beautiful views and rolling landscape then launch yourself headfirst over the side.

1. Mountain Time

Mountain Time is the forgotten middle child of all the time zones. No major cities fall into Mountain Time besides Phoenix and Denver. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in this time zone, never leave because it affords the best of all of the above. 6 p.m. start to primetime games. 11 a.m. start for Sunday football with games going until 9 p.m. at the latest. Travel to the West Coast or Midwest is an easy flight. Who cares about traveling to the East Coast, those losers are all asleep.

Just like earlier this year when I proclaimed that I was done with jeans, I’m also done with time zones. From here on out, it’s Mountain Time or bust. Clients, airlines and all nationally broadcast sporting events will have to deal with it because no matter what city I’m in from here on out I’m observing Mountain Time.

Which time zone will you be observing?

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This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley, and I give some insider dating tips about breakfast and wearing flats on a first date. We also discussed our favorite podcasts, Jenna’s weight loss challenge and answered listener DMs! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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